|
I'm in a much better [mental] place now- especially considering general anxiety I had felt yesterday about how the mom situation would impact me today.
It is only recently that I have begun to have this perspective I am about to share, but it is making a big impact on my life. Previously I saw my trials as something I endured. I saw my childhood as another example of the world being broken, people being flawed, and my ongoing struggle with futility and frustration while trying to get by. It's a rather crappy attitude, but it made sense, and when I wasn't a Christian I had no real reason NOT to accept it.
I became a believer in fall of 2005, but even after that I still saw my circumstances largely as G-d periodically rescuing me from dysfunction- my own as well as other people's. When things were easy I felt great, but I'd get anxious when things started to fall apart. I would cognitively know that G-d is/was sovereign and aware of my situation, but was it REALLY His Will to step in and change things? make things less stressful/ easier? I would distrust His goodness and competence under a self righteous banner of ignorance. ("Who AM I really to know the mind of G-d? He's working for my good and I am not supposed to be a good judge of what is good for me, so these difficult conditions are just His way of training me."...That's the kind of stuff I'd tell myself, but at the same time I'd believe that the things I'd hope for that seemed good to me would just be perpetually out of reach because I was unworthy.)
G-d is clear that Christians will not have a life of ease. ("In this world you will have trouble...") And it's a LOT easier to believe in G-d's power and goodness when things are lovely. This is the taunt Satan made of Job when he challenged Job's faith in G-d. (Job 1:9-11) However, I'm called to have faith regardless of my circumstances. Many times this can feel like an obligation- a source of guilt and shame, a performance issue.
Something that is becoming clearer to me is that G-d IS sovereign, and one way He's exercised His sovereignty is to entrust various trials to me. Some gift, huh?! But it is. That's grace. The more I face trials, the more I have the chance to see G-d's power and goodness through them. Now, nothing in me- humanly speaking- is all that thrilled about facing trials. I don't wake up, thinking, "Yes! I am going to be reminded of the pain of my childhood and the terrible sense of worthlessness I felt then! Woohoo!" Often when I find myself ambushed by pity and sadness it still takes a while to redirect myself to remember that G-d is bigger than the pain and discomfort. I am more inclined to ask G-d to bail me out, instead of help me through it all.
Yet I see a change taking place-pretty slowly right now- where I realize that this is my stage. G-d designed this setting for me- the foster care years, the brokenness of my childhood home, the characteristics in me that I resented so much when I was younger because my weaknesses made me feel worthless and subhuman. ("If you were stronger you would've been able to stay in a "normal" and go to advanced classes instead of doing pedantic,busy work out of a textbook while another student in the hallway pretends to be a dinosaur.") G-d set the stage, and I fumbled when I tried to do things myself based on what I thought was right, but now I can follow His direction and my victory over the circumstances I face will prove His glory.
It's not a performance issue anymore, it's grace. Not to say I won't mess up or get tripped up trying to do things by my own might, but I have a different way I can go now. I can rest in G-d, no matter what is happening around me.
Part of me feels apprehensive saying that, expecting somewhat events to arise that would make me want to eat my words and choke on them. Yet, this is a journey and I am learning that confidence does not come from self esteem, it comes from grace and faith. I know more boldness now because I see G-d more clearly in my past and this helps me to trust that He's with me now and in my future too, even if it may not feel that way, because He remains the same throughout my trials and circumstances.
Grace means G-d will not stop loving me or love me any less when I stop being lovely. :)
|