|
Hi buddies!
Long time no seen.
It's a hard time for me. Don't really know how to describe it.
At work, plenty of new things to learn. My family: it seems every significant family member I have is having health issues, and this makes me super scary. I am afraid of losing them and feeling even more alone than usual.
I come from a small Italian family and I live in Germany, and it does not make things easier. I would like to be closer to them, but have to stay here working...
The fear of being without any family member left is very strong.
My partner is currently abroad for work. I feel so deeply alone and I ended up isolating myself also from my friends here in Germany.
All my childhood I had this feeling of being alone, not able to really make contact with anybody around me, since everybody felt so distant to me.
Now that feeling is back, and I have no idea how to get rid of this mood.
Concerning food, I am having absolutely no respect for myself. Two weeks ago I went for a movie evening by friends and used myself as a trash bin for all the junk food I found. I went on for a few days, and started having itchy skin since then. I am not used to junk food, so that's the result.
Well, since I am alone at home, every evening I do basically the same, but since I haven't bought junk food, I overeat whatever I find in my pantry.
I feel so depressed...
It took me nearly 2.5 years after my mother's death to feel better, to overcome depression, loneliness, to learn how to deal with her absence.
I am afraid a time like that might come back...
It seems my father has no cancer, even if he is still refusing to undergo the last test that would confirm that.
I think somehow he does not want to know, and in case he is ill, I guess he would chose not to undergo chemotherapy. I guess he had enough suffering by assisting my mum, who died of cancer about 3 years ago.
My granny has a lung infection, and she's refusing to go to hospital.
It seems for now she can have treatment from home, and her health conditions are slightly improving. Anyway, it still makes me worried.
I have no idea how to deal with all this, especially with the fact that in a few years, I have high chances of being the only one left from my family.
My father has some relatives, but they never felt like real family to me.
I am considering planning to have a baby in the next 3/5 years. I don't know if that might make me feel less alone.
I really hope all these negative feelings will go away soon. I had already enough with my divorce and my mum's death.
Somehow, I am even not able to cry.
At the moment I still cannot practice any sports, with the exception of swimming once a week.
All this sounds like a huge nightmare and I cannot wait to wake up and feel better.
|