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Putting it all in perspective...not an easy task, mind you. But for over a year and a half I have been "focused" on what I eat, when I eat, if I eat, how much I eat, did I get to the gym, what my workout consisted of, did I do cardio, how much, weights, upper or lower body?, toning, on the scale, off the scale, back on the scale, did I drink enough water today, did I eat regularly, no skipping meals or snacks, recording my food, logging my exercise...DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY! Well, I am discovering that MY FOCUS needs FOCUS. I have come a long way in 18 months. I have lost 55 lbs. WOW! And I feel good. Really good, physically. But emotionally - not so hot. Still don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. Still see flaws instead of beauty. And I am not sure exactly why. Self Image is a tricky thing. Dependent on my mood, my overall feelings of success that day...I could easily be happy where I am at. Then another day...still feel like I have a ways to go. Definitely don't like the way I look in a stupid pair of jeans. Now isn't that ridiculous. My thighs are my nemesis.
So - where does the new perspective come into play...? Life sometimes throws you a curve ball - and right now I am realizing something I have realized before in my life...and that is LIFE IS SHORT! And for some of us...it can be shorter than others. None of us are "promised" tomorrow. So, IF I were to spend my last on earth - today - would I be happy about the life I have lived? I can tell you looking back, there is NO WAY I would be where I am (weightloss wise) without the time and attention that issue has required of me. But it has stolen from the quality of my life, as it has become my very existance. This has to stop. I really need to focus on my OVERALL mindsets.
I want to APPRECIATE my day. Everything about it. Who I see, who I talk to, where I go...if I go...what I do, how I do it, the body I was given, the work it does to keep me alive and allow me to live all of these things...I want to just stand w/ the ground beneath my feet and be happy I can stand. That my body can do the things it can do. I want to smile today. And I want to make others smile when they interact with me. I want to love others today. And of course, I will appreciate love if it's shown to me - that's a great part of my day! When one of my kids says "hey mom, have I told you lately that I love you..." Now really, that's priceless coming from a 23 year old guy!!! or a 16 year old young man!! Or even my 25 year old daughter!!!
In my head, I know what to do - and I will continue to live with intention regarding my lifestyle and my WOE, that goes without saying. I am not where I want to be yet. But I want to just live this day. Not talk about my way of eating, or my way of exercising, not engage with others regarding either of these things...I just want to be more than the sum total of "how'd you lose so much weight?" So when I am out and about in this world today - I will give of myself as a WHOLE person. Not a small part of me, but all of me. I am intelligent, kind, great sense of humor, sweet, honest and with a smidge of wisdom for my efforts. I will bring all of that to the table...and shut up about the rest. I am supposed to weigh in this morning. I am not going to. I will do what I know to do, I will be faithful to myself and the commitments to this lifestyle...but I will not use the world's measuring stick. I will find ways to accept the remainder of this journey is all about MY MIND. (the mechanics of losing...I should have this down by now...) Accepting myself for who I am, learning that if I died today I could never go back and get the 5 minutes I just stare in the mirror at myself not liking what I see - well, I don't want that for myself anymore. I do want the remainder of the weight gone. And IT WILL GO...but it will be a "background" focus instead of a "foreground" one. In the foreground now will be a life worth living. A life of intention. A life of love, internal freedom, and the pursuit of my happiness...and the happiness of others! That IS a life worth living to me.
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 Comments
Thank u for a minute I thought u were talking about me
08 Aug 10 by member: ksln2002
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didn't quite get it all in perspective yet...but still working on it..
09 Aug 10 by member: jsfantome
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I love this post :) I am getting there too, where I will need to stop focusing on the weight loss and focus on life as a whole. I completely understand how you feel. Every single day at least 3 people congratulate me or question me or whatever about my weight. It is nice and flattering and I like to share and help, but at this point I'm getting sick of it. I can't wait to move to another city where people I meet will only see the "new" me (though I'm the same person I've always been, just in a healthier body). I know I need to watch what I eat and to exercise in order to keep the weight off, but I too hope this can become background noise, not the focus. Perhaps what we need are new focuses. Sometimes I think I should get another degree or take up knitting or something! Recognizing what you want is half the battle. I'd say you're 3/4 the way there, my friend.
09 Aug 10 by member: k8yk
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K8, thanks for "getting it"...'cause you do. I wondered if you felt this way sometimes. You always seem so positive and encouraging - but then you are here in a forum that brings that out of you on a topic that is near and dear to your heart...but then there is the rest of life...and well, I wondered how after a LONG period of time, how you were dealing with the changes being the number one thing people bring up all the time. I guess with time, they will get used to the 'changes' and will again see the person as a whole...but with you...they have seen quite a transformation!!! That's what I meant w/ my focus...needs focus. Hope the world around you begins to see you with a new focus...from the inside out...instead of the other way around. Someone recently suggested to me I might enjoy studying martial arts. Or taking adult beginner ballet! Now there's a mental picture for ya!!! LOL.
10 Aug 10 by member: jsfantome
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A lot of people say that to me "You seem to always be positive". That's how I deal. There ARE negatives and I simply choose to not dwell on them. I come to this site to encourage people and write about positive successes. When I want to talk about my problems, I talk to my boyfriend :) Here, I just talk about weight stuff and really for the last 6-8 months I haven't had any complaints. I'm patient and I know I'm doing the right things in that department. I try to be a voice of reason for people who are emotionally caught up in whatever the scale says- because really that makes no sense. This doesn't mean I don't have negative thoughts, problems and issues. I just try not to bring them here. Negativity is destructive. Fake it til you make it :) It works. It seems so corny, but smile and think of something good and pretty soon you really do start to feel better. I think martial arts is a fantastic idea! Why not? It doesn't hurt to try it! You may find it brings you some inner peace you didn't expect.
10 Aug 10 by member: k8yk
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I think I am more of the ballet type...but that's just 'cause I'm kinda "girly"...who knows maybe the martial arts is right up my alley. Guess I could try both and see which one I like more :)
As for the fake it til you make it...well, I have done that a LOT in my life - and it has served me well. I have brought both the positive and the negative to this site, and to my journal...but it's who I am...and in the end we all learn from one another's life experiences. Some things have been rather personal, but in the end I have found there are a LOT of common things amongst people. And while offering me encouragement - people have told me they have worked through some pretty serious issues while communicating with me. That's a joy to me in the end. So it's worth running the risk, and taking the time, to be genuine in all situations. Even a public site such as this.
Learning to love myself again, has brought me the most inner peace - and I really didn't see that one coming...at all. But I'll take it!
10 Aug 10 by member: jsfantome
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I would dearly love to share my personal life issues here, but unfortunately I can't. Without going into detail, mine involve family members, drug problems, and mental instability. A certain person stalks me online. I have to assume everything I write is being read by this person (even right now, I'm not sure if I want to post this, but I guess I will) and anything I open up about will be held against me. It isn't worth it, I've been down that road in the past. I have to keep those things offline. I'm sure it would be of great benefit to me to share them here since I have such a wonderful support system, but it just isn't something I can do, unfortunately.
10 Aug 10 by member: k8yk
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well, find a pen pal you can trust and be sure to email often...it's good for you to have a source (other than just your BF) to be able to have long indulgent chats about nothing!!! or something should the case arise.... you can always email me...no stalkers here. promise.
10 Aug 10 by member: jsfantome
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