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Received the results back from my blood work and ultrasound. Luckily with the chatty nurse yesterday morning giving me some fairly bad news that she didn't see any progress, the call at 3pm that day wasn't as much of a blow as it could have been. They called and told me to stop taking the shots right now for this cycle, because the tests showed there was no growth or stimulation happening this time. We have a call with the fertility specialist next Thursday to discuss "next steps", whatever that means. We are approved for another cycle with insurance, so I'm willing to give it a go for another month, but in the end, I guess it will depend on what the doctors decide. This news definitely affected me last night, and I felt extremely flat because of it. I'm typically a very happy happy person, so when I feel flat/depressed, it has a tendency to really do a number on me because I'm not use to it. I feel flat, I speak flatly, I am flat….just felt like crying, and feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat today. I'm unfocused at work because of it. I know this too shall pass, but boy, this definitely takes a toll on your emotions! I'm ready to get off of this emotional rollercoaster so I can start feeling like me again. It's hard. The thing that sucks too is I know sooooooo many people right now that are pregnant, and it kills me because I am very happy for them, but at the same time I have to fight back getting mad at myself because of thinking, why them, why can't I get pregnant? I get mad at myself because I figure I should just be able to be happy for them, and not be selfish and think of myself…but I can't help it right now.
I have the race tonight...so I'll have the exercise to get some of my frustrations out at least =)
The best thing I had this morning was when I went into the smaller bathroom to get ready for work. I saw a note on the counter that was addressed to me. It was the sweetest note from my husband, just pointing out all of the things he feels about me. He is my rock, my true love, my friend, my soul mate, and I am sooooo very lucky that I chose him and that he chose me.
Diet Calendar Entry for 26 June 2008:
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1006 kcal
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Fat: 23.14g | Prot: 56.39g | Carb: 158.60g.
Breakfast: Weight Watchers Yogurt, strawberry, raspberries, blueberries, Fiber One. Lunch: swedish meatballs. Dinner: chicken sausage. more...
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 Comments
(((HUGS))) Sorry to hear things are not working out as hoped for you. But I'm so glad you've obviously got a wonderful man in your life to help you through this. I'm praying for your next round to be the one that works for you - third time's a charm - isn't that what they say? The race sounds like good therapy. Go work up a good sweat and raise up some endorphins.
26 Jun 08 by member: evelyn64
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You have been one of my biggest supporters through my issues, always so positive. Stay that way with yourself! Things will work out. Continue to be thankful for your wonderful husband-- you both are truly lucky to have found what you have. We're all here for you!
26 Jun 08 by member: katrinat
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I want to add only this, your feelings are absolutely normal and it's okay to feel envious etc, while also feeling happy for others, it's not selfish or bad, it's human. We are a complicated bunch! Your husband has the right idea-be kind to yourself and honor the fact that you have the courage to get through this.
26 Jun 08 by member: Densible
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Hey you, I know exactly how you feel. My roommate is preganant and that is the hardest thing for me right now. Unfortunately, I find myself wanting to stay distant from her because all she wants to talk about is the pregnancy, which is understandable for her, but for me...I am too jealous to want to listen. I was welcoming the break from the shots and doctor appointments, but now I am ready to try again and have to wait. It feels like so many people around me are getting pregnant that don't want it. My roommate was even expecting twins at first and I have to admit I was a bit upset when she was relieved that she was only having one. It is really good for her though because of the stress of having two at once. Hang in there. Know that you are a huge inspiration to me and I am here if you need to talk and not hear the same song and dance we always get! :) Run your heart out tonight and get some of the frustration out...exercise truly is the best remedy for a broken heart sometimes. And it is okay to just let it all go!
26 Jun 08 by member: mrsbarker
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awww...so sorry to hear you had such a rough night and a not so good day today...I want to commend you on your selflessness at being here for so many of us when your life feels so turbulent right now. See, you are not selfish or thinking only of yourself--you are only human to feel any feelings of envy! I don't know what to say to make you feel better about the whole medical aspect of things---I hope you get positive results soon! Meanwhile, can I recommend you to enjoy the other fabulous aspect you have, i.e., a wonderful husband who APPRECIATES you and LOVES you! Now, as a single person lookng for love for the longest time, I envy you that! See, life evens us out that way--we always have soemthing that no one else does, and yes, we don't always get what we SHOULD have already, dammit! But soon...you'll get good baby news, and I'll get good romance in my life---here's hoping! :) I KNOW 08 will be GOOD!! LOL!
26 Jun 08 by member: 08willbegreat
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You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know this infertility stuff sucks!!! I remember trying for 4 years before the right doctor came along for me. He finally figured out what meds to take and when and everything. But in those 4 long years of trying and always getting bad news, it seemed like everyone in the world was pregnant. The girl I worked with was even afraid to tell me she was pregnant. I remember being so happy for her, but in the back of my mind, I was like, this should be my turn. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way either. It's just human nature (not to mention the rush of hormones going through your system) to feel like this. You are so very luck to have the wonderful husband that you do. Mine was with me every step of the way too. I almost forgot how emotional it was for him as well. If you have been approved for another cycle, go for it and give it all you've got. Third time may be the charm. Who knows, maybe the doctors will switch up your meds. Anytime insurance approves something, run with it while you can! Oh, on a lighter note.....congrats on the jeans. That's always a great feeling!!! Good luck in your race tonight. --Julie
26 Jun 08 by member: Albright777
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Girly... stop being so hard on yourself. :) God loves you and is guiding you... all the answers as to why, maybe only he will know, but he helping to guide you. Trust in him. REMEMBER that the hormones are controlling your emotions and roller coaster feelings. It's okay, they are tough things to try to control. Sounds like you have great support with your hubby... whatever is supposed to happen, will, and it'll be the best thing ever to happen! Chin up... you will come through with flying colors! =)
26 Jun 08 by member: bullytrouble
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a friend of mine has been trying for 7.8 years...and it was after they decided that each other was enough for them that they got pregnant...it will happen when your body and mind are both ready at the same time...
26 Jun 08 by member: veggies yuk
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FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART….THANK YOU. Reading all your responses helped me get through this day. I was definitely in a self pity mode and weepy today. I ended up choosing not to go to the race tonight due to it raining, and figured running in the rain would probably only add to my depression for today. Instead, I tried to snap out of it and stay home, make dinner, and plan a night for when hubby got home from classes (last night of one of his MBA classes tonight). It kept me pre-occupied, and I was glad when he came home. Tomorrow is a new day, I'm sure it will be brighter than today, but again, thank you for all your comments and support, it was greatly appreciated. =)
26 Jun 08 by member: Cheeks
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