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Weight History
showing entries 11 to 12 of 12
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11 August 2012
Motivation's a funny thing...
10 years ago I was diagnosed with a disorder which ended a promising music career before it could truly begin. Having lost the only thing that mattered to me I spiraled out into depression.
7 years ago I, within the space of a month, had a fiancee leave me for reasons still unknown, had a business partner screw me out of what I saw as my last chance to make an actual difference in the world, and ended up working for the only company who would hire me: an ISP I'd really only known about beforehand due to a child pornography scandal.
I spiraled out again. Only this time I went down /hard/. As to where my friends and family were? My network of friends had dissolved earlier that year for other reasons and my family..well..
The best I can gather so far as they go is that I'm a source of constant disappointment which is better left hidden and ignored than it is addressed....
Within a year I gained damn near 150 pounds. I'd already begun gaining weight because, well, going from performing to IT meant a massive drop in activity but with the new job, the isolation (some, but not entirely self-imposed), and the depression the majority of it came on in that first year there. The weight came on so fast my body is a maze of stretch marks.
I knew I had to do something but, what was the motivation?
Should I do it for the people I love? No. Friends come and go and my family has made it clear that they just. don't. care.
To live longer? I've been basically committing suicide by food. Living longer wasn't a motivation to quit smoking, it's certainly not a motivation to lose weight. Even with making changes for the positive it'll be a long time before I look at living past 40 as anything more than a chore.
To make myself more attractive? Nah. To be honest I never really cared about that. Dating is something of a non-priority for me since experience tells me I have extremely poor choice in women.
No. So far as I'm concerned anyone who thinks I need those as motivation can get bent. I'm not going to do this for the people who abandoned me, I'm not going to do this so I can continue in a career I hate (and which has been contributing to my slowly killing myself).
I'm going to do this for purely stupid, selfish, shallow reasons.
I'm going to do this because I want to be able to fit on a roller coaster again.
I'm going to do this so I can have a sense of style beyond "these are the clothes that will fit me"
I'm going to do this so I can walk and converse at the same time.
I'm going to do this so I can do simple things like tie my shoes, and sit on the ground without my ponderous gut getting in the way.
I'm going to do this so I can go to a show and actually run in the circle pit (because moshing is the only dancing with doing).
I'm going to do this so I can fit through a septa turnstyle.
I'm going to do this because I've watched the list of things I enjoy doing and am still able to do dwindle to nothing while the list of "crap I do instead which enforces an unhealthy lifestyle and continues my inevitable journey towards becomes X-Men's Blob" increase steadily.
I'm going to do this because music photography is a hell of a lot easier when you can actually do things like jump on the stage w/o looking like a beached whale.
I'm going to do this because I want to have /some/ kind of accomplishment in my adult life which isn't "I managed to get through X without giving into the suicidal thoughts"
I'm going to do this because I deserve to be fucking happy and the only person who cares about /that/ goal is me.
(1 comment)
25 July 2012
Here we go, Day 1. Perhaps technically Day 2.
I went from having a relatively active lifestyle to riding a desk for a living and I, well, ballooned. Definitely gained over 150 pounds in the course of about 2 years. An inconsistent schedule my being a stress eater, depression, and God only knows what other factors helped contribute to it but, its about time for a change.
Since I got here by making a series of poor decisions, in part because I'd never been taught how to make good ones and in part because I didn't know what WERE good ones I've decided that the best way for me to start this off is to have some of my decision making privileges revoked.
So, now I've got a trainer, helping me choose what to eat, and pushing me to force my body to exercise again...and push me he does. Not that I mind...I actually sort of enjoy working out, just never had the discipline to do it consistently.
The goal for this week: Eat on a consistent schedule. I got this way through a combination of skipping meals, neglecting to eat for sometimes a couple days at a time, then gorging...and almost always on things I shouldn't have been eating to begin with. On top of that most of my calorie intake any given day was likely from soda/energy drinks. I fixed the soda part (mostly) now its time to fix the rest. I'm still not sure about how much Dan wants me to eat each day (I keep bitching that he wants me to eat too much...I doubt I'll see much sympathy there ;) ) but I'm going to make this happen.
So week 1. Weigh in: 392 pounds. Weight to Lose: 100 pounds. Fat% about 49
No measurements yet. I'll get there. Pics too, maybe.
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