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21 May 2015

I'm here again. Been a long time. I re-read my journal entry from July 11, 2014 and it made me cry. Here I am, again, almost a year later and more than 15 pounds heavier. It's official, I finally weigh over 300 pounds! I'm horribly miserable. I hide from my weight and all of the ways it prevents me from living a functional and happy existence.

I was laid off in February so now I work at a desk at home for myself instead of in an office for other people... but that just made the fridge easier to get to. It's since then I've put on the last 10 pounds or so. That's when my 3x clothes stopped fitting. Went shopping to buy some super fat stretch pants and decided I needed a bra pretty badly as well. The nice 40ish woman at the bra store was trying to help by measuring me but it was yet another awkward moment when she couldn't reach around me and I had to help. I just feel so gargantuan compared to other people.

I somehow injured my shoulder about 8 months ago now and I'm about to start PT for it but the combination of my weight and lack of proper range of motion in my shoulder.... I'm really having a hard time even dressing myself. My husband has been helping me get dressed when I've struggled with my hurt shoulder to get into 3x clothes that didn't fit and couldn't connect my bra. He's loved me so much through all of this. These last 30+/- pounds seem to have really built a barrier of some kind between he and I as well. The love is still strong but I just can't keep up with him anymore. I can't seem to keep up the pace my kids seem to need from me either lately. I'm tired and sluggish. I can't keep living this way.

The recent events led me to seek help from my doctor. It wasn't the first time. Last Dr I asked for help put me on phentermine despite my reports that it caused me terrible anxiety. That lasted all of 2 days. I've spent the last 6 months laxidazily trying to find a good doctor to potentially help me get gastric bypass surgery because I didn't feel like I could do it any other way. I finally got a good doctor lined up, had to wait 30 days for appointment, and he referred me to the nutritionist. I'm ready to go with the flow so I make an appointment.... another 30 days out. :( 15 days later, I get a call from scheduling to push that appointment another 30 days out. :( So, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, I'd normally retreat with some food and let it go.

Yesterday, with all of this on my mind... I made a leap that's out of character and joined a local Curves gym. Its more money than I wanted to spend but I have to do something different. I can't keep letting life pass me by. Last night I snacked on fruit instead of ice cream and this morning I drank a protein meal replacement drink. I am here long enough to write this entry and get my fatsecret account ready to help me track a journey that I'm hoping will be my WIN against a lifetime of obesity. [deep breathe] Well, that's it.... my first workout starts in a few minutes, I better get moving.
   add comment on diet Calorie Count  

21 May 2015

Weigh-in: 297.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 125.0 lb Diet followed N/A
   add comment on diet Calorie Count   gaining 5.2 lb a week

21 May 2015

Weigh-in: 297.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 125.0 lb Diet followed N/A
   add comment on diet Calorie Count   gaining 5.2 lb a week

01 November 2014

Weigh-in: 148.0 lb lost so far: 124.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Calorie Count   losing 8.5 lb a week

11 July 2014

I've been avoiding it for years, thinking about it a lot for months, talking about it some for weeks.... so I guess I should do it.... I just have to lose weight!

In February 2012 I made the first real attempt at weight loss in my life. I was 220 pounds at 18, then I gained slowly in my 20s. When I began my challenge in 2012 I was 272 pounds and I got down to 231 pounds in 3 months by eating salads and walking on a borrowed treadmill. I felt amazing. I loved the way I looked and felt and had more FUN!

After a while, I stopped eating salads and slowly gained a few pounds a month again until I reached 272 again and I plateaued there for quite a while..... and then it got worse. I am now 285 pounds and I can't function anymore. I feel the full impact of the term "morbidly" obese now. I sit at a desk all day and I just don't get enough movement.

I hate it when my mom is right, but as weight seemed to slip off easier when I was in my 20's, now, at almost 34 (later this month) I'm starting to see a short unhealthy life ahead of me if I can't get in control of this problem.

I lack will power and I love food. I've talked to my husband. I've tried a few fad diets this year with poor results. Today I have to start improving my health through weight loss. I got the treadmill back and I walked a half mile today. Its not much, but its a start. I'm hoping I can muster the commitment to exercise at least 3 times a week. I have to build up my tolerance again. I will try to start salads again too.

Hopefully this will be the beginning of something good. I have to try.
Weigh-in: 285.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 113.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   add comment on diet Calorie Count   gaining 0.7 lb a week

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