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Weight History
showing entries 6 to 10 of 64
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10 April 2011
So I ran my race today :D So proud of myself :D
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09 April 2011
panic. scared. have i made the right choices in life. sitting at home. alone. its saturday night. dont want to be with people. HAPPIEST on my own. and yet. any yet. and yet... sad :( sad that its too late for me. writing it down but these thoughts are what normally trigger an eating binge. only most of the time i dont even allow the thoughts to form. what do i want with my life? what do i want to do? what is my purpose? am i forcing myself to do things that dont fulfill me? like studying? am i running away from what i know WILL fulfill me? like my writing? but what if the writing DOESNT fulfil me? what then? what do i blame? who do i blame???
have this huge ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach? are we supposed to feel like this? are we supposed to feel this scared all the time? what do i do? hide in religion? how tempting is that? hide from life? join a metaphoric convent? like most of the people i know who claim to be religious...
What do i want from life? What am I hiding from myself? And when I find out what I want will I stop hiding in food? Why do I obsess about my weight and my body? I am at worst 'average'. Why is that not good enough for me? why do i feel the need to look like a fitness model or supermodel? Do i think that that's all Im about? my body and the percentage of fat i carry around?
what do i REALLY want? And what if I never ever find out what it is?
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05 April 2011
Fear of success. I has it.
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05 April 2011
So I ate too much cake this weekend :D. It was a combination of availability, stress, period cravings and just a lack of the will too resist. Its OK. I dont hold it against me. These occasions will arise again and im just not going to hate myself for (was going to say 'being weak') but that is the wrong way to put it bcos I am NOT a weak person. I am a very strong person. And I realise that the way I frame my behaviour is also significant. I KNOW i will reach my goals of the body I envision and visualise. This is how I live my life and that includes eating cake. I CAN EAT MY CAKE AND HAVE THE BODY I WANT WHICH IS 57KGS WITH 12% BODYFAT.
Its so amazing for me to NOT feel bad or hate myself for not eating clean. Yes, I eat clean. I dont diet. And that ALONE is such a mental paradigm shift :D. i LOVE food. I love to eat. I accept that. I just dont obsess about it anymore. Every meal is an opportunity to learn and to improve. What I DID realise and discover about my beautifully, perfect, happily transforming body, is that MY BODY doesnt like to be fed too much high-fat, high sugar food. On Sat night I felt nauseous bcos I ate too much sugar while preparing the desserts and pudding for Sunday. On Sunday night I actually had to get up in the middle of the night to throw up. That was a very encouraging sign because my body is telling me to not eat the sugar. Especially chocolate. It LITERALLY makes me sick. Is that not amazing??????? Is my body not a fantastic machine???
And today I've already had 2 bm's. I feel bloated. I know this feeling. Its a sign of overindulgence. But Im happy about that also. Its just another incentive to eat clean. clean eating = feel better. Im not going to gym today. Need to rest. Realise that I was on my feet for 3 solid days doing housework and chores and I need to rest. Going to do some shopping later, but thats all the exercise Im getting. Going to run outdoors 2moro to prep for the big RACE on Sunday :). SO excited. And also on Friday. But i need this day off.
Also, I am reading Tom's book TBFS and I know this time I will address my emotional eating issues. Once I deal with these issues, I KNOW I will be able to stick to BFFM a LOT better. Already I have made a lot o progress mentally and emotionally, just since I started writing this journal. Baby steps. This is a lifestyle. The only one I need to impress is me. I just have such high expectations yet am quick to rip myself off. So Im going to STOP that. In fact, I already have.
My new goal is to be at goal by 30 June when we leave for Malaysia :) Going to be RIPPED in my orange bikini when I am snorkelling on Sabah! By the end of this week, I will have the answers and will start my new journey of reaching my goals armed with the tools to overcome the binge-eating and the self-sabotage. These are tools I will be able to use in ALL areas of my life. And that is pretty damn exciting :)
I am LOVING this journey :D.
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02 April 2011
Weighed again this morning. down .8kg ... bah! im going to weigh officially 2moro again.
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