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I have struggled with weight since my teens and have been aware of body issues since I was six or seven years old. I remember at the age of six trying to abstain from dinner because I needed to lose weight. My first "diet" attempt was at seventeen when I fasted for two months. Gained back the weight, then fasted again. Later I became an exercise junkie. Then weight watchers. Then severe caloric restriction. Then....
This has been going on for forty years.
I started again, but I am attempting to learn from these failures. There has to be a change from this misery. I am now on a low carb diet, keeping my carbs under 50g. I have done this one before, but I like the food, I lose weight, and I feel satisfied; however, I can only last about three months on this plan before I feel the angst of the restriction from carbs. I am not naturally a big meat eater, nor do I like to cook. Chicken, eggs, veggies, and fruits become monotonous and the desire to carb becomes overwhelming. Once I eat a cookie or candy I am gone on a run. Who knows when I will get back to eating sanity.
I have started to do some reading in order to better understand this cycle. I am tired of this routine. I know that in a few weeks, or maybe tomorrow, I will "blow it." I will completely negate the health reasons for this change, or the fact that I feel so much better. I feel as though I am in a prison of my own design.
With that, I am discovering that I am not a general over eater. I do not gorge at mealtimes. I do not really enjoy the food eating experience. If I go to a buffet or bbq with family, I do not eat several plates. However, I am a binge eater. I eat hundreds or thousands of carb calories at a sitting and I am usually alone. High sugar carbs such as pastries, candies, etc. I love sugar. I enjoy the feeling that a package of Oreos brings to me.
There is actually a medical name for this called Binge Eating Disorder. I do not like labels, but the symptoms describe my behavior perfectly. Apparently, my eating behavior is a symptom of not only a physical state, but has an emotional and spiritual component as well. I binge on sugar to cope with stress, anger, sadness, happiness...
Nutritionists and therapists talk about ditching the diet, intuitive eating, restriction-chaos cycles, self-acceptance, empowerment, eating disorders and disordered eating, food neutrality, etc. They talk about "health at any weight." What the heck does that mean? All this is overwhelming and confusing. No matter though, I know where I am and where I need to go. I cannot sustain a "diet" in the long run; experience is proof. I cannot muscle my way through carb restriction for much longer. Somehow I have to change my attitude toward food. Somehow.
Yesterday I ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich. It was delicious, but total verboten on my diet. But I love peanut butter. So, I bought natural peanut butter and sprouted grain bread. I counted the calories using this program and added to sandwich to my budget. I loved it and did not feel that I was "blowing it."
I hope to keep learning and finding joy in my eating and life. My next adventure, sounds silly, is to eat a couple of oatmeal raisin cookies...freshly baked. Not one of those damn low fat or low sugar lumps of crap, a real cookie. Funny how I have to think about it so much, but I have to stay conscious.
Diet Calendar Entries for 12 December 2015:
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1846 kcal
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Fat: 98.73g | Prot: 110.02g | Carb: 135.00g.
Breakfast: Lucerne 1% Lowfat Cottage Cheese, Pecan Nuts, Great Value Maple & Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal. Lunch: Fuji Apples, Chicken Thigh. Dinner: Breaded Chicken Patty, Fillet or Tenders, American Value Green Beans (Canned). more...
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2600 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Weight Training (moderate) - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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