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Well, hello, journal. It's been ten years since I've written here, and I don't know why, but I was recently prompted to take a look back at the journey I documented here all those years ago. I almost feel like a different person now — so much has changed.
I've struggled with infertility and ultimately accepted that children are not in my future.
I've completed my bachelor's degree after almost a decade of slow progress.
I've changed careers from childcare to copywriting.
I've suffered injuries and been diagnosed with conditions that have made healthy living more of a struggle than ever — and more crucial.
I've mourned the loss of my father-in-law, watched my husband experience immeasurable grief, felt retraumatized as I revisited the agony of losing my own father as a child.
I've survived a pandemic and the social isolation that came with it (as we all have).
I've gone from being the "healthy" one in my marriage to seeing my husband prioritize his health and now struggling to keep up with him.
I've reached a higher weight than ever before (199 lbs) and felt defeated by the effort it will take to build a more balanced lifestyle.
I've been gripped by anxiety and depression and watched those around me fight similar battles.
And yet...I refuse to give up on myself. The temptation to say "fuck it" and let myself devolve into what my deepest inner critic thinks I truly am (a lazy nobody, a shameful failure, an inherently flawed loser who is not worthy of love or health or happiness or fulfillment of any kind) is incredibly strong at times, and yet, there is a part of me that knows I am worth fighting for. And that I can get to where I want to be again. Not just in terms of a physical transformation, but in terms of truly caring for myself. Feeding my body nutritious foods that will improve my health and heal the parts of me that are in distress. Moving my body in ways that strengthen the injured parts, prevent disease, and build vitality. Pursuing activities that make me feel fulfilled, decrease my stress, and build connection with the people whose presence uplifts me. Doing the hard work to process my traumas and develop coping mechanisms that are constructive, not destructive.
When I look back on my previous journal entries here, I see someone who was struggling as well, but who was pushing through and aiming to improve every day. She was hard on herself. Her self-esteem was not innate, but rather, it was dictated by her successes. She was flawed. I feel compassion for her and wish she gave herself a little more grace, and yet, I am inspired by her grit. Is there a way I can find her determination and apply it to my current situation, knowing that things are so different now and that there is a much longer road ahead than there ever was before? I think so. I'm taking steps to improve, finally.
I'm going to the gym at least two times a week and focusing primarily on strength training, which is something I have always enjoyed and seen progress with.
I'm seeing a physical therapist to finally heal old injuries and strengthen weak points that have kept me inactive and afraid of reinjury.
I'm seeing a therapist to address my anxiety, depression, grief, and disordered eating.
I do have a long road ahead, but at least I'm walking down the path now instead of standing at its outset, fearfully thinking, "Someday I'll start."
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