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I told 3 of my co-workers, about my weight loss and my starting weight of 315. They looked at me like I had 4 heads. one of them to said (to save face) "well, you hide it so well, I would have never have guessed you were that much." Yeah, Im "that much".... was "that much". Won't ever be "that much" again. Why did I even bother telling them, you might ask. Well, I got tired of middle aged women talking about how happy they would be if they were just down to their high school weight.... UGH! You had 4 kids, your eating doughnut holes, and sugar in your coffee. And you want to look at me like I'M the FREAK. But, you just want to be back to you HIGH SCHOOL weight!??!?!? When I was in High school I weight 230 pounds! I don't want to be 230lbs. I don't want to go back to the good old days. My best body isn't in my past, it's in my future. I am struggling with trying SO hard with making sure I do the right thing. Still working in what I like to eat with what I need to eat and hopefully, not screwing myself over in the process. I haven't drank a soda or even a sweet tea in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that what I'm doing isn't enough.
I am much more sympathetic to drug attics and AA members than the average person. I know the craving, the "just one more" the questions from well meaning friends "should you really be doing that?" And me snapping their head off, with "I can do what I want." "Don't judge me, I'm hungry, I can eat can't I?!?!" But the twist is, you can live with out booze and drugs. And still have a great life, people that love you, want to be their for you. But, if you quit eating cold turkey. Well, after a while, you're dead. To have a happy productive life you still have to eat. Eating will always be there, the "just one more" voice; I'm afraid, will never go away.
Please, if you are reading this and you have kids, or eat doughnut holes, I am not judging you. EVEN if you are a woman who has talked about getting down to her high school weight. I'm not judging you either. It's really not about anyone else. Just venting. I felt something then, just this angry stir in my heart. I debated and cried over wither or not to share and I thought maybe you would have some insight. I know this is a long hall journey. I know that as long as I am doing all I can do then it will be enough in the end. I am ready for change. I need this to happen. I needed to be here. To have this system, and you here. You have been so supportive, from day one of my being here. Thank you. Thanks for letting me vent and express my scrambled brain.
I really do believe my best self is coming. She will come when she is ready though. She won't be here if I eat a cookie or if I don't. But, only when it is her time. But, I must get ready for my better self, she has expectations and dreams. And I want to be able to do them.
Diet Calendar Entry for 28 April 2015:
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1443 kcal
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Fat: 70.00g | Prot: 78.99g | Carb: 138.56g.
Breakfast: Oroweat Double Fiber English Muffins, Kroger Turkey Sausage Patties, Sheetz Scrambled Egg Patty, Kraft American Cheese Slice. Lunch: Breakstone's Cottage Doubles Lowfat Cottage Cheese & Blueberry Topping, Wal-Mart Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast, Mayonnaise, Marketside Broccoli Slaw, Kroger Hearts of Romaine Lettuce. Dinner: Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Cole Slaw, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Green Beans, Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Hamburger Steak. Snacks/Other: Dannon Light & Fit Greek - Strawberry Banana, Cuties Clementines, Nabisco Belvita Soft Baked Banana Bread Breakfast Biscuits, Kirkland Signature Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. more...
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