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Okay, I did something today that may be a huge mistake or the smartest decision of my life. I spent some time thinking amongst the chatter in my head and outside of my head. I've spent the last several years of my life trying to get myself to a point to start my life. Yep, start a life. I'm 37. I'm tired of waiting. I'm psychotic again. I'm a bit manic again, which is probably what gave me the courage to go for this today.
I had the idea to go and get sugar at the store today. I stared at the sugar and then walked over and picked up the sugar free candy instead that is 1 gram of carb per serving instead of like 22 per serving. I enjoyed my candy, and while enjoying my candy signed up for a dating site.
I haven't seriously dated in 11 years. Okay, last guy. We're at my place having our first date. We're holding hands, "Let's make love." "No." "Why?" "I've known you for a week and we met in a crisis unit. I don't move that fast." He wouldn't stop calling. I mean geeze. I dropped him and a few months later he didn't even remember my name. Guy before that, proved to be immature when I couldn't give him all of my attention during the only time I got to do something I enjoyed (literally the only 2 hours a week I got to do some MUSHing and he was a jerk about it reading off my screen three lines back from where I was typing, throwing the caps lock on repeatedly, he left without saying a word to me, didn't talk to me for days, then finally didn't talk to me at all), guy before that, turned out as I was getting ready for our first date I found out he hit women. I told him to take a hike and he said, "If you want this to be over all you have to do is ask." No, no, I don't. Don't have to ask for diddly from someone I haven't even made to the sodas with yet. Those are the most recent and that goes back as recent as 2012. Okay, not a real active area of my life as I keep saying, "When I get stable."
So, now, I'm signed up, and also partly because, hey, you know what, I've lost 85 freaking pounds total from my highest. I look better. I feel better. I am stronger (literally as well). If I spend my life waiting for that time when I'm finally all there I'm going to be 81 and in a diaper again. Nope. Going to live my life now, while I can call it a life. I am not old. I won't be old until a 100. My CSS is not being told about the dating site. She'll flip her lid.
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