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I haven't been very good about keeping journal entries. I'm writing one now, because it's almost been a year since I started using this site to keep track of my weight loss efforts.
I've lost close to 60lbs in the past year, which brings my total up to 80lbs lost. My body has changed a lot. Sometimes I see it and it shocks me. My shape reflected against a glass door, or a glimpse of myself in a mirror (especially from the side. I can't get over how "narrow" I seem) will jar my thoughts for a second. And then there are all the bones that jut out of me now. I can count my ribs. My hip bones are huge. And the backs of my hands! So veiny. Sometimes I sit and poke at a vein on my the back of my left hand, just so that I can watch it ooze its way back. It's simultaneously fascinating and icky.
So given all these changes, one would think that I'd feel quite different. Only I don't. There are some changes -- I'm more relaxed in public spaces, I seem less inhibited about "putting myself out there" -- but in terms of how I see myself, I still see fat. Granted, part of it is that I still have fat; I'm an apple shape, so my midsection carries a lot of the excess fat. But more than that -- I still feel heavy and...too big. And this is despite the fact that I SEE collarbones. I SEE my new body shape. And I see my size 10 jeans that are fitting a little too loosely. I'm not sure what to make of it. I've got 13lbs to go before I hit my goal weight of 150lbs. When I get there, will I suddenly feel thin? Or will I continue to stare at myself critically, focusing on the bits that still seem too fat? I don't know. Maybe it's that I need to weigh less than 150 for my frame. Honestly, I just picked 150 out of nowhere. No, wait, it wasn't out of nowhere -- it just seemed like a good weight goal, given that for my height (5'6) the weight range I found was 120lbs to 160lbs. Plus given that I was 240+, 150 seemed tiny. But now here I am, approaching "tiny," and not feeling anywhere near thin enough. How much of it is my warped perception? I don't know. I can't be objective when it comes to my weight. I really can't.
Okay, new plan: I'm going to focus on getting to my goal weight of 150. I'm going to keep eating healthy and exercising. I'm going to give myself time to get used to my new body. I'm going to remind myself that I can't judge myself objectively, not when it comes to weight. Also, I've been fat for around 26 of my 33 years, so really, it's not like that mindset is going to fade overnight. It will most likely take years. And maybe some aspects of it will never fade.
Diet Calendar Entry for 20 April 2011:
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1571 kcal
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Fat: 62.57g | Prot: 100.17g | Carb: 172.54g.
Breakfast: oroweat double fiber, i can't believe it's not butter, fried eggs, Honey, farmer john premium, kirkland organic strawberry. Lunch: red onion, tomato, chicken of the sea albacore, pace picante, organic brown rice. Dinner: honey, deli sliced turkey, american cheese, oroweat double fiber. Snacks/Other: apple, white sugar, 2% milk. more...
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