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I read an article last night, about a project a young woman with Bi-Polar II is doing, showing the dual lives people who live with mental health diagnoses often deal with. One photograph shows a well put-together person smiling, and ready to face the world. It's juxtaposed next to a photo of the same person frozen by their depression and anxiety. It really is a beautiful and truthful contrast. It is a duality I myself live with every day. It's easy to smile and appear put-together at work, and even to a degree in front of my family so they don't worry about me. The problems at work have solutions. They may be complicated, but they always have an answer eventually. Life outside of work is not quite so cut and dried.
I found myself discouraged yesterday after an appointment with the developmental pediatrician. The doctor is the only specialist in our state, and I really don't have a means to take my ASD daughter out of state. I always walk out of that doctor's office frustrated, because I feel like I'm doing as much as I can for my daughter, while trying to balance her needs against her siblings' needs. All I seem to hear at the doctor's office is how I'm not doing it right, how I'm not doing enough, or how the other professionals the doctor recommended for services are not doing enough, or following the prescription of the referral correctly. I'm working long hours, and was thinking yesterda,y I might be at a point I need to look at getting into some counselling myself, to deal with the insecurities of feeling like such an insufficient parent. The trouble is, with all of the professional services my ASD daughter is receiving, and with the activities and other appointments for her siblings, I have no blocks of time to see any one, nor do I really have the money to. It leaves me wanting to just disappear.
I walked out of the doctor's office wanting to stop somewhere and get something sweet to eat. As I drove, and reminded myself I really needed to get back to work, and I realized I wasn't even hungry. I was depressed and wanted something that would at least bring me a little pleasure in life. It's the first time I think I've ever really identified a desire to stress eat, instead of mindlessly just doing it. I managed to hold off until after five, and then finally gave into to a little bite sized piece of candy a friend gave to me earlier in the day. That of course left me ravenously wanting more, but I was able to ignore it.A small victory, but a victory none the less.
I am looking forward to the weekend. I desperately want to sleep in. And if the weather is nice, after taking my oldest daughter to a writing presentation at the library, I think a walk or a bike ride is in order.
Diet Calendar Entries for 30 October 2014:
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2093 kcal
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Fat: 86.68g | Prot: 56.50g | Carb: 276.57g.
Breakfast: Living Essentials 5-Hour Energy Shots - Original, Coffee with Cream and Sugar, Lettieri's Real Time Cafe Breakfast Stacker. Lunch: Healthy Choice Lemon Pepper Fish. Dinner: Hillshire Farm Beef Smoked Sausage (2 oz), Betty Crocker Julienne Potatoes. Snacks/Other: Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, Speedway SuperAmerica Cheesy Pepper Jack Tornado, Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper (20 oz). more...
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2534 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Standing - 15 minutes, Driving - 1 hour, Desk Work - 9 hours, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 15 minutes, Housework - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 1 hour, Sitting - 2 hours and 30 minutes. more...
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 Comments
This time, my friend, it is me who missed out. I so feel for what you are going through with your daughter. My nephew is severely autistic and I've seen how difficult it can be, time-consuming and the impact it has on the entire family. Please do though try to find some ways, even if small, to take care of you too. And, I'm sure you are due much more credit than you give yourself! Raising an ASD child alone is a full-time job! And your resistance to eat yesterday is not just a small victory in my book... it's huge! Good for you! xoxox (P.S. I'm staying curious as I feel still so stuck over my desire to overeat on weekends and returning home from traveling, and hoping the curiosity leads to answers and the missing pieces to my healthy eating & living puzzle.)
30 Oct 14 by member: Ruhu
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I recently shared that same photo essay. I really liked that project. Just last weekend I found myself putting on a "happy face" mask even when visiting my parents. I feel like people wouldn't want to be around me if I showed how I truly feel sometimes, and more than once I've been told it's true a la 'you're so negative' and 'I'm sick of the drama' etc. Very interesting. I feel for you and your long hours and the situation with your daughter, your concern tells me you are a VERY good parent. When I have bad days, I find myself thinking I "deserve" a "reward" in the form of unhealthy food... so I'm with you on beating that habit, because a lot of times, it's not hunger, just stress talking. Hang in there, hope you get some extra sleep and can enjoy the weekend!
30 Oct 14 by member: megmonster
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31 Oct 14 by member: tempest_spirit
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Tempest spirit, You are an amazing mother! And don't let anyone else tell you differently. Have you ever thought that perhaps your doctor is the one who is frustrated and isn't the best communcator? Sometimes as parent's we are hardest on ourselves, then to multiply that with a doctor who doesn't quiet connect with you ( or your daughter that well) and top it off you have bipolar, it's tough. I am proud of you.
Allow yourself 30, more realistically 20 mintues before you go to sleep write down everything, then write down I don't have control of this right now, if go to sleep now, I will wake up with a new outlook.
Enjoy your ride!
31 Oct 14 by member: Jones Jennifer
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I'm actually not Bi-Polar, but do suffer from Depression/Anxiety/PTSD. And thank you very much for your encouragement. And I love your idea. I will definitely try it!
31 Oct 14 by member: tempest_spirit
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