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51yo and I've yet to know what its like to feel truly happy in love forever. I mean does it exist? I was married for 14 years and 10 of them were horrible. I've been in a relationship for 15 years and I can honestly say the first 6 were not great the next 7 were amazing but the last 2 have been boring. I feel like I'm a roommate not a partner. He gave me a ring but doesn't want to get married. Its no wonder I have weight issues because its like I dont deserve being in a loving relationship so why bother right? I'm trying really hard to do this for myself. Actually I'm doing this so that I don't look like a fat lard on my horse. My horse is so cute and he's trained amazing. Then when you see me with all the lumps I can only imagine that people are talking. Last year I lost 55lbs and looked much better on him. I have no clue why I gained all this weight back (about 30lbs). I mean I worked so hard to get down to that size. So many people were complimentary of me. I guess the problem is, the one person I really wanted the attention from didn't give it to me. I dont share with any of my friends how miserable I am with this man. Valentines day, I bought him a nice meal from a great Hibachi restaurant, found a very meaningful card and poured my heart out on it. Know what i got? Nothing!! Not even really a thank you. We don't even sleep in the same bed. Its so sad. I am beginning to think I should just move on. Problem is, now that he's lost most of my money in really bad investments, I can't really afford it.
I have never had someone who wants to spend time with me at my horse riding shows. I'm really very sad but I just need to remain focused on losing this weight. I just really would love to know why I can't find a man who will be proud of me, who will want to love me the way I love him, who will share my happiness, who will take care of me and allow me to take care of him. Thank goodness I have this journal so I can express my feelings because it does help to get them out.
I can't tell my friends because they'll end up encouraging me to leave or they'll be hating him. I'm sure they already dont think too highly of him. If I could just feel like he has some feelings for me. If he would just hold me and understand and be supportive.
Anyway, the scale stopped moving this weekend. I knew it would eventually because they say the first week is huge but the second week isn't as big a loss. I'm still working hard on the treadmill. I know I need to be more disciplined with my food. Its getting better. At least I'm not stuffing ice cream and other fatty foods. I am going over 1500 calories but with healthier choices. I need to train myself to eat less
Ok that's it for today. Glad I have you journal - i feel like now you're all I have
Diet Calendar Entries for 21 February 2011:
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1704 kcal
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Fat: 43.05g | Prot: 100.03g | Carb: 241.23g.
Breakfast: Grapes (Red or Green, European Type Varieties Such As Thompson Seedless), Boiled Egg, Cranberry Orange Muffin Instant Oatmeal (Ocean Spray). Lunch: Cherries Jubilee Nonfat Yogurt, Five Cheese Lasagna. Dinner: fit & active double chocolate, Healthy Vision Vegetables, Wild Caught Salmon Fillets. Snacks/Other: peanut butter, apple, BRDEYE STMFSH CUT GREEN BEANS, Oranges, Banana. more...
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2834 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (brisk) - 4/mph - 25 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 25 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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