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Its Sunday (evening).
God, I have felt like an eating machine today! No matter what I eat it seems within an hour, I am hungry again!
After I did a work out DVD today, I got on the elliptical to just "veg" out. I told myself, "You really only have two choices in this matter- be happy, or make yourself miserable."
And thats exactly how it is, honestly.
I can either keep going in this cycle of over-working and then giving up, or I can keep myself steady and sane, and let the weight come off. Let everything just... go.
I bought the book 'intuitive eating' and have read about the first 100 pages.
I'm in the stage where I 'make peace' with food and give myself permission to eat anything. (At first, this scared the ever-living bahjesus out of me. The book even mentions how some clients may not trust themselves with permission to eat anything.) But keeping my pep-talk that I had earlier in mind, I decided to give it a try.
After I exercised, I had to make food for my mom, and I was starving. I ate an orange. Still hungry. Then I ate salmon mixed with cream cheese on toast. Mmmmm... heavenly. But, about 30 mins later I was STILL hungry. I'm thinking, what the hell?
Normally I would ignore my hunger. Has that led me to this viscous cycle? This Up-DOWN-Up-DOWN, Good-BAD! Punishment, REWARD! system???????
So... I waited, and waited. And was still hungry. I felt like having bread. So i had french bread, and soup. I was satisfied.
Now, i need to shake the 'guilty' feelings I am having for enjoying my bread. Damn it.
The important thing is I didnt binge on the bread. I didnt binge at all. And i havent for a few days now. I am exiting a time period where I was binging daily, and purging just so i could binge again. Terrible!
If this (spending 'extra' calories on foods that I want) prevents me from binging, and saves me from feeling miserable, disgusting, and hopeless; if this way of eating will eventually make me happy, then so be it.
I dont know why I can't stop feeling guilty for that bread. I'm trying not to, but its stressing me out. I should be proud; very very proud. I didnt binge, i didnt over eat.
Uggghhh....
Diet Calendar Entries for 22 March 2009:
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1289 kcal
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Fat: 26.52g | Prot: 60.87g | Carb: 224.27g.
Breakfast: almond butter, banana, whole wheat english muffin. Lunch: salmon, light whole wheat bread, whipped cream cheese, orange. Dinner: select harvest soup, safeway french bread. Snacks/Other: baskin-robbins sugar free candy, cantaloupe, apple, peanut crunch bar, turkey jerky, live active cottage cheese, pineapple. more...
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2471 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 40 minutes, Exercise machine (moderate) - 10 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 30 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 10 minutes, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 11 hours and 20 minutes, Desk Work - 2 hours, Sitting - 1 hour. more...
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 Comments
I think its great you ate all that and your calories are so low. I too eat when I am hungry(except after 7)and I try to make good choices in what to eat. I felt like bologna today so I ate it but I didnt over eat. Good for you in letting everything go and that new books sounds great. Good Luck to you.
22 Mar 09 by member: yogamama3
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People keep telling me small meals spread throughout the day are better for you anyway... I have a friend from China, who is my height and basic build (though I personally never want to be this small) and is a size 4/6. She eats ALL DAY LONG. I know this, because I used to work with her and I watched her. It was small snacks and she stayed tiny. There is probably some truth to it. I mean she ate healthy stuff (kinda freaked me out when she brought in tree fungus one day), but it varies and it's small meals only. Maybe that's what your body is trying to convince you to do. Spread it out more. For example- eat half the orange, wait an hour then fetch the other half out of the fridge (if you can, I myself am having difficulties with this). I don't have all the answers (and I'm still huge), but my friend is tiny and this works for her. She was always getting on my case, because I'd only eat one meal a day. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP! You did a helluva lot better than me!
22 Mar 09 by member: QuirkyNat
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You are just taking the first steps on a new path ... give it some time!! Seems to me eating bread and soup is much healthier than binging and purging and setting off your IBS again. The book sounds very interesting. I've been hungry lately too ... and I am working really hard to attend to my hungry instead of ignoring it .. I hear you loud & clear!! Let's do this together ... make our peace with food and with our bodies!
22 Mar 09 by member: madaboutmoose
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I have found myself, that there are just days when the body needs more than other days. Yesterday, I too had the "im hungry" feeling all day. I didn't ignore it and ate. Ok, I also had 4 chocolate/peanut butter cookies that my son made. I thought I would really regret it, but today when I got on the scale and saw that I had lost, well...I knew that my body was right. (the cookies - not a smart choice lol), but darn it! I was craving it and no regrets. Even if the scale had gone up, oh well...I knew that I would be able to lose it this week w/what I normally eat and exercise. The other, not so wise choice that I make, but it works very well for me, is I have a "cheat day" only one a week where I let myself have those cookies or whatever else I was craving for that week. I don't go overboard w/what I choose and I have found that I don't binge when I let myself have the one thing that I want the most. You did great and I agree w/the above, soup and bread is NOT a bad choice, there are other choice that you could have made that would have been really bad. So you should be proud of yourself and hold your head up high girl!
23 Mar 09 by member: Mrs. H
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I agree with the above comment. Some days I feel starved, then others I feel totally full after eating an apple. It's mind control really. Be proud love <3 <3
23 Mar 09 by member: ohitsashley
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