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Its (the end of) Saturday.
Today was an okay day. I experienced something that I havent in a long, long time, and that was time with my family.
I spent time with my dad one on one for a little while. Then with my oldest brother (17). Then, my mom and I talked for awhile, then I hung out with my 15 year old brother, and last I cooked dinner with my 12 year old brother. I know, thats a lotta brothers. 3 of the little shits. I love them very much, and its days like this that make me very thankful that I didnt bail out right at 18 and leave. I was a different person then, just the same has they were different people.
I cooked a great dinner tonight. It was the first weekend my dad has been home in a month and a half, so we let him pick. He wanted BBQ'ed steak. My 17 year old brother likes to have steak and seafood everytime we BBQ. We havent done it since last summer, so I decided to have a "why not?" moment, and let him pick up some salmon. He added cheesey scalloped potatoes, sara-lee cheese cake ice cream bites, and a claim jumper pie to the menu, as well.
I asked my mom what she wanted for dinner. And she said she wanted BBQ chicken with BBQ sauce (the homemade kind I made before she had her bypass).
So, there we were, all four of us kids, in the kitchen and out on the patio, cooking up a storm on the grill. I cut up some cantaloupe, steamed some veggies, and made some garlic bread to go with all that meat and potatoes. It was like a buffet. Everyone made a plate, and then went upstairs to watch a movie upon my dad's request
...except my mom. She ate her 2 oz of chicken as I finished grilling the last of the salmon. She ate it in the dinning room, while everyone else made their plates, talked, and fooled around.
My dad came downstairs and got her a popscicle when my brothers and him dug into the pie. He said "mom looks very depressed. she does this every time we eat around her, but I just cant continue eating the way she does."
I came upstairs with my plate and looked at my mom before I sat down to watch the movie. Her eyes looked red, as if she was tired... or crying? She just looked exhausted and depressed. She looked... lonely. Almost as if she was left out of some big party that everyone else in the house was celebrating.
As she ate her chicken earlier, she asked me what I was making for the boys and my dad. I answered, "Oh, just steak," in a blase tone. As if i was trying to say, "Oh, you know, just steak. Who eats steak anyways? Pfffttt!"
Then she asked me what I was having for dinner. I said politely, "oh, just a salad."
"Ya know, ha... a salad. Like anyone ever eats that anymore!"
But I felt terrible. Just awful. I felt bad for cooking cheesey potatoes, and garlic bread, and steak.
I felt terrible for enjoying my salmon that I had spent all afternoon marinating in lemon, olive oil, and rosemary; that I grilled with purple onion, asparagus, chili pepper and cilantro, and then laid on a bed of baby spinach and tart dried cherries. I felt like a terrible person while I enjoyed every single damn bite.
I especially felt terrible when dessert came. No matter how much my mom will deny it up and down, left and right, I know she misses sweets. Who wouldnt?
And as my brothers had cheesecake bites and turtle pie, I had my baskin-robbins candy. They're my new best friend in times like that. These little treats are something I wouldnt have allowed myself to have in the past. I saw them as 'needless' calories. Before, I was quite stubborn about desserts. Some day, I just dont *feel* like having anything sweet, so its not a problem. But when I do, and I have to refuse myself to have dessert, I used to say to myself,
"I can hold down the fort without that pie, or those ice cream cheesecake bites, or ANYTHING! so there! take that!"
*Waves a celery stick in the face of high calorie temptations*
Eventually, like anyone, i would cave. But now!
i have found i can trust myself with four of these little soft, chewy baskin-robbins sugarless pieces of heaven. Maybe some day, i'll graduate up to the real things (like pie and cheesecake) and be able to trust myself with them.
But, for now, even I, the person who has lost a lot of weight and the most health-conscious person in my house, gets their kicks.
And thats what makes me feel bad. My mom cant even have those sugar free candies. She's getting tired of her Popsicle. And the chicken or fish every day, every night.
*siiiiiiigggghhhhhh*
I dont know how to deal with that, anymore, to be honest.
Anyways.... I am liking this whole "dont be too damn picky about my calories" thing.
This morning when I woke up, i didnt feel ravenous, like I was going to expire. I dont mind eating after 7 now. This gives me lot of more freedom, and ironically, i feel more in control. I am having a hard time NOT looking at my food diary, though. I just want a little peek, but I am scared I will get discouraged at knowing how many calories I am eating. I'm also curious to see how much I weigh, but I am not going to weigh myself until Monday on yet another new scale.
Yesterday I found out I fit into a size 10 jeans!!!
I bought them and they fit snugly.
Actually, i'd say they are a bit tight.
....Okay, there is mad-muffin-top-action going on. Ugggghhhh! But That gives me a lot of motivation to get rid of my gut so I can actually wear them!
I'm going to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast and work out and I am pretty excited. This makes me happy.
I have made a promise to myself. No matter what I weigh on monday, and no matter how much I lose or dont lose by next monday, i am NOT going to stop being healthy. I am going to keep going- keep being happy and I am not going to stress myself out over it. I will not focus on the future; I will not let the past effect me. I live in the present. And I will.
Diet Calendar Entries for 22 March 2009:
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1289 kcal
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Fat: 26.52g | Prot: 60.87g | Carb: 224.27g.
Breakfast: almond butter, banana, whole wheat english muffin. Lunch: salmon, light whole wheat bread, whipped cream cheese, orange. Dinner: select harvest soup, safeway french bread. Snacks/Other: baskin-robbins sugar free candy, cantaloupe, apple, peanut crunch bar, turkey jerky, live active cottage cheese, pineapple. more...
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2471 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 40 minutes, Exercise machine (moderate) - 10 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 30 minutes, Running (jogging) - 5/mph - 10 minutes, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 11 hours and 20 minutes, Desk Work - 2 hours, Sitting - 1 hour. more...
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