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Self, I hate you.
Why do you gorge right before a big event? Like seriously, just wait until after, when you DON’T have to fit into a tight dress that you wore when you were a junior in high school, because there are no dress shops where you live. Or try this, DON’T GORGE AT ALL. Like this morning, why did you eat an entire chocolate bar AND finish off the bag of spicy Doritos? There was definitely more than half the bag left, so you can’t use the: oh there’s only a couple of chips left, better finish them off so they don’t go bad, or better finish them off to make more space. I can kind of understand the banana, because it broke off when you were trying to take it off the hammock for tomorrow’s snack. I mean it’s not like YOU COULD HAVE FROZEN IT TO USE IT IN A SMOOTHIE…
I can’t complain to my fiancé he is an enabler. He just says, “Sweetie, I think you are beautiful no matter what. I thought you were beautiful when you were 30 lbs heavier and you’ll be beautiful even if you are 50 lbs heavier. I love you.” Cut that sh*t out! That, in my mind, gives me an excuse to gorge, because I can say, we’ll my fiancé will still love me. Horrible excuse, I know! It's not like I should even add him into this equation though, he’s not the one with food in his hands, IT’S ME.
I should lose weight for myself, not for someone else. I should lose weight to be healthy, not skinny. I know... But when will I be the proper weight? I mean I know I won’t weigh the same forever and weight fluctuates… When I’m 50 years old will I still weigh the same or will I let myself go? How much weight gain is too much weight gain?
Am I afraid people will not like me if I’m not “the skinny one?” If you take away my thin-ness, what else is remarkable about me? Nothing; I’ll just be dumb and fat and angry. Gaaah, I shouldn’t even be wasting my time thinking about these things or writing them down. In the time it took me to write this I could have done something productive, or learned something. Do I even have the capacity to learn? I’m pretty sure I am just a machine that works a 9-5 job so it can shovel waaaay too much food into its mouth. Talk about a waste of money…
::deep breath:: Okay, enough self-hate. I think I just needed to get that out there, because I can’t complain to anyone who knows me about my weight or over eating, because they’ll say, oh you can stand to gain a few pounds. Or oh, you gained 3 lbs in one day? You can’t tell. (Yes you can you liars!! Look how big my freaking stomach is today! Do I need to break out a tape measure?!? Is it me or is my stomach protruding past my breasts???) ::deep breath::
Maybe, I’m eating so much because I’m stressed? Bored? Self-deprecating? I’m ugly on the inside, so I’ll make myself ugly on the outside? I don’t even know. Whatever the case may be, the fact still remains that I shouldn’t be gorging. I’m pretty sure it's horrible for my body to get such a huge intake of bad food when I’m used to eating a certain way…
Aaaaaaand that’s enough ranting for today.
Diet Calendar Entries for 17 October 2013:
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3018 kcal
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Fat: 120.85g | Prot: 79.71g | Carb: 427.91g.
Breakfast: Bananas, Good 'n Natural Chocolate Bar, Optimum Nutrition Opti-Women, Schiff MegaRed, Spring Valley Glucosamine Chondroitin, Silk Pure Almond Milk - Unsweetened Original, Flush Free Niacin, Green Tea, Bob's Red Mill Old Country Style Muesli, Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili Tortilla Chips. Lunch: Jello, Quinoa & Black Beans, Carrot Kinpira, Trident Sugarless Gum with Xylitol, Roland Feng Shui Roasted Edamame, Sweet Potato. Dinner: Benita Small Flour Tortillas, Foster Farms Chicken Patties, T. Marzetti Chunky Blue Cheese Dressing. Snacks/Other: Hershey's Kit Kat (Snack Size), Snickers Snickers Bar (Fun Size), Wonka Chewy Runts, Blue Bunny Mini Swirls Caramel. more...
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1705 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 25 minutes, Desk Work - 7 hours and 30 minutes, Housework - 3 hours, Sleeping - 6 hours, Stretching (yoga) - 2 minutes, Sitting - 1 hour, Resting - 5 hours and 3 minutes. more...
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