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Still very down...
Most of you will notice that I am now "gaining 8 lbs a week".
I simply decided to weigh in this morning after drinking coffee, 64 oz of water, and eating hard boiled eggs and sausage...
very stupid move.
But I also cheated 5 days last week and wanted to light a fire under my booty to stick with my program.
That's why I recorded that...as a reminder that if I keep on doin what I'm doin, I will gain that weight back...
I have been back on my diet now for 3 days....don't really have any appetite due to being so down. I just don't even wanna eat.
I'm so sad that I'm sick to my stomach. I hurt for everyone in my family...looking at the beautiful children I'm raising just reminds me of how I was left behind. I'm trying my best to be the guardian I always dreamed of...
It usually brings me such great unexplainable JOY that I am doing what I can to break this vicious cycle, but now, I just hurt. I hurt for me, I hurt for my kids, I hurt for their biological mothers and fathers that are missing out on their first steps and tucking them in at night, I hurt for my mother who is missing out on such a loving and forgiving daughter...I hurt for my brother doing life in prison, I hurt for my stepmother who can't stop getting high. I hurt for my son, who died when I was 16...
I hurt. I simply hurt.
Diet Calendar Entry for 26 October 2008:
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319 kcal
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Fat: 23.90g | Prot: 20.66g | Carb: 1.80g.
Breakfast: sausage, Splenda, Coffee, Hard Boiled Eggs. more...
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 Comments
Blessings to you Reina -- You sound like you are a good mother. No one can change the past. Lots of people say they wouldn't and they're usually wealthy celebrities because who knows if one minute was changed maybe their life wouldn't be so fortunate and they know that fact. I would change a lot. We all can (to a limited degree) at least plan our futures sort of. My family is totally not here for me. My twin sister and aunt are - my mother talks to me but won't have me over - the rest of the family acts like I don't exist because I have had emotional problems when I was younger. But I never was arrested or anything but they act like I'm horrible. So if plans for me work out and I get money enough to move away I'm gone as I'm certain I'm getting no inheritance from either parent. One parent my older sister will give the money to all the kids and the other parent my younger sister will hoard it all for herself as she doesn't even talk to me. So I understand though I haven't been through anything like you have I wish you well - be good to your kids that is the best thing you can do and stay on the diet to feel better about yourself too!!! :)
27 Oct 08 by member: GlennM
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*hugs* Girl!! we are with you!
27 Oct 08 by member: Simavision
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you're in my prayers kiki...
27 Oct 08 by member: lorik
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Awe baby... it's okay. We're here. We LOVE ya! :) Chin up, ... dry them tears. Look at them beautiful babies and know how blessed you've been to have them dropped in your life! Know that they are blessed to have someone like you who CARES about and LOVES them. :) Sometimes when we are down, it's so very easy to see all the "negative", and not really see all of the wonderful blessings that we have to be grateful for, that so very much out weigh all of the negative! =D You're one tough cookie, and yet ya know what?? It's okay to cry once in a while and be sad, but you have to remember, you've got little ones looking up to you. .. .. looking for your love and strength!! :) You are doing great sista! Give yourself some credit and be proud of where you've come from and how far you gone. YOU WILL SUCCEED!! Go have a hot bath w/bubbles, candles and music. Get someone to give you a foot massage and pedi. One day at a time... you'll get there... you'll get down to being healthy, one day, one meal, one bite at a time! :) xoxo
27 Oct 08 by member: bullytrouble
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