Arleeah's Journal, 17 November 2012

Suspect I am HyperT. I was stable and happy around 53-54 for ages. Months. Eating what I liked, feeling okish about it. Of course never body happy, but no one ever is.
Last couple of weeks have been a bit stressful, food is, even subconsciously, the first thing to go. Introduced vitamin R, which has been great for me, not even as anything ED'd, but in it's genuine form. If I can get a balance with it and the neomercazole, I'll be home and hosed. I have realised I am more dysmorphic than I realise. The fact that I am pretty much down to an 8 now, and still think I can lose more, it's not good. I don't want to be sick, I just want to be thin. There is a difference. I just don't lose it where I want to. My face is the Ana face. Lying on the beach yesterday, my legs, up near my knees, are thin, but not my thighs. My stomach is still wide, and flabby... the pouch of rolls of excess skin which has lost its elasticity from all the weight I've lost from being morbidly obese, I am not going to be able to tone or lose... so I don't know what to do about that. It doesn't depress me, but it saddens me. The bones are beginning to appear. The chest bones, the ribs... the "angular" face, the knobbly knees. But the thighs won't go away, and the damn stomach. I need to tone,if only a thousand sit ups would make the flab go away but I know it won't. I wish my upper under arms wouldn't jiggle either. So I guess even as the numbers creep down, I am still not happy. And that, is perhaps, the living definition, of an eating disorder.
Even as my lover leaves, there is one who's arms I can always return to, one who will never leave me. And sadly, although I don't want to be sick, that is a truth I have known all along.
113.1 lb Lost so far: 16.1 lb.    Still to go: 5.1 lb.    Diet followed 100%.
on diet Arleeah's own diet   losing 0.3 lb a week


that is awesome Arleeah  
17 Nov 12 by member: DeeLarsen


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