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17 November 2012

Suspect I am HyperT. I was stable and happy around 53-54 for ages. Months. Eating what I liked, feeling okish about it. Of course never body happy, but no one ever is.
Last couple of weeks have been a bit stressful, food is, even subconsciously, the first thing to go. Introduced vitamin R, which has been great for me, not even as anything ED'd, but in it's genuine form. If I can get a balance with it and the neomercazole, I'll be home and hosed. I have realised I am more dysmorphic than I realise. The fact that I am pretty much down to an 8 now, and still think I can lose more, it's not good. I don't want to be sick, I just want to be thin. There is a difference. I just don't lose it where I want to. My face is the Ana face. Lying on the beach yesterday, my legs, up near my knees, are thin, but not my thighs. My stomach is still wide, and flabby... the pouch of rolls of excess skin which has lost its elasticity from all the weight I've lost from being morbidly obese, I am not going to be able to tone or lose... so I don't know what to do about that. It doesn't depress me, but it saddens me. The bones are beginning to appear. The chest bones, the ribs... the "angular" face, the knobbly knees. But the thighs won't go away, and the damn stomach. I need to tone,if only a thousand sit ups would make the flab go away but I know it won't. I wish my upper under arms wouldn't jiggle either. So I guess even as the numbers creep down, I am still not happy. And that, is perhaps, the living definition, of an eating disorder.
Even as my lover leaves, there is one who's arms I can always return to, one who will never leave me. And sadly, although I don't want to be sick, that is a truth I have known all along.
Weigh-in: 113.1 lb lost so far: 16.1 lb still to go: 5.1 lb Diet followed 100%
   (1 comment) on diet Arleeah's own diet   losing 0.3 lb a week

16 May 2012

Weigh-in: 121.0 lb lost so far: 8.2 lb still to go: 13.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Arleeah's own diet   losing 6.2 lb a week

14 May 2012

So I wrote that entry yesterday, came home, and binged straight for a good 35-40mins. Not so much sweets, but high carb. Bad move for me. And today we welcome another half kilo. I feel like I blimp. I can blame my period. I can blame the amount of Valium (and yeah I took probably 7.5mg yesterday, plus some stilnox) and it does make me more chilled - lib used to say it gave her the munches and I never noticed but when I was on it in the day I was on such a high dose that I probably didn't notice much. This time it's only 2mg here n there n it's just enough to relax inhibitions (self control) and yeah I feel like I've porked on two kilos in a few days. My instinct is to go downstairs and go on the treadmill now. I think I'm gonna revert back to my "eating plan" that I had in mind before I went psycho this weekend. Bel vitas and a cup of tea on skim for breakie, and salad for tea. I've bought low fat noodles and soup for my "low fat laksa" and theoretically it should still bring me in under 800-1000 a day. Just need to start watching it a bit and it'll drop off again. Think we have some of that fibre drink in the cupboard so I might chugg some of that ;) and maybe some of the kids choc paraffin. Naughty to lapse to old ways but I can't handle this weight and it doesn't call it a laxative, just a stool softener!
Weigh-in: 122.8 lb lost so far: 6.4 lb still to go: 14.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Arleeah's own diet   gaining 7.7 lb a week

13 May 2012

Weigh-in: 121.7 lb lost so far: 7.5 lb still to go: 13.7 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Arleeah's own diet   gaining 11.6 lb a week

11 May 2012

Weigh-in: 118.4 lb lost so far: 10.8 lb still to go: 10.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Arleeah's own diet   gaining 1.2 lb a week

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