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#3
I did some research last night to see what is making me feel this way about things.. I found out some pretty interesting stuff! It appears that my symptoms are changing as I get older. Some are way more intense then they ever were. Trying to cope with the more sever ones are becoming increasingly difficult. Perhaps it may be time to dig out my workbook and re-evalute myself from when I was first diagnosed. Although this could easily be used as an excuse for allowing myself to get out of control in other areas such as eating and lack of motivation. There is some dark part of my brain that keeps screaming at me to keep this all a secrete, I usually can around people. It's not the bipolar that I want to hide, it's the mood swings and the appearance of not being in control. I pride myself in fighting through these times and to show that I am struggling just seems wrong. I can not allow myself the false sense that people understand, nor that people accept me for who I am. No I am not my clinical diagnosis but somedays just like today I feel that I am..
On one side I have my boxing glove on and still want to fight, the other side has a white flag flapping to say that I surrender. Talk about being split.
Okay enough about the brain shit.. it is making the cells hurt :p
I want to sum up some occurances that happened yesterday.
Good ones: worked the full day
was given a beautiful top from a co-worker who I have nick named "momma" the blouse came from italy and is so soft and silky..
bad ones: my apartment door was kicked in, nothing was stolen because I have got absolutely nothing worth anything. The cops were called but all they said was if you hear anything suspicious call again, and contact your property management to have the door fixed.. and people wonder why my respect for the city police is none existant.
Yep that sums up the day yesterday...
Grateful for:
my mom and brother
my job that allows me to pay my bills
my buddies and their supportive comments
the internet that enables me to connect with my buddies
my blackberry
my ability to walk, talk, see & hear
finding information that makes thing easier to explain to the doctor
my medication that without it I would certainly be hospitalized right now.
the few people at work whom I can call friends, who care and try to understand what I am going through.
most importantly my spirit that does not give me the option of simply giving up.. and the guardians who silently guide me and keep me safe.
TGIF everyone.. sorry this entry was so winded and long..
Diet Calendar Entries for 26 October 2012:
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1421 kcal
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Fat: 48.24g | Prot: 45.81g | Carb: 210.10g.
Breakfast: Strawberry Jam, 12 Grain Bagels, No Calorie Sweetener (Packets), Coffee, White Sugar (Granulated or Lump), Lemon, Water, True Almond Vanilla. Lunch: Pears, Crunchy Granola Bar - Peanut Butter, Water, No Calorie Sweetener, Tea (Brewed), Imitation American Cheddar Cheese. Dinner: Margarine, No Calorie Sweetener (Packets), Herbal Tea, 100% Whole Wheat Bread, Vegetable Cocktail. Snacks/Other: Margarine, Herbal Tea, No Calorie Sweetener, Air Popped Popcorn. more...
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1787 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 1 hour, Desk Work - 8 hours, Resting - 7 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
What a day! I've been robbed 3 times myself and each time it threw me off my axis totally. As far as the brain stuff, just keep trying. I almost wonder if your meds need evaluating? Maybe not, but the body always is changing and hormones change with it- balances get shifted. Worth asking your doctor, perhaps. I like your grateful list today, by the way. TGIF to you, too! Hope you get to wear your new shirt somewhere nice this weekend!
26 Oct 12 by member: QuirkyNat
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Thanks Nat... I was also wondering if my meds need changing again too. However it is such a pain when they do that because it's back to the shrink who does not really listen to what you have to say just says take this and come back in 3 months. Besides that the doctor will not do shit until I have had certain symptoms for at least a month. :(
Thanks for commenting on my journal tho.. big hugz...
26 Oct 12 by member: pam-u-la
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I agree with Nat - every day brings new challenges and feelings and you always need to think about how you are reacting and dealing with stuff - for me I just keep surrounding myself in positive stuff and people - I call it the FIFO plan....Fit in or F*ck Off :) it works and keeps me sane :)
26 Oct 12 by member: triaby
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Pam~ I hate that type of shrink!! That's how I wound up in the hospital myself back in the day- here take this and whoops that made you more suicidal, oh well, not my fault. Jerk. Well, just be aware, keep journaling- you may notice the symptom patterns better that way. Do you have a way to see a therapist, too, or just the pill dispenser? & BIG HUGS! @Triaby- I like your FIFO plan, that's awesome!
26 Oct 12 by member: QuirkyNat
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@ Nat : I do not hold a hole lot of faith in the medical professionals right now. the last therapist that I say I constantly had the feeling that what i was saying was boring her. would you believe that she actually fell asleep during one of our sessions! after that I refused to go see her again. :(
@ T -- I like your plan, and you guys are the most positive influences I have right now.
Sorry if I sound so negative and insecure :(
26 Oct 12 by member: pam-u-la
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Hi Pam, sorry to hear about getting robbed! When things like that have happened to me in the past I have been disappointed with the police, too. Do you have the means or insurance to afford therapy? Not a lot of people know that there are proven methods of therapy for bipolar that you can use along with your medication. There may not be any therapists who do this in your area but more and more therapists are using skype these days. Hope today is better! hugs, Cindy
26 Oct 12 by member: cindylynnwho
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@Pam, yeah I hear you. I'd have screamed at my therapist if she'd done that to me. There is good reason why I'm not on meds anymore at all. I don't like feeling like crap, but my trust issues trump the bad feelings. However, don't give up, and certainly don't apologize about sounding negative or insecure, you're just like the rest of us trying to figure things out, is all. Hugs & hang in there!
26 Oct 12 by member: QuirkyNat
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You are in my thoughts sugar pie! I mentioned to you before that I finally found an enthusiastic experienced therapist. She was amazing. Keep trying because it isn't fair that you do this alone. Find a good one to talk to. The good ones also know a lot about the right medications too.
26 Oct 12 by member: Neptunebch
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Yeah I agree with Nat - we all have this in us, you just have to keep trying to find what fits into your life to make you feel more complete and happy. I've had some sh*t experiences with so called "professionals" before too - I remember the absolute look of horror and disgust a doctor once gave me when I burst into tears in front of her and another "shrink" who told me that it was not normal for a woman to feel the emotion anger....let's just say by the time I lent across the desk and told him where to shove his mickey mouse degree, he actually witnessed a woman's anger lol!!!
26 Oct 12 by member: triaby
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Thank you everyone. Your acceptance of all of this is overwhelming. You have given me several ideas and suggestions that I will look into.
However I was thinking that although I may not have a "therapist", I do have something better and that would be all of you.. you are all amazing and I am blessed to have you all in my life.
26 Oct 12 by member: pam-u-la
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