peeperjj's Journal, 21 June 2018

U can eat out* every single day**** 

First off he and the kids say it isn’t fair. My cancer affecting them wasn’t fair. My oldest having her 11th bday party early so it could be done a couple weeks before chemo wasn’t fair. Me making chicken fajitas, which they loved twice a month before my diet, it’s fair. Me taking 90% of the junk food out of the house and replacing it with fruits and veggies.. isn’t fair. I hear this several times a week. I even make a meal for myself and one for them usually. I’m just trying to have some healthier foods at meal times like adding steamed broccoli which they like but now say isn’t fair. With grocery prices soaring I’ve ised that as an excuse to limit chips. They were going through 3-4 family or party size bags a week! Now they get 2. Hubby eats gas station junk 3-4 days a eeek and tells us how he takes clients out to eat and the kids don’t understand why he can eat unhealthy foods a lot and they can’t. They do at school, friends houses, 1 junky snack per day and any carbs they want.  

The kids know all about cancer and risk. The oldest two (12&9) watched my parents waste away from it and the 9yo was a huge help through my chemo. I always act like it’s not a huge deal as long as we try to be healthy, get testing and surveillance and have a plan on how to deal if it comes back. They know I’ll fight because even if I don’t want to they need me to although the 12 yo will tell you she would be perfectly fine without me. Yeah I know what you are thinking. 50 years ago I’d have been within my rights to tan her behind for comments like those. But that’s 12 yr olds these days I guess. Hubby was no support saying when I felt like crap I looked at him with hatred in my eyes so now he treats me accordingly lol. Again I know what you are thinking. I am in counseling. Have been for about a year now with this counselor. He went to Ken with me and refuses to go back. Same with my oldest. We are going to have a serious talk this weekend. Either he starts being nice and supporting my efforts or the kids and I will find somewhere to go until he decides to be my partner. Counselor says not to leave him but threatening that is the only thing that wakes him up. For like 4 weeks. He even told the kids tonight that all I do is slee all day and play games all night. His family treats me the same.  

I don’t admit this to anyone other than one friend and my counselor Kathy. If I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t be here. I’m a responsible gun owner, have plenty of knives and tons of pain meds that interact badly with my antidepressant. But my kids keep me from going that route. And the fact that I believe I’ll see my parents again one day. Suicide means I won’t see them in the afterlife and my kids would always wonder why they weren’t enough. So I eat. Before chemo(I always think of my life as before and after chemo now) I’d get so upset that eating would make me physically ill. Now if I’m too hungry I get sick. I smoke to keep from gorging on everything in sight. I’d drink but with a family of alcoholics I have seen how that tears apart a family. Pain is soothing to me now. Physical pain overcomes emotional pain. I’m hoping the trainer will get me on track and I can use lifting weights as I means to let it out. We will see I guess. I’m tired of empty threats of leaving, ‘taks’ That change attitudes for a few days and being made to feel like being healthier is a bad thing. I’ve started avoiding lunch with them as it’s always something and that way I can eat a sandwich without the constant fighting between kids or someone telling me something isn’t fair. It wasn’t ‘fair’ that I got cancer but it’s life. Hubby and the oldest should understand this. My middle and 3yo understand better than the other two :/.  

What they are doing is normal n typical behavior, when u never set rules or boundaries than all of the sudden u want to change things people are going to react. (Behaviors always gets worsen) I would not try to change them now. I would start by changing myself I’m my issue. (Yes they are ur issue, but u can’t help them if u can’t help ur self first) My husband falls sleep 2-3 nights a week with a bag of potato chips by his side. I am surrounded by candy, all types of candy n treats 🍭 24 hrs a day. I have to have candy because my son who has autism (4 yr old) mostly only does housework/homework if his reward is candy. IF U CARE N WANT TO MAKE CHANGES. Start by changing u, don’t change others. buy them what they want, Cook them all they want. N u do not eat it, learn self control. u cook ur own food, I cook my meal separately n I work 6+ hrs a day.  

N yes ur kids need u never ever forget that no one will love them n care for them like u do 

I was cooking 4-6 meals a day. Hubby says I spent 1500 in groceries last month and wants that under 1000 for all food, household items and cat/dog food and litter. Not buying so much pop, candy and snack cakes is the only way I can cut back really. And no I don’t believe we spent that much it’s just something else for him to complaint about that I did ‘wrong’. The rule has always been ONE snack cake for breakfast as their treat and ONE junky item after school and that’s it. Then my oldest decided she didn’t have to listen anymore. I didn’t have the energy to constantly fight with her and hubby couldn’t be bothered. 4 months of chemo was all it took for her to decide she doesn’t have to follow our rules. He agrees with her mostly. If they want junk he has a truck and can take himself to the store to buy it. I have willpower and resist. My snickers has set in my candy basket for weeks and I didn’t eat it until today as a reward for doing so well with my choices. I considered Pizza but one snickers is better than 3-4 pieces of pizza lol. I AM changing myself. I’ve been trying for over a year with no support. He realized I was serious when I downloaded this app. He was fine eating healthier foods for that year but not now. NOW he decides he can’t eat out without me even though last winter he ate out 4-5 times a week while I stayed home and cooked for the kids.  

I should point out that my kids play ball and a coach has told the oldest to get in shape and eat healthier. She agreed until I started chemo. She agreed again when they talked this last year and now she’s decided we are ganging up on her to make her and her father miserable. She still eats consession food at every game and track meet. They have chips, pop tarts, candy and chocolate but I’ve cut the amount in half. 6 boxes of snack cakes a month instead of 3 per week. Flavored water that they choose themselves. That wasn’t my idea as I also buy lemonade mix and the like. I just can’t please them right now so I’m going to please myself. I deserve to have things my way for a bit. At this point it’s change something or become a drunk lol. My emotional stability can’t handle the lack of support and down right sabotaging hubby does sometimes (adds cheese to a meal and tells me afterward or says things like I’m lazy and doesn’t know why I bother). I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this issue to FS. I’ll keep it between me and Kathy from here on out ;).  

I'm no doctor but isn't it recommended to have a maintenance diet while your body is attempting to heal itself? I know it's so for injuries so I figured it would be similar in your situation. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I wish you well! 

Yes maintenance for a while is best  

Than the issue Is not self control is the $, that’s a different topic 

Peeperjj I’m on site cause I have 0 support at home regarding my lifestyle change. we support each other here, most of us are in the same boat  

I’m sorry too, just don’t give up on urself im not even talking about the diet, overall don’t give up on ur self