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Just weighed myself now, after 1/2 Pepsi and my first cup ☕️ of coffee w cream. Going for my 2nd cup now. I always forget to weigh myself when I first wake up. I'm wearing a big, bulky UnderArmor hoodie, that has to weigh like 20 lbs, right? 😂
I never deduct anything from my weight for my clothing.
I've concluded that I need someone to lock 🔐 me up in a room full of mirrors, starve me, well of course give me water so I don't die. Maybe coffee to stave off migraines and force me to exercise. Wait, after re-reading that sounds creepy & illegal but I just have no willpower on my own. I cut up celery last week, put in large plastic bag in the front of the fridge so it'd be convenient and accessible. What did I eat instead of the celery that would have been just as easy to grab.....Pringles! 🙁 Now the celery is getting mushy and brownish so it's getting thrown out. So wasteful.
I was craving salt. Celery used to help tame salt cravings but I just didn't give it a chance.
Still having my caffeine trifecta as soon as I wake up. I have insomnia, never sleep well, never feel refreshed and well rested. I think my lack of sleep has also contributed to my weight gain. When I was younger and didn't sleep well, i had difficulty putting on weight! Why the change? I actually fear and dread getting on scale now and it used to be no big deal. I see my counselor tomorrow. In my real, day to day life, I don't feel as if I'm ever safe enough to be my real self. If I were, I wouldn't be a very nice person. I seldom raise my voice, I'm so timid. That's not really me though. I'm pretty much a self centered bitch. 😔 I resent doing things for other people and having responsibilities. Though to be honest, I don't have that many compared to some people. I have no issue caring for my mean, beautiful cat. She's the love of my life, not my "fiancé". My children are distant and bitter. I cannot blame them. I'm a failure as a Mother. I'm never going to have the kind of life I truly desire. My fault, I f'd up. Usually journaling is cathartic to me, I'm just in a low mood. Sigh. If I weren't in debt, I'd go get my hair and nails done 💅🏻 today! 🙂
I just want someone to listen to classic rock with, go for walks, and enjoy nature with. My fiancé is not in anyway a "bad" person, I respect him. He's very hardworking. We just have little in common anymore. He works a lot and that's fine, I know that's just him but he doesn't really even know me. I once had a friend in my life whom I didn't treat as well as I should have. I cherished our friendship but didn't realize how much until we're no longer in contact. 😔It was not at all a romantic relationship, well, I didn't have those feelings. He was 27-28 years older than me. I've recently learned he has advanced prostate cancer.
He was actually my best friend. He made me laugh. He thought I was adorable! 😊He was kind to my children. He was so thoughtful and considerate. We walked and went to parks. We went shopping. He listened to me. We went on road trips. We watched movies together. He deserved better than how poorly I treated him. He was a Vietnam veteran, like my Father. I've just been thinking of him a lot lately. Tomorrow is his birthday and I'm going to text him Happy Birthday. My fiancé is the one who insisted I cut off my friendship. People would tease me that this friend was my "sugar Daddy". Not so! Sometimes he would buy dinner for my children and I. Sometimes gifts but often I would make dinners or we'd just walk on the nature trails or just talk. It's nice to have someone who genuinely cares how you feel. I miss that. 😔
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149.9 lb
Lost so far: 2.1 lb.
Still to go: 24.9 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 01 May 2017:
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2086 kcal
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Fat: 104.44g | Prot: 52.54g | Carb: 245.30g.
Breakfast: Pepsi Pepsi (Can), Ghirardelli Sea Salt Soiree Dark Chocolate, Coffee with Cream. Dinner: Wendy's Dr Pepper (Small), Culver's Breaded Onion Rings, Culver's Original ButterBurger (Double). Snacks/Other: Haagen-Dazs Coffee Ice Cream. more...
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losing 0.7 lb a week
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