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I'm lacking motivation at the moment. I will have to find some and post a little later today about motivation and sore thighs due to my overly excited squat challenge/progress. For now I need to think outloud... Warning.. this isn't all that funny.
A couple months ago I discovered cash missing from the kids change jar. For the most part it's all pocket change that gets turned in at xmas time We had taken cans to the can return and I got about $15 so I just stuck it in the change jar.. which is actually a gallon glass milk jug with an inch opening on top so it isn't easy to get back out. This is exactly why I stuck it in there. Well it came up missing when the preteen went to her friends house. She tried to claim she only stole $1 when she was caught but she is the only person who could have taken it. So.. strike #1. Grounded for 2 weeks, no electronics, no friends, no phone, etc. Plus she got a talk about trust, how its wrong to steal from your own freaking family, she should have asked if it was something important I would have given her money she didn't have to steal.
Monday I couldn't find $10 from my purse. My daughter asked me for $10 for a jump for heart thing at school but I already donated so I said no more. But she was only $10 short of reaching the next goal. She could get another plastic duckie! Yes.. the prizes for each level is a plastic freaking duck. She already raised $75. I told her she did a great job to be happy with what she already raised. I didn't accuse her of stealing. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Lord knows I could have spent it and not remembered it. Half the time I don't know where my head is. So I casually said. I think I lost $10 have you seen it? She said no.
Today I get a call from her teacher. She just wanted to confirm that I had given my daughter a $100 dollar bill for the jump for heart. The preteen claimed it was her birthday money. Um no.. she spent her birthday money on glitter leggings and ear rings. She has no birthday money and she never had that much money to begin with. The only place she could have gotten it is from my husband. Who I know never gave her $100 for a freaking jump for heart. My daughter is a theif. It breaks my heart. I thought I was a better mother than that. I thought I taught her to be respectful, considerate, honest, and to NOT steal. Apparently the first conversation and consequences not too long ago just didn't matter. She wanted her rubber ducky and she was going to get it regardless of the consequences. Add to it this is her stepdad and their relationship isn't super tight as it is. She's has messed up. ROYALLY.
So what do I do? She's 11. I've taken away the Ipod, Kindlefire, phone, computer, heck her tv, there won't be any more sleepovers, she will get extra barn chores, I will talk till I'm blue in the face and she sits there with a blank look on her face.. None of it did anything last time. Is there something I'm missing here? How do you teach your kid they can't just take things they want when they know its wrong? Everyone says.. well just take everything away from them. How does that teach them? Sure there are consequences but there has always been consequences in our house. Heck its part of the blue in the face speech that I get the blank stare for. Apparently she needs a moment of enlightenment. How do you give an 11 yr old a moment of enlightenment?
Also for the record.. I'm not just falling off the deep end for a couple isolated incidents. She does this with other things that I wouldn't consider a big deal like asking for a donut then eating 4 or using up all the tape and lying about doing it.. its stupid crap but add this too it and it is a big deal.
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 Comments
Parents have to assume that kids are going to tell them lies, because they’re immature and they don’t understand how hurtful these things are. They’re also drawn towards excitement, and their parents aren’t. It’s not like the good kids aren’t drawn to excitement and risk, and the bad kids are. It’s not that the good kids don’t lie and the bad kids do lie. They’re all drawn to excitement, and they’ll all have a tendency to distort the truth because they’re kids.
I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re going too fast, he gives you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. She didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.
The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, she’ll recall how uncomfortable she was when she did the consequence for lying, and she’ll tell you the truth instead.
The consequence should be about the lying. If there’s a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately. If you come home later than your curfew and you tell me the truth, you may still lose going out Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you lose both.
Parents should not get into the morality of it. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it’s hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences
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As the mother of an 11 year old boy, I am very familiar with the blank look when you are trying to impart some wisdom. I am not sure how to give enlightenment, but the thing that sprang to mind was make her work until she earns that $100 to pay back what she took. Has she had to formally apologize for what she took? That can be a humbling experience. It is so hard when the consequences you give them seem to have no effect. I hope things get easier with her.
02 Apr 15 by member: izzypup68
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Sorry to hear this. We had a similar thing happen with my little brother. He stole 75! And my mother took ALL electronics including TV. He could not see friends for sometime. And if he wanted to have anything materialistic. He had to work and make his own money to see how hard it is to earn that money! But he lost trust big time. He was not happy and had a bad attitude.for a while. Good luck hope things get better!
02 Apr 15 by member: Snow White 85
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Well....I had the same issues with my two now adult daughters. Mostly because of their crappy relationship with their father( they were always trying to get attention). I did all the "right" parental things, grounding, taking away privileges, Making them get jobs to learn responsibility, spending special time with just them. One of them "got" it and is a super responsible adult now. The other is a train wreck. Ultimately you do what you think is right and try to limit the havoc in your family and hope they turn out OK. But in the end they make their own choices. It sucks but it is what it is. Just keep telling her you love her no matter what and keep showing her the right way to behave.
02 Apr 15 by member: nicholaix
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I agree with the above posts. She needs to apologize to the teacher & your husband, and work off the $100 dollars. The change jar and maybe your purse needs to be locked away to kill the temptation. She had an adrenaline rush the first time and now she is chasing it. Each kids is different, so you are right that maybe taking away her stuff does not matter to her. I know that when we caught my step-daughter lying to us, my husband removed her bedroom door. Privacy was what she valued most (especially when she had friends over). We made her write out a contract in her own words of what we expected of her and made her sign it as "proof". We wanted to know that she understood future consequences of lying to us. She was about 11. It did work for a few years, until some family drama destroyed our relationship. She is 20 now and we are back on track.
02 Apr 15 by member: jessabridge4444
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My first impression is she probably learned it from someone/somewhere else. I’ll tell you my experience with this, because when I was 11, I was a little thief as well. I’m not proud of what I did, but I remember a few things that may help. I actually learned it from a maid we had when I was a kid. We're not rich by the way, maid are more like extra hand/help around the house. It've very common in the Philippines, even for the middle/working class. She used to steal from my grandpa, who stays in our house from time to time. I learned it from her and started stealing little things from him as well. She eventually got discovered and was fired. I carried that idea though even after she left. Growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money for leisurely things, but definitely more than other people. But I know that the reason my mom restricts on buying us everything we want is so that we’d learn about money and the value of it. We even get pretty generous allowances, but being a kid of course I didn’t want to listen. It’s just sometimes there’s things I really wanted (not needed), but don’t have the money for it or I know my mom won’t get it from me. I think it really struck me when I almost got caught by someone else, and not my mom. That’s when I really realize that there are consequences to my actions. Let me tell you I was a pretty good kid growing up. I was an A+ student, respectful, and responsible - even shy. My mom thought me well, especially with the value of money and working hard to earn what you have. But it didn’t matter when I was younger. When you’re a kid the future is not really something you think about, you just do what you want without really thinking about the consequence. Maybe just try to have a real genuine talk with her. My mom and dad talked with me about her life growing up; she had so much less than what I have. I hated hearing that before, thinking that didn’t affect me, but now I carry it with me. I’m so proud of them for everything they’ve accomplished and try to apply everything I learn from then to my daily actions.
02 Apr 15 by member: ronnae15
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I agree with the other posts....as a former elementary principal, I have had many opportunities for blank stares and "enlightment talks." Your daughter needs to know that for every action that there are either consequences or rewards and they have nothing to do with love or family. I used to explain to children that while I loved them to pieces that I did not like their behavior at that moment. Perhaps your daughter could help write the rules of behavior for your household and also the consequences for breaking the rules. When they have an opportunity to "buy in" to the program, they also feel some responsibility for it. I think that having to earn $100 is an excellent lesson in the value of money.... I don't know if you could find a "ducky" at a variety store or not...but it would be interesting for her to see that the 50 cent plastic ducky just cost her $100. You are in my thoughts. It is not easy to be a parent and at times we often wonder what happened to that precious little bundle of pink or blue that we brought home from the hospital.
02 Apr 15 by member: 2227Gwen
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Ahhh I remember being a kid. Oh those were the days. It takes time, she will grow, get a job and soon to see it isn't easy to make that money. When we are kids we didn't understand working and how money is made. And that sometimes jobs SUCK and to make money you have to have that crappy job. I think you are doing fine. I did something similar as a child as well. My parent's were upset. I learned my lesson. When I was 16 I got my first weekend job and learned that I am picky with my own money. Then you look back and realize money isn't easily made. Then you get picky on what you spend it on because it was hard earned. Have your daughter do extra work around the house. Or take a weekend from seeing friends to work around the house. She will start to realize that money isn't just given. It is earned. Don't be worried, she isn't a thief. she is a kid, I have done similar things and learned. Its about growing up. Plus my sister has done a lot worse at your daughter's age.
02 Apr 15 by member: Panigale1199
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First, I would make her work off the money. Kids at that age (I have a 10 yr old)tend to be very "in the moment" so if you punish them for weeks/months at a time, it loses meaning. I would hit her somewhere important, take away something that has meaning. On the other side of the coin, I would consider why she's doing this. In a household where she's obviously been taught right from wrong, is there some reason she's attention seeking? Wants more time with parents even if it's in a negative way? Does she feel other kids get more of your time? Just an example of why a child might act out. Good luck!
02 Apr 15 by member: dreamingangel
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My daughter went through that phase from 11-14 yrs of age. She actually shoplifted in two different stores...stupid crap like socks and makeup. I grounded her from everything for months. She eventually grew out of it and is a wonderful 16 yr old now. There is hope at the end of the tunnel. Don't beat yourself up. This isn't about your parenting.
02 Apr 15 by member: 2ManyCurves
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I use to discipline my children by taking things away too. Never seemed to make a difference. Then we had a real problem with my 12 year old and had to go to counseling. We were told that we needed to use a reward system. We set up 3 different rewards tiers. We asked our son what he truly wanted. At the time he wanted to play Ice Hockey which we felt that we couldn't afford. So we agreed if he changed his behavior for 1 year we would agree to pay for him to play hockey. Then we set a 6 month reward, which at the time was to learn extreme skating. Again the behavior had to change. We also set a 1 month reward, but I am afraid that I do not remember what it was. Needless to say, when the year was up and he was entitled to Ice Hockey, he broke his arm extreme skating. He was so upset because the doctor said no Ice hockey for 1 year. Let me tell you we guarantee the Ice Hockey for the following year and let him play Roller Hockey (less contact that the dr approved) for the year while waiting. Life became such a pleasure with him. I am a firm believer in the reward system.
02 Apr 15 by member: Ellyn54
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I can see where she may feel a need to act up to get noticed. She has two small brothers that require attention 24/7 or disaster happens. I even planned a just me and her day for tomorrow. The boys were going to go to the sitter and she was going to go shopping with me and then probably out to one of her favorite restaurants for lunch. That won't happen now. Now I just wish I had told her before this instead of wanting it to be a surprise/cover my butt and only tell her at the last minute in case something came up.
02 Apr 15 by member: Ms Elizabeth
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I'd still spend the day with her but do something that needs to be done around the house or something 'not special'. It may give her a chance to talk about whats bothering her and it will give you a chance to separate the I love you from the punishments. Jus sayin.
02 Apr 15 by member: nicholaix
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I think we've all gone through similar things will our kids. It sounds like you're handling it, it's just getting it all to sink in. My kids have always been told that if they lie they get in trouble not only for the action, but also the lie and we've been lucky that they will usually tell us the truth, or at least enough of it for us to believe it. If our kids do something and we ask them about it and they tell us the truth right away they get in trouble for whatever they did (the tape thing is common with my kids), but not as much as if they lie, and we always catch them in it, then they get in huge trouble. We take away electronics, TV, time with friends, and snacks. I'm sure part of the problem is the attention, but part of it is just being a kid and wanting to do stuff, and competing with other kids. If her friends take money to go shopping and she doesn't have any, she wants money too, or if someone else has $100 for the jump for hearts, she wants that too. The bad thing about the fundraising is that they make it so competitive and the kids all want those stupid prizes. Why can't it just be fundraising for a good cause? I hope it sinks in for your daughter, it may just take some time.
02 Apr 15 by member: mars2kids
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Speaking from experience, my parents made me earn back their trust. I stole from them a couple of times and like you they took away all privileges. For a week or two I was confined to the house. I had to earn a trip to a friends by doing extra chores during those weeks. Also, I was given a "curfew". I had to be home after school by a certain time, I was only allowed two hours at friends, etc. There was a time limit on everything until I earned back their trust. For me it was frustrating and I argued with my parents but looking back it was a learning experience. You are doing the right thing!When your child graduates from doing the chores without being told and there are no more instances of behavior slip ups then she should be rewarded with a new level of trust that is still slightly restricted. If there is a slip up, bump her back down a level, eventually she will understand the cause and effect of the actions. If it continues, show her real life examples of her actions. People get reprimanded or sent to jail all the time for stealing. Just enforce that this isn't who she is meant to be!
02 Apr 15 by member: Carlene25
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I like Izzypup68's suggestion of working off the $100. At minimum wage per hour that could be a long lesson and may stick. Jessa444's contract is a good idea too. "Privacy" is a big deal to teens so it may make an impression to lose some of that while she is around things that are not hers.
It's really nice to see the positive approaches you all are suggesting.
My son is 18 and over the years I haven't had stealing or rebellion issues as much as lying. His penchant for coming up with outlandish stories is beyond words and after being caught and made to correct himself in front of a teacher or god-forbid a peer, he is either a more adept liar or learned his lesson. As of now I'm going with learned his lesson, but if not the consequences will be his the next time it blows up on him.
02 Apr 15 by member: Lucy1771
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Tough and great advice from everyone, so I'll throw my two cents in. Do you have any friends who are cops, sheriffs, have them come out cuff her up and put her in the back of the car and take her away for a few hours, I know it sounds mean and harsh, but it is impact of the situation. Then you can tell her trust is given is easily but once lost, it is incredibly hard to get back. I know this for a fact.
02 Apr 15 by member: Rockiesfan
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Sorry, I am come from the school of hard knocks, you need to be firm, swift and fair none of this everybody gets a trophy kind of stuff.
02 Apr 15 by member: Rockiesfan
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Lots of great ideas here on the heart issue and loss of trust. I personally would have my kid volunteer at a soup kitchen for a period of time to understand how blessed she is - and the value of a $5 meal. I would also point out that The American Heart Association spend 22% of every dollar on expenses - none of that money will go toward their program and research. So of her stolen $100...that extra duckie had a cost of $22.00. (charitynavigator.com) I know how hard the schools push the kids on these types of fund raisers but she has to flip her thinking from "what do I get" - to "what will my donations do"....it's a life lesson for sure.
03 Apr 15 by member: KiminNJ
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Public humiliation worked for me. I took something and got caught. I had to hand it back in front of a lot of people and apologize. Boy I certainly didn't want that to happen again. I wished the ground would just open up and swallow me. Naturally I hated my parents for a while but it did teach me a lesson!!!
08 Apr 15 by member: schmetterling34
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