Annabelle3117's Journal, 09 February 2015

Good morning fatsecret buddies. Long time no journal :). It's been a stressful month so far. I've been dealing with a lot of severe anxiety, and it has taken its toll in all ways.

Clinicals are killing me, but I think I'm getting better. Two weeks ago I left clinicals with a lot of anxiety because I felt like I was struggling to remember basic things, but in all reality it was just my anxiety causing self doubt. This past weekend I feel like I did a lot better with nursing skills, recording intakes and outputs, bed baths, foley care, I even did an extra shower for a patient that wasn't mine. I got to do a dressing change and a catheterization. I feel like I did really well.

My patient, however, was very frustrated with me on Saturday and that hit me hard. This particular patient was recovering from a stroke. Conversation was confused, patient seemed disoriented. I think the cognitive ability was there, but they were unable to relay the right words to the mouth. When I was doing my assessment the pt. was very short with me, and body language clearly depicted frustration. I figure this is because I was asking things that pt. couldn't do, or wasn't able to properly respond to, and that would piss me off too. I didn't know at the time what pt's limitations were, that info was never given to me at the beginning of my shift, so it wasn't really my fault but it was incredibly hard for me to not take this personally. I told everyone who would listen to me about it, fellow students, my instructor. And of course everyone said to remember to not take it personally because chances are it wasn't personal. Patients are frustrated at there situation. I went home Saturday and cried, and cried, and cried some more. I told my husband that I just wasn't cut out for this and that I wanted to quit nursing school entirely. My anxiety was so bad, I could barely breathe. I didn't want to go Sunday and face the same pt. who had seemed to hate me the day prior... but I did.

It was better. I actually got a couple smiles out of the pt. and even a thank you. I noticed an empty can of diet pepsi on the nightstand and asked the pt. if they would like another. Pt said yes, which frankly was their answer to almost every question. I got them one, and when I returned I got a thank you and a smile. It was a rewarding moment. I didn't bother pt. with assessment questions that I knew they were incapable of, and all around it was a much better day. I learned some valuable lessons. First and foremost, always ask nurse about the patients level of consciousness. I couldn't have known what I was walking in to, and it resulted in frustration for the patient, and feelings of incompetence for me. Noticing the empty diet pepsi on the nightstand gave me a clue to what the pt. liked. They couldn't ask me for it, I can only imagine the frustration involved with not being able to properly communicate, when two weeks prior the patient was perfectly normal. I learned first hand the frustration and pain a stroke can bring on a person, and that person's spouse. It was terrible. It hurt to see the patient struggle to be as independent as possible, which was obviously extremely important to them, and then to see them break down in tears when there spouse got there. I also learned not to take things personally, which is going to take some time to get used to. That person may be the focal point of my day, but I am certainly not the focal point of theres. I'm proud of myself for going back and sticking it out, but I still have some lingering anxiety today.

All in all I do think I am doing much better with my nursing skills, gaining confidence and professionalism. We got our midterm grade yesterday in post conference and my instructor wrote "Yolanda is always willing to learn and perform new tasks. She is gaining confidence and shows a lot of compassion in her interaction with patients". I'm glad she thinks so, those words meant a lot to me.

I can't wait to be a nurse. Right now as students we are doing a lot of Nurse aide work, helping patients to the restroom, personal care, bathing etc. As students some patients (and other nurses) treat us like we are stupid. Nurses are respected. They go in, do there nurse business, implement care plans etc. I think in our next round of clinicals we will be focusing primarily on nursing skills, less on nurse aid skills. Sticking it out, only one more weekend of this set of clinicals. Almost done :)

Needless to say in the midst of my anxiety proper eating and exercise have been moved to the back burner. Hoping to put away the stress of this past weekend and get back to a good place in all areas of my life. Now that I've written this all out hopefully I can file it out of my mind.

Hope all is well with my buddies. :)