FullaBella's Journal, 15 December 2014

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Monday - December 15th. The countdown begins.

*8 days to Hot Springs. Blondie found a dog sitter. Asking all of my friends to keep their fingers and toes crossed that we get out of Dodge without anymore roadblocks - virtual OR real.
*10 days to Christmas
*16 days left of this year. Wow. Where DID it go?

Food and health: about the same. Good days, some progress, but no perfection. No ‘ugly’ episodes (I consider a binge ugly.. ) although I temporarily jumped off the ‘no cheese’ wagon yesterday when I truly enjoyed that enchilada. I think it’s been about 6 years since I had one.. so I should be good until about.. oh… 2021? So I’m going to continue to try to make more good choices than bad and keep the portions reasonable as we proceed with the endless food banquet that accompanies this time of year.

Activity: on my feet standing and walking about 20 hours this weekend working on the Money Pit painting furniture, staging rooms and hanging pictures, etc. It’s really coming together and I am feeling a great sense of pride in it in ways that I didn’t in the past. Another 8-10 hours of cleaning my own house (wow.. the past couple of months of depression really took it’s toll on my ambition) plus planting some pansies and white peacocks in my pitiful little ‘Winter Church’.

I’m really starting to examine the cycle of these depressions and I can’t imagine how bad things would get without the antidepressant I have been taking for about 18 months. For me to slog thru the days and not even make my bed.. that’s bad. And I am aware that the decline of eating for my health seemed to follow my ‘slovenly ways’. It is surely a ‘chicken or the egg’ thing .. the depression leading to bad eating and vice versa.

As I wrote that, I was thinking of the seven deadly sin ‘sloth’ and looked for the actual definition. Intriguing (to me anyway) that it is explained as:

Sloth is defined as spiritual or emotional apathy,... being physically and emotionally inactive… outright refusal or merely a carelessness in the performance of one's obligations, especially spiritual, moral or legal obligations.

I’m lost in through wrapping my mind around the retroactive interpretation as I apply that definition to my life the past couple of months. Sloth feels like depression to me. Maybe it’s something else?

Saturday I had a long conversation with a Physician’s Assistant who may possibly lease a section of the Pit to open their own practice. Between the yoga and PA I think the location concept is morphing from ‘Bella’s Hippie Hangout” to ‘The Healing Center’. My mind has been racing with ideas of a few kiosks throughout the open spaces for organics, oils, spices. Maybe books with healthy recipes, mindful eating, etc., for those who aren’t Ereaders just yet. Then again, to follow the techno world, brochures with weblinks.

Activity Two: I caught a good deal on a two wheel bicycle at the auction Saturday night. I got it for times when I want to go (every so often) without Mushy but … turns out.. I’m a huge clumsy chicken when I’m sober. I jumped on that stranger’s bike down in San Antonio and rode away without a second thought but I’d had two margaritas. I called BCF and told her she may need to bring me some Jose Cuervo courage. I can’t get both feet off the ground at the same time without crashing into walls… and now I’m.. well, gonna have to figure it out. But I tried. That says something.

So, onward toward a new day. Wishing you all much peace and happiness in your world.

Bella

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Comments

Symptoms of depression are similar to the descriptive terms of the definition of sloth, but depression is a real medical illness. It can't be a sin any more than cancer could be. The last thing someone who is depressed needs is to add 'mortal sinner' to the long list of negative feelings they have about themselves. That's just my opinion, but I would argue it at the pearly gates until the cows came home. You read well, Bella, and sounds like you're getting to a good place. This makes me happy :)

15 Dec 14 by member: Annabelle3117

I'm happy that you're able to take something for your depression. Your Hippie Hangout sounds amazing. You may have found a new lease (technically) on life being surrounded with the things that will help yourself and others with the burdens of life.

15 Dec 14 by member: ClassicRocker

Bella, you continue to inspire me. The sloth comes from the depression. And that danged depression is such a devil, a dark demon that steals joy. I know this from my own journey with that demon dogging my steps. Actually making yourself keep busy is very helpful with kepping the demon behind you instead of in front of you blocking your way. Keep on doing, dear Bella. We are all here for you! Onward!

15 Dec 14 by member: kclab

Bells, got the PM reply. Hugs. I need to go back a bit and find out what you are doing for the holidays. Holding you in my heart and hoping that you survive the season and even enjoy parts of it.

15 Dec 14 by member: sarahsmum

Wish I could donate some of the mania from my bipolarity to alleviate your depression, but sadly, it doesn't work that way.

15 Dec 14 by member: ChrisComedy

Yolanda - in no way did I mean to imply I felt depression was a sin and I know whether it's today or from the beginning of time God knows the difference. I connected with that tangent because while I knew sloth was one of the 7 I thought it mean 'unkempt, sloppy, unclean' - and almost used it in reference to myself. But when I read the definition I thought 'this is how I've felt but I don't feel it was voluntary - the apathy, etc.' It's still jumbled in my head but please know I DO realize it's an illness and I battle several times a year... several times a month... to come out from the other side of it too unscathed. It's scary, I know. No need to argue at the Pearly's - he understands and so do I.