FullaBella's Journal, 12 December 2014

Another week. Goes by so darn fast. All things food and health: holding my own. Nothing perfect but not a complete trainwreck as I take pride in rediscovering my baby steps on this journey.

The good includes distracting myself long enough to NOT have that second roast sandwich no matter how darn great it tasted. The bad would be four of those puffy sugar mints yesterday or too many saltines with soup earlier this week. The ugly would be.. well.. I don’t think I’ve had an ugly this week. Here’s hoping I slide thru the weekend with more good than bad and none of the ugly.

I’ve reinstated the coconut oil in my coffee; chia seeds in the oatmeal (another golden oldie I’ve brought back) and have not had cheese in over a week. Wait, that's not accurate. I've only had cheese, in a meal, twice.

The other night I actually (deep breath) drowned the fudge tin after two bites didn’t seem to be enough. The pantry shelves continues to bulge with enough staples to make cookie, cake, candy delights but I’ve stayed out of it. I’m keeping stewed chicken vegetable soup available at all times for a quick ‘go to’ and have prepared it with a 1:10 chicken to vegetable ratio. I suppose a fad dieter would call it ‘skinny soup’ but I label it ‘guilt free sipping’.

Physical activity would include packing & lifting boxes at the auction as well as many, many steps hauling them to the Money Pit & distributing items throughout the building. Yoga has signed a partial lease for one of the small offices & use of one of the event spaces for her classes. Here’s hoping for more partial tenants; I may get the "Old Hippie Learning & Healing Annex" I’d prattled to Cutty after all.

But that’s been about it for activity as I’m still taking antibiotics recovering from whatever it was I caught (cold plus hacking cough) around Thanksgiving. It has wiped my energy out.

Probably not all on it’s own as I’m still battling depression and apathy. I started crying last night in yoga class. Imagine trying to wipe tears and choke back sobbing while holding a tree pose. I suppose the only answer is last year I was numb & shell shocked; this year it’s all touching me deeper. This too shall pass. So I consider it especially ‘good’ I didn’t soothe my aching with drinking or food last night.

High tea at the Adolphus last week proved an interesting mix of my friends. As for food, I’d planned appropriately for the multiple courses and treats served and ate very light that morning. It’s amazing how filling those finger sandwiches can be with all that tea; something I should consider here at home.

Then the weekend at the Texan Gaylord went well (with food - not so much the rest. If asked for a review I’d say ‘well, it was one for the bucket list but not to be repeated). Some hummus & chips during a wine tasting; shrimp scampi for dinner. Maybe too many dips into the bread basket but only one cocktail and no dessert.

Countdown eleven days to Hot Springs; my first ever ‘go away at Christmas’ vacation as I take Blondie’s crew to a rented house up there for the week.

While things rarely ever go as planned, it would be nice to get out of Dodge with the contract signed and in the works with the title company to sell the warehouse. The buyers are truly interested to the point they gave me a hand written offer yesterday. Here’s hoping I begin 2015 with one less financial pressure and a little extra peace of mind in the bank.

Even though my presence here has noticeably declined please know you are never out of my thoughts. I read your journals via the email notification and follow your days. I also appreciate when I do journal you visit with me, comment, support, and offer suggestions. I am truly blessed.

I am trying something new (for me). I have confessed to Blondie, BCF & Yoga that I’m struggling with the eating disorder - something I’ve never admitted in real life. I’ve always answered the questions of ‘how did you do it’ with ‘eating healthy’. I let that be a broad umbrella.

This has had a positive effect on two levels. First because these were the three with whome I found myself eating mindlessly when we dined together. And second because they have all been very supportive with little reminders.

For example, when I suggested a cheese tray at the winery BCF gently reminded me I’d declared I was off cheese for a while to lower my cholesterol; hence the hummus instead.

Last weekend I found my hand dipping into the homemade butter pecan cookies (from a band fundraiser) four times… I handed the tub to Blondie stating ‘do not let me have anymore of those.’ When we returned home I gave her the tub for her crew but said ‘lemme have a couple more’. She almost did then said, ‘No, you told me not to let you have anymore.’ I paused, silently preparing my excuses of ‘yeah, but’.... but it touched me for her to be on board with helping me so I answered, ‘Yep, your right. Thank you.’

When I shared my struggle of binging & overeating lately with Yoga she (because she would like to lose weight as well) agreed to partner with me; to phone her for a mild distraction when I felt the desire to overeat. The other day she suggested splitting a Reuben for lunch (I swear, that Pub has the most fantastic sandwich I’ve ever tasted… I think it’s the thousand island spread) and I accepted with ‘love to, but PLEASE do not let me order another one even if I say I’m still hungry’. She agreed. I did SO want more - but recognized it was that spread. Once I returned to my shop & gave it all time to settle, I was fine. And I made progress that I didn’t return home and binge in private.

I know NO ONE can stop me - these are all my own choices. But it’s nice to have someone in front of me who seems to understand and genuinely ready to help. I recognized I’d slid into an old pattern of having lost the weight, I thought I could eat like a thinner woman. I always get that so confused in my head because a thinner woman wouldn’t eat like I was eating and still remain thin. But there I was, ordering extras here & there. And my health ( as well as weight loss plan) suffered.

So while I won’t reinstate my ‘other’ old pattern of ‘oh, my, one lettuce leaf for lunch.. I’m stuffed’ and sloshing around because I drank a gallon of water to avoid feeling hungry… I am asking for a little help from friends in real life. Sharing my imperfections; finding a balance in nutrition again; rediscovering mindful portions. It is helping me while I go through this ‘phase’ or whatever it is when I can’t get back here to send a 911 to my dear friends.

After all, doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.. well, you know the rest of that quote. And I looked back over my journals for the past six months.. daily, sometimes twice daily.. confessing and forgiving myself… over and over.. as my weight and health suffered. I needed to try a different tact. So far I’ve been fortunate this time. I have known people in the past who’d blatantly attempt to sabotage my efforts. Brings to mind ten years ago when my boss took me to dinner, knowing my WOE, with the comment ‘this is a meat & potatoes type place… you’ll just have to get over your ‘diet’ for the night.

A different place and time. Progress, not perfection. Or to borrow a phrase from one of my many dear friends here: onward.

Have a wonderful day and weekend.

Bells