FullaBella's Journal, 28 September 2014

Beautiful weather here today in Bellawood. To get the ATF confession out of the way - fail on the soon to start ‘no binge or eating after dinner’ challenge last night. Exhaustion from two nights of insomnia piled on top of a very long day ( by the time I fell into bed this morning I’d been up over 24 hours with less than six hours of sleep in three days ) was likely the forerunner on the ‘tomato & cheese salad with hummus and crackers’ at midnight. Ahh well, another day and opportunity to do better.

It’s only been two days since I journaled but seems like a week. Friday was the 26th (Cutty) and I recognized it by being up and out of here early. I still feel him channeling through me on this new project with the Money Pit (TMP) and continuing to gather all sorts of cool things to furnish and stage it for events as well as potential tenants. The ‘Estate Sales’ turned out to be shams but I did find some genuine ‘rummage sales’ and picked up some really cool stuff at a few of them.

I found some nice but very inexpensive furniture and will probably just begin arranging it there for people to use. There’s a small ‘kitchenette’ and I am stocking it with dishes and appliances (non matching but still nice). I imagine if I continue on the path I’m going I should have it all ‘stocked and staged’ for a few hundred dollars and will just leave it there for use.

Although I haven’t been to Yoga all summer because I enjoy the evenings and weather outside too much to be stuck in a studio the instructor is beginning to come around me a lot. It’s nice. She went to the Comedy Dinner Theater last night with us (BCF & Kaddy) and it was very intriguing for me as this was my first ‘ladies night, fun in my home’ in a very long time… wait.. EVER.

I served champagne and a fruit & cheese tray and felt ‘myself’ emerging a little more. It was so nice. Really nice. Standing in the kitchen (everyone ALWAYS gravitates toward the kitchen, don’t they?) and working on my ability to follow small talk. Just relaxing and not worrying about Cutty needing something or disturbing him.

I toasted the group with the comment of being surrounded by three beautiful brilliant women and they toasted me back. I guess that was part of the … niceness? I need another word. This is just so foreign to me - socializing in a group and being comfortable with it. Prior to Cutty’s illness my work travel intruded on my ability to form ‘friendships’ and make plans.

I was very aware of body language and they all seemed turned toward me than each other. This is not something that used to happen to me in the past. I was always on the fringe of any gathering just half listening and watching the clock. And I was thrilled Yoga and Kaddy seemed to really connect and have a conversation giving me a little breathing space to sit back and casually observe.

This reads silly but I credit the sofa. It really opened up my living room and opened up ‘me’. A week ago I’d have said ‘let’s meet at the winery’ rather than invite them into my own home. They’ve all been here, one at a time, but not as a group. I really feel my life is turning a corner.

The dinner comedy theater was .. an experience. One we all agree we won’t be meeting up to do again but we will be meeting up to do other things. Seriously, I made my table laugh more by accidently setting a plastic fork on fire than the talent on the stage. And the fact that my fork ‘could’ set on fire is not a ‘professionally catered’ meal I want to repeat. I was surprised. How does one promote their business as ‘catering’ but serve on paper plates and plastic forks? But our group just really gelled and that was the magic of it.

The venue was at the ‘Art Paint Party’ studio and the walls were lined with the paintings that have accumulated since they opened. I was intrigued (and this is not a solicitous conversation opener - just remembering and sharing) when BCF looked around and said, ‘Your art is so much better than this’ and the other two agreed. I wasn’t asking for her opinion at the time so my pathetic self esteem argued with ‘the me I’m trying to be that accepts compliments’. SE quipped ‘Oh, she’s just being nice’ but as I didn’t ask.. where did that come from? Kaddy and Yoga agreed.

I didn’t reject their compliments (getting better) but rather said ‘well, Thank you .. that’s very kind but surely you’re just being nice. At least you know what these paintings are..’ and they answered, ‘That’s why yours are better. They make you think and feel. These are just ‘things’. They don’t make an emotional statement.’

Color me proud. Or paint me proud. Haha. They swear I need to sell them. So, heck, along with the ‘break room’ and ‘the relaxation room’ at TMP ( RR has a chaise lounge with bookshelves in it ) I may have an ‘art room’.

Around midnight the conversation was still flowing although BCF had driven home so we walked down to The Money Pit as I shared ‘some’ of my plans for it. Yoga was thrilled and wants to rent a space for her office and classes. That would only be about three times a week so it wouldn’t interfere with my other plans. She also mentioned knowing someone looking for a space once a month for grief counseling. Other things like this that make me think I may get something really interesting going there. I’m excited.

And with that I believe I’ll go get busy in my day now. Here’s hoping all of my friends are having a wonderful day in their world too.

Bella