2ManyCurves's Journal, 26 November 2013

I feel like the little engine that could. In my head, I keep saying "I think I can. I think I can." I am so full of self-doubt right now. Sometimes I worry that I will really mess up. That I will drink a coke or eat an order of large fries. The other day, I eyeballed my mother's chocolate covered raspberry sticks. I wasn't hungry. They were never really my favorite snack. But, I wanted to reach out for one and graze on them. Now I know that I could eat all of these things and adjust my calories throughout the day to accommodate missteps. But, I guess my biggest fear is that I won't stop. And, I have an even bigger fear that I will be chugging along exercising and eating healthy and have no progress. Irrational, I know. I even had a dream that I was eating a Hardee's Jr. Thickburger and I was annoyed because it was taking so long on the french fries and when they finally came out, they were all mushed together in a giant ball of grease. Then, in the midst of my dream I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I actually felt I was letting myself down. I was so disappointed. Of course, I think that occurred during the same dream when I was running in a marathon and could not find a port-a-potty along the course anywhere. That, my friends, is indeed a nightmare.

The scale is bouncing all around again which is throwing me into OC mode. I keep opting to take the highest number on the scale. So, this week, I still don't know what I weigh. I may be as small as 196 or as much as 198.2. Who knows. I guess it is so close it really does not matter. I did put on a black suit jacket I ordinarily keep in my truck for when I have to slip one on for work with little notice. Yesterday, was a "little notice" day. I had not put on the jacket in some time. I looked like a little girl trying on her dad's clothing. The sleeves are now too long and nearly cover my fingers. I probably presented with the most sloppy appearance. I don't want to buy new clothes though. I am not finished losing weight. I would hate to buy items in my current size and either quit my progress or have to give all of them away and buy new when I reach my goal weight. A girl I worked with yesterday was complaining how she gave her pants to another girl who had lost quite a bit of weight. This girl was telling me her current weight is 135 pounds but she was up from 108 pounds. She is about my height. I thought to myself for a minute...wow, I might look as small as her when I reach 135 pounds (my goal weight). Meanwhile, she was degrading herself for being 135 pounds. I feel awkward when people talk about their size to me. It sometimes seems like they are going 'round about asking me what my size is or how much I've lost. I never volunteer that information so I am sure they are let down if that is what they are fishing for. But, I kind of liked that she volunteered her weight to me as it gives me a little point of reference.

I received a new contract on the rental house effective December 1st. I had considered simply selling the place. But, it just isn't the right time. I feel pretty fortunate it rented quickly. However, this week is being spent expediting remodeling in and replacing the flooring the last tenants destroyed. I will have about a $3500 loss from it this year in light of all the repairs. It would have been larger if it weren't for us being able to do most of the work ourselves. Looks like I will be able to do a little Black Friday shopping afterall since I will have some income to cover expenses for the month of December.

Keep up the fight, FS buddies.

2MC

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1259 kcal

Fat: 42.65g | Prot: 90.46g | Carb: 126.08g.   Breakfast: Butterball Everyday Turkey Bacon, Milk (Nonfat), Quaker Instant Oatmeal Flavor Variety Pack - Maple & Brown Sugar, Cinnamon & Spice, Apples & Cinnamon. Lunch: Baby Carrots, Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus, Kroger Seasoned Pulled Pork, Kraft Original BBQ Sauce, Potato Salad with Egg, Macaroni or Pasta Salad with Cheese. Dinner: Hidden Valley Blue Cheese Dressing, Mixed Salad Greens, Beef Top Sirloin (Lean Only, Trimmed to 1/8" Fat, Choice Grade). more...

3014 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Walking (brisk) - 4/mph - 2 hours, Calisthenics (light, e.g. home exercise) - 10 minutes, Dance (fast step, aerobic) - 20 minutes, Sleeping - 21 hours and 30 minutes. more...