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Weight History
showing entries 16 to 20 of 1570
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20 January 2015
Good Tuesday Morning.
Just read comments on my last journal and as always I am touched by your comments. Two things have happened ( well more than likely many more than two things). A dear friend (a former roommate for DH and a dear friend to us both) saw his wife slip away in the night after a long illness. We haven't seen him in over a decade but he remains near and dear to our hearts. He and his bride of 22 years lived in Texas. Many tears have been shed and his comments about his wife touched me deeply. I didn't know her well but my friend cherished her and cared for her when she was certainly not at her best for years. Of course it reminded me, once again how precious each moment is and caused me to reflect on my own circumstances.
The second thing is that I have started to wrap my head around eating. After much anguish, frustration, and confusion I've decided to adopt a plantbased diet. Read Forks Over Knives, The Starch Based Solution and been adjusting how I eat accordingly. DH has wanted to eat more like this for health reasons. I did this before, about a decade ago with good results. Since then I've lost weight a number of times with a variety of approaches only to gain it all back, time and time again. My journey in this body. The weight is bad enough but what I do to myself, my soul and spirit is worse. I beat on myself incessantly. I spend far too much time feeling unworthy. I am so tired of it. It exhausts me.
No calorie counting simply a change in what I eat. Basically a vegan approach. Guess what? I'm eating food I love, comfort foods ( with just a few minor adjustments) and I've shed a few pounds! I've been cooking again (something I had tired of as well) and actually enjoying it. It is slower than I'd like but it is kinder to my soul and probably also my poor body. What I really like is I can eat without feeling deprived. That is a huge plus for me. When I'm hungry I eat. I'm thinking this isn't a diet. This is a way to eat. I'm not saying I'll never eat meat or dairy but I will eat it rarely. DH will likely eat meat and dairy more often than myself. That's up to him to decide. He is supportive, willing to try my concoctions and I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful I will start feeling well enough again that I will feel like exercising again too. In time.
Yesterday I upgraded my phone to a 6 Plus and am loving it! We also went to Trader Joes and stocked up on things that are pricier and/or unavailable in our small town. And, DH and I got to spend the day together outside of the house ( a rarity these days with us working different shifts).
So today begins on a positive note. There is much more on my mind than I am sharing but I feel more balanced than I have in a while. With that said I suppose I ought to get my rear in gear and get ready for my day. Whether rich or poor, whether valued or dismissed by some, whether fat or thin I do have a partner, a witness to my life. I don't know how long I'll have him but even after he is gone from this earth the journey we have shared together lives on in my heart and mind. Let me remember. Let me be present. Let me be kind to myself and others. Thank you for being a part of my journey. Take care of yourselves!
Weigh-in:
253.4 lb
lost so far:
5.8 lb
still to go:
68.4 lb
Diet followed reasonably well
(10 comments)
losing 1.7 lb a week
10 January 2015
I'm looking outside at the snow frosted trees and watching the flakes fall gently to the ground. It is pretty. DH just hopped in the shower. He has to work tonight. It might be a long one for him if it continues to snow. It's awkward being on different schedules although I do enjoy the time to myself in the evenings. One would think I'd adopt a good exercise plan but I haven't yet. Still struggling to find my mojo.
I've been eating good food for a couple of weeks now. I'm really fighting the beating up on myself thing. I wish I could stop thinking about how much I weigh. I feel stuck in a negative cycle with that and keep remembering how good I felt and looked when I was down under 200. I think I'm mad at myself but being mad at myself doesn't make the extra pounds go away so what good is it to be mad at myself? I just keep telling myself I am eating well and to just take it day by day.
A friend of mine started a grateful jar. She writes at least one thing down each day on a scrap of paper and puts it in her jar. When I journaled everyday I always included a short list of what I was grateful for. It seemed to help. Maybe I should do a grateful jar since I don't seem to be able to get to journaling here everyday.
Anyway ... thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers. Death is inevitable for all of us. None of us gets out of this party alive. I know that. A dear friend reminded me that I have been living with the knowledge that my time with DH is limited for a number of years. That is true. His first cancer dx was about 8 years ago. "How then shall we live?" That is really the question isn't it? So today I may take a nap!!! Today I will embrace the life I've been blessed with and celebrate what I have. It has been a long time since I've felt this negative for so long. I must tell you I do not like it. I realize I'm the only one who can change that. It is not the outside events that cause the negativity it is the meaning I make of it, what I tell myself, what I choose to think about and focus on. Therapist, heal thyself!! LOL
(6 comments)
07 January 2015
So I am stealing a few minutes at the office to write a pithy journal. All that wonderful start I had is gone. I'm back up to 256.6 I believe. DRAT. I'm really struggling in so many ways. Emotionally I'm pretty much a basket case. Well, I have "okay" days but I'm pretty exhausted. I find no motivation for exercise. We are eating better so I guess that's a start. I finally got brave enough to weigh again ... because I realized I had no real way to know how I was doing with my eating if I didn't weigh. I hate the scale but it can be helpful at times.
The whole health thing is overwhelming to me. DH is "fine" for now ... just tired, short of breath, and facing his own mortality. Still working and he is doing what he can to address his health issues.
I'm fearful of what the future holds and can't imagine my life without him. Well I can imagine my life without him and know I'll survive but all the task oriented stuff has me in a tizzy. I couldn't afford the house we have nor could I manage the upkeep by myself. The financial part of this is big. Not just the medical bills but all the other choices. Then there are things that we have a hard time talking about. For instance he doesn't want me there when he dies. He doesn't want me to remember him like that. For me? The thought of not being with him when he dies just about kills me. I don't want him to die alone.
So on I go. Trying to think about what is good in my life, what I have instead of what I do not have but I'm having a very difficult time. I feel ugly, unattractive, lonely, disconnected, emotionally unstable ... and yet most people who know me wouldn't guess any of those things. I'm the "strong one." I carry on regardless. Anyway ... there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Ain't it grand?
(7 comments)
07 January 2015
Weigh-in:
256.6 lb
lost so far:
2.6 lb
still to go:
71.6 lb
Diet followed poorly
add comment
gaining 1.4 lb a week
22 December 2014
Oh drat. I had a journal going and lost it!!!
Sorry for my absence again.
Eating has not been good. DH has lung cancer. Had work stress to the max in the past month and a half.
My dear friend Sharon found me on Facebook and asked me how I was and I realized I've done it again. Disappeared without a trace.
We are figuring out how to adjust to these changes and actually I think we've stumbled upon an agreed upon way to change how we eat at home. DH is opting for natural methods, nutritional changes and prayer instead of surgery, chemo, or radiation to treat his health problem.
I'd be more descriptive but I need to get moving with the day. Sorry buddies. Overload and journaling just don't seem to go together though I suspect it might be helpful for me. I also have just felt so poorly, been so busy, so overwhelmed I couldn't even think about this. And of course being in a food coma causes that too.
I hope the rest of you are doing well. Christmas is around the corner and I wish you all well, happiness, connections with loved ones, and peace in your hearts.
Take care .... more later I suppose.
(9 comments)
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