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Snowwhite100's Journal

 
showing entries 16 to 20 of 391
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21 June 2023

I am still able to keep pretty well to my 16/8 intermittent fasting every day. Some days I eat an hour early since needing to cook for my husband. I have had wine only once in 77 days, and only 2 desserts in 49 days, but am not losing any weight. Life hurts so much I haven't given up bread. I think I am grieving more for my marriage than even for the loss of our daughter. I just can't believe she is gone.

We went to our cabin a week and a half ago to check on it. It's above 6,000 ft elevation between Lake Arrowhead and Big Bear in Southern California. We didn't make it up there last summer because every time my husband made plans to go his breathing was too poor. The summer before we only went up twice, once to turn on the water for the few flowers we have and one new Dogwood tree, and once in November to turn it off and drain the pipes for winter. Actually the summer before that we only made it up one extra time for a total of three trips. For the last 5 years or more, my husband would rake the leaves and pine needles wearing his portable oxygen machine. It seems unlikely we would go last week since his breathing just keeps deteriorating these last three years. If he gets any extra water in his system (not enough diuretics) he develops water around his heart and lungs and ends up in the hospital. This last winter was a record breaker in California so the snow was extra, extra heavy, and we felt extra pressure to go check on it. Going in the winter is out of the question for him. Up there I worked washing the kitchen from two years of mouse droppings and the third day he went out to start two years' worth of raking. Even carrying around his portable oxygen, he overdid it and maybe dust and pollen contributed but his breathing "crashed" that night. We went home the next day, but I forgot to turn the heater off. The following day he was in the hospital.

I live on an average of 5 hours of sleep a night on the couch since he locked me out of the bedroom 10 months ago. At UCLA they keep you in Emergency for up to 6 days waiting for an available room, and he was there for 3 days. I only had a straight chair in Emergency and putting my head on his food tray, or leaning against the wall, I only got one hour of sleep a night for two nights. I did go out and lay down on a bench in the lobby for three hours the second night but couldn't go to sleep there. My husband's hearing aids weren't working so I needed to stay with him to explain his very complicated health and history. He has memory loss so he isn't good at that. Since I have felt so very betrayed this last year I wondered if I would stay with him in future hospital visits but when the time came, I did since I was able (mentally and physically). He was in such bad distress, I wondered if he would be coming home. I hardly expected him to. I was so wrung out with no sleep I didn't protect my purse well enough with his wallet in it. He said I hadn't given it to him on the way home like I thought. Three days of searching later I called to cancel credit cards and start mental lists of all the things I would need to replace, like a card for his pacemaker, Social Security, insurance cards, etc. He had put it in the drawer of his nightstand. I probably wouldn't have found it there in a year.

Now he's mad at me and disgruntled that the person who provided his hearing aids is out of the office for a week. The old audiologist hasn't called back probably because he is tired of dealing with such a difficult person. I am trying to make appointments for the outpatient ultrasound of his heart, the cardiologist, and the pulmonologist. I can't leave today waiting for calls for him. I need to go make keys for the neighbor to go in to turn off the heater at the cabin. My husband wants me to help him call various hearing aid places to ask about prices to compare to what he is experiencing. His place is trying to get extra even though insurance already paid $4,000. We can't tell them to go "pound sand" because he needs their constant help. It's such a balancing act between him being dangerous and demanding. He did say "Good Morning" to me but he basically isn't speaking to me. Probably, that's a good thing. You don't have to understand why I am still here with a disabled Narcissistic husband. It's okay. I've written about it too often. If you have those problems start YouTube with Dr. Ramini and go from there to learn what you are really dealing with. The Lord is carrying me. P.S. His Primary doctor just called and changed his appointment. Good thing I was here since he can't hear on the telephone. That's 4 doctors and 1 test accompanied by a doctor I am co-ordinating for right now. At 81 I'm grateful I can do this. Thank you Lord!

09 June 2023

Even though I enjoy having a glass or two of wine while making dinner I have not had any in 65 days, and have only had 2 desserts/sweets in 37 days. Even so, I haven't lost any weight other than going up and down a pound. Being old and inactive due to my bad back it seems it will take drastic action to lose the 16 pounds I gained after our daughter passed away. A couple of people tried to put a guilt trip on me but I'm ignoring them. Having a child die is very traumatic so I don't feel guilty, it's just pretty inconvenient. At my size that's 2 to 3 sizes up in clothing so I live mainly in stretch pants, and am busy taking out seams down my pants and tops that I sewed in as my weight went down in the past. Most of those are still too small since I cut off the extra fabric. I have lots of "hand-me-downs" from my late sister-in-law. Mainly they are beige and tan cotton kaiki pants and lots of tennis-type shirts. Not things I would buy but if I cut off the sleeves to a cap sleeve and zig-zag the edge it ruffles it a little and makes the sleeve more feminine so I can get by for every day. Today I'm having my teeth cleaned and then taking my husband to an appointment for his hearing aids. Yesterday I drove him to a doctor appointment with an ear doctor for an infection he has. It's always something. Last week he had 4 appointments and I went to the chiropractor. My back is worse as of yesterday so couldn't go to sleep last night. It scares me when it is so painful, since last year I couldn't get out of bed by myself for 2 weeks. I only got 3 hours of sleep, but it felt better when I got up and around this morning. The man that cuts the grass every two weeks came today so I went out and picked up fallen loquats off the back lawn and cut the dead roses off about 15 bushes. The ones out along the sidewalk have mostly dead blossoms. I counted the dead blossoms on one bush just for the fun of it, and it had 55 dead blossoms. Now it doesn't even have one live blossom on it. Some of them up next to the house have about 20% of live roses on them. A hummingbird was buzzing me so she must have babies up in the tree. Time to take my blood pressure and get ready. Unfortunately too often lately it is over 170, before meds.
Weigh-in: 134.4 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 21.4 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (14 comments) gaining 0.2 lb a week

18 May 2023

I'm still around but barely. I've wanted to cry for a long time and a couple of days ago it felt like I might start vomiting just from being upset. I'm grieving for my marriage and how nasty and angry he is. I told him today, for the first time in months that I love him and want the best for him. It just made him angry. We got the results from his neurologist yesterday about the report from the therapist. She said he passed the test very well and that he has no mental deficiency. She recommended he see a psychiatrist for any mood or anger problems but he said he didn't have any of those kinds of problems.

I've had no dessert/sweets for 15 days, and no wine/alcohol in 43 days but not losing weight. Giving up bread is the only way I'll be able to lose. I've started going to the local park for senior chair exercises. At 81 and having a painful bad back that's about the best I can do.

I'm still determined to act with love toward my bitter angry husband and do the best I can for his good. He hasn't hit me again recently but is angry and nasty almost daily, but I can't abandon him. It's too late to start over. The Lord carries me and I'm glad to have a roof over my head and food to eat. There is almost no relationship anymore, just a roommate. He was the love of my life. It's just so sad.
Weigh-in: 133.8 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 20.8 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (28 comments) gaining 0.6 lb a week

18 April 2023

I was so pleased today to see a little Mama Hummingbird rebuilt last year's nest (actually 4 years now) in the climbing rose bush next to my front porch. Being a little higher I need to use a stepstool to check on them, then talk to them daily as they grow. They get so used to me that they later fly around my head in the backyard. But the first year we had one in a lower rose bush that we only had to peer down on, I was sorry that I shared my joy with neighbors and the mailman. Unfortunately, they stomped up repeatedly taking pictures, etc. I hate not to share this delight with others but it just isn't fair to them to be creating a commotion. It's enough for Mama to get used to me. The babies are never afraid of me. I talk and sing to them. I've read they can recognize up to about 6 people. We have quite a few in both the front and back yard, but I'm especially thrilled I get to see in the nest. I live in the northern part of Los Angeles.

18 April 2023

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