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I'm glad to see that I've maintained my weight with little effort - except for the minimal effort required to follow a low carb lifestyle.
In the middle of march I suddenly forgot to track a few days of food, but I guess I had done enough to get myself on track. I had every intention of tracking again in April, but my heart was just not in it and i didn't really feel it was needed.
I'm writing today because I feel very frustrated and i wanted to vent in a safe way. So here goes. . .
My mother, grandmother and myself all live next door to each other on the family farm. My grandmother has always been small. My mother used to be tiny but has gained a significant amount of weight over the last 15- 20 yrs. I think I was normal as a teen, but I was told I was fat by grandmother, so I've always thought I was fat. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I got up to 218 at one point, but when i started my diet I was 207.
A year ago was when my mother first showed that she had a problem with my weight loss. We were going to church for my son's baptism and i almost made us late because I couldnt find anything to wear. All my clothes were literally falling off me. I found a skirt from college and got into it. When i got to the car and told everyone why I was late my mom said I should have asked to borrow some clothes from her - that some of her larger sizes would surely fit me. After several polite refusals I finally said that I wasnt sure she would have anything to fit me. I'll never forget, she said, "you actually think you're smaller than a 14?" To which I replied, "This skirt is a 12." :-) After an awkward silence she muttered something about being happy for me.
Since that time she has done really well at not making any comments and she's given me a lot of compliments and encouragement, but somehow I've question the depth of meaning behind her words. Btw, my grandmother has had fits that I've lost too much weight, and is concerned that now I'm smaller than she is. However, she's always had eating problems and size issues, as well as mental problems so its not too bothersome.
Then this past week I've noticed something. Every time my mom cooks she does a meat with two carbs on the side. I end up scrambling to have enough food and still be able to eat with the family. Examples include chicken with sweet potatoes and rice, chicken with potatoes and carrots, steak with mash potatoes and gravy, corned beef hash with sweet peas (does that even count as meat?), and today. . . spaghetti with sauteed onions and carrots in the high carb sauce! Its not like she doesnt know any better. She's read the New Atkins book, she has the Rosedale diet book right now, and she's very intelligent. She even attempted low carb for a few weeks and had great results. But when my son said something today about being a little more considerate of my diet she acted clueless and then started crying about how she was doing the best she could.
I know this sounds crazy, but I really think she's sabatoging my diet.
Today was particularly frustrating cuz I've been working all week and having chicken at work. The last five meals have been chicken, literally. So last night I was telling my co-worker that I was sick of chicken. What I really miss is spaghetti. I thought about it and figured a way to get the spaghetti taste with minimal carbs. I was going to make a faux-sagna using a carb free pizza crust I discovered. Then my mom said she was making spaghetti, which isn't as good as mine, and has a lot more carbs in the sauce, aside from the obvious problem of the noodles. I asked if she could wait on that and let me fix something else for lunch. She said no, that she had already started it. But appearantly she hadn't gotten too far cuz it took 30 minutes to finish it.
Now my choice is to go eat chicken and watch eveyone eat spaghetti, or eat alone at my house. I hate eating alone and ironically, all I have that's easy to prep is chicken! I honestly think I'll exercise and go to bed. Its just so frustrating. I found myself wanting to comfort eat, and over eat. I hope getting written out will help get it out of my system. Any suggestions?
Btw, she's the largest she's the largest she's ever been at a size 18 and I'm the smallest I've ever been at a size 6. I never talk about my size or diet except to say that its still a daily struggle and i still think of myself as fat.
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134.6 lb
Lost so far: 42.2 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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gaining 0.1 lb a week
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