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I think it may be a sickness to weigh every morning. I know it is a fault of mine that the number on the scale WILL determine how well I treat myself any given day. Whether or not I find myself worthy of respect, love, or affirmation. Sometimes whether or not I find myself worthy of food even. I am not looking for any sympathy here or psychoanalysis. LOL I pay my therapist plenty to scold me for an hour every week for the many ways in which I apparently punish and neglect myself. I realize it isn't even really an accurate measurement of progress to weigh every day since water weight fluctuates so widely. Still I can't seem to help myself. I HAVE to know. And my scale sits so smugly (I imagine so anyway) on the bathroom floor with the power to make me soar or destroy me in a matter of seconds. Sometimes I hate the fact that I am so dependent on those few minutes of my morning. The fact that I am unsettled if I don't know. That I will spend the entire day wondering if I don't weigh. That chances are I just won't eat at all instead of risking a gain tomorrow if I don't know my weight today. Today's gain of .2lbs isn't much and I know it probably isn't even a gain really. But still, I loathe myself today for it. I am terrified of stepping on the scale tomorrow and having gained again. I know I have to eat today, but I worry that maybe I ate too much yesterday. In my head I know, I KNOW, I did not eat enough yesterday but still, I worry. So I struggle, wanting to eat less today. Feeling like I should stay below 500 calories even though I know it's not enough. Please, don't lecture... I don't intend to be this way. It's just the internal struggle that I have. I am so desperate to lose this weight. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am spinning out of control and this feels like the only part of my world I get to be in charge of. If I cannot speak how I feel here, then where? Surely I must not be the only dieter who has ever felt this way... I must not be the only one who has ever struggled with what they know they should do and what their twisted self image says they should.
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294.0 lb
Lost so far: 8.2 lb.
Still to go: 44.0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 11 August 2012:
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682 kcal
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Fat: 31.73g | Prot: 31.44g | Carb: 66.11g.
Breakfast: Stila Oat Clusters Bits with Cranberry & Yogurt. Dinner: Crab Rangoon, Chinese Chicken Lettuce Wraps, Shrimp Spring Roll, Egg Drop Soup. more...
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gaining 1.4 lb a week
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 Comments
Copamy, I am not going to scold you like a therapist. I read your post and I felt bad for you. Not really pity, just bad that you are locked into this ritual and battle with yourself. Is it truly yourself that you are most afraid of letting down with your daily weigh-ins? Or have you internalized some negativity that you are not ready to be in touch with? I could go on and on - I am actually a qualified therapist that went to grad school and everything. But you didn't ask for that so I am not going to go there anymore. I am also a woman who has lost about 50 pounds in the last 8 months. My top weight was 220. I didn't have a top weight close to what you are dealing with right now, but it was my personal top weight. I've never been heavier. It was terrifying. I felt really out of control. I feel like I got up to that weight and I ended up so unhealthy with all my habits and everything I was doing because I was addicted to food. I think your post sounds like an addict that is used to obsessing over food and ritualizing food and now that you take away the food, you are obsessing and ritualizing over trying to gain total control over the food, denying yourself food and weighing every day to try to gain that sense of control back. That's what it seriously sounds like to me. It's called a "transference" - taking one unhealthy and damaging set of behaviors and taking it from one focus and transferring it onto another. I don't think it will get better until you can come to peace with why you feel like these rituals give you control. That's obviously why you do them, because part of you likes the way they make you feel. Nothing will change until they stop feeling good to you.
11 Aug 12 by member: kmartdollie
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