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This is a long one ya'll!! =)
It's been one year since I have joined FS. It's so crazy to think that I have actually done this journey for 365 days. Thinking back to my May 4 2011 self, that girl would of never imagined where she would be today. I honestly still can't believe it HAS been one whole year. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday when i started this. I re-read some of my journals from this time last year and they are so sad. I can feel my pain...but I can also see glimpses of my new self emerging. I also noticed how freaking rigid i was with my eating and how obsessive I was. I lost THAT somewhere along the way. LOL. It's so hard thinking back to that time, because I honestly just want to forget i was ever like that. BUT. I know I can't. I need to remember that girl, because she is still a huge part of who I am today. AS a matter of fact, she has been showing up alot lately. As hard as we try to always "keep it together'..it can be so hard at times. Especially when you suffer from depression. I swear sometimes I just want to scream at my self "STOP DOING THIS!!!".....if it was only that easy. If only I could just be 'normal'. But then I think...what in the HELL is normal?? If I were this 'normal' thing I sometimes so despretly want...would I still be ME? I think, while it sucks, depression is a part of me and a part of what makes me, me. If that makes any sense. It might make me a bit 'looloo', but......I'm also deeply sensitive and caring and emotional and what if i wasn't all of those things? Dawn wouldn't be Dawn. Would I be a better version of myself? I would like to think HELL NO! I am the best version of me that i will ever be. Yeah, I'm making advacements in the 'bettering me' department.....but I am who i am. if I keep wanting to be someone else, i will NEVER love ME for everything that I am. AND, loving me is something I despretely need to do. No matter my weight, or my depression, or anything. I am who I am. I AM WHO I AM.
To date, i have lost 126 lbs. To be honest, I never thought in a million years I would of lost over 100 lbs. I still sometimes have issues believing it when i look int he mirror. My mind plays tricks on me, but that is something I'm working on. Sometimes it's like the more weight I lose, the more critical of myself I'm getting. i really think it's because I'm always looking int he mirror now, and when i was heavier...i NEVER looked int he mirror. I'm working on it though. =)
Also to dateI have basically finished one year of schooling. THAT is HUGE. I've also been accepted into a new, better school with a scholorship. This school is one of the best small colleges in the midwest and they have a phenonanel (sp?) nursing program. When I graduate, I will have my bachelors degree vs my associates if I were to stay at the school I'm at now. I'm so proud of this accomplishment. yeah, I might be old going back to school......but....this is my dream and I really think you are NEVER to old to go for your dreams.
I have also bascially lessoned my anxiety, I'm much more active and want to go outside...where as before...i was scared to leave the house. I exercise and LIKE to do it and it feels good to be able to keep up with my GF. Last year at this time, I had to take breaks and my knees always hurt and I just felt like crap almost every day. I hade migraines ALL the time and I was just a mess. NOW, my migraines are very few and in between and I can walk circles around basically anyone. I can go up stairs without getting out of breath and it feels GOOD.
This journey for me has been more of a mental one than anything else. To be honest, the food part has been easy. For me, getting my mind on the right track has been the biggest obstacle. Once I finally made the decision to just freaking DO IT, to just believe in myself and to really know that I'm worth it....it was all systems go time. I;ve had to bascially rip apart myself and build it back up. I;ve had to address things that I;ve been afraid to look at for a very long time. BUT, that was the only way I was going to succeed. was it easy?? HELL NO! I'm still doing it. It's been a slow evolution. BUT. each day I move forward....it gets a little easier.
I'm proud of what I've accomplished in this last year. I'm proud of ME. I still have a long way to go.....but...I've made it this far and I really think I'm overcoming the hardest obstacles I will have to face.
I'm still a work in progress. I still get down on myself when I don't lose 2 lbs a week or when I have to re-lose weight I have already lost like 5 times.....or when I look in the mirror and still not like what I see. BUT. I'm at least DOING something about it. Each day i wake up, is another day I'm closer to my goal. My physical goals, mental goals and life goals. and I really know, whith all my heart...that i WILL reach them.
Thank you for sticking with me on this journey. FS saved my life. Well, I saved my life...but FS was the catalyst for the change. Thank you all so much!
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