|
It's Sunday, late. I'm alive.
To all my good friends, I'm sorry I've been absent. I know how I worry about all of you when you disappear. It was thoughtless. After the heart attack and then the surgery, I've been in a real funk. I feel "wrong." I don't know how else to phrase it. I'm mentally and physically off.
My cardiologist is a bit of a flake. One of the nurses, just before the surgery made a comment, when she found out who he was, that he's a bit cuckoo. Apparently, he has "odd" bedside manners. Anyway, I went to see him last Monday, specifically, to find out where I stand. He hemmed and hawed, said it wasn't that bad, and when I asked him what he meant when he originally said, "In a perfect world . . .," he said, to himself, "I need to learn to keep my mouth shut."
I asked him specific questions like, "What % of my heart rate do you recommend I start exercising at?" He started to say 70% but quickly cut himself off and said, "I don't really like to talk about pulse rates or that kind of thing. Just make sure you don't push out of your comfort zone." The problem with that is, I currently have NO comfort zone. So I tried again. "Exactly what IS going on with my heart?" Once again, he side stepped an answer and said, "The shadow on the heart chamber might not be too bad."
"OK, so how do you recommend I make it better?" "Well, just keep losing weight and do what exercise you're comfortable with." (None? That's what I'm comfortable with right now.) He wouldn't give me any definitive answers. I asked a lot of questions . . . a whole list I had written down so I wouldn't forget anything. He sidestepped all of them. Finally, I said, "Well, if you don't think there's all that much wrong, may I please have a copy of my report?"
His answer was, "You may, of course, but I don't think that would be a good idea. I think it would be counter productive." If my heart isn't "all that bad," why shouldn't I read the report? Why did the surgical nurse verify that I'm having vasospasms after she read the report?
I get that what I have can't be fixed. I just want to know how to work around it and what to expect. I don't know whether to talk to one of the other cardiologists in his group, go back and ask for the report and have my neurosurgeon friend go over the results with me so I don't read anything untoward into them or just go ahead and not worry about it at all.
I still have no idea how hard I can exercise because, right now, I can't walk across the room without getting out of breath and my heart racing. This sounds strange, but I feel as if I'm walking on a tilt, like the floor's not quite level. It's quite unsettling. I wasn't like that prior to the heart attack and then the surgery. The surgery was six weeks ago today and I healed externally within a week. Even any internal trauma should be healed by now.
As for my weight, I was 218 lbs the morning I went in for surgery (according to the hospital scale.) Three days later I was 232 lbs. I assumed it had something to do with the surgery so I didn't register the gain. I hadn't registered the gain until last Thurs when I finally accepted that it's real weight. I have no idea where the lbs came from, but I am at 225 and have been, consistently, for the last 5 weeks.
OK, enough of my grousing. This is why I haven't been around. I just didn't want to bring anyone else down. I'm usually a cheerful soul and I seem to have lost "me" somewhere along the way.
I'm going to go get a warm shower and snuggle up with the furbabies in my lovely, freshly made bed. I promise I won't disappear again and will journal often. Thanks to all my friends who have expressed concern. I love you all and I'm sending good night hugs.
Diet Calendar Entries for 29 April 2012:
|
1666 kcal
|
Fat: 32.67g | Prot: 46.93g | Carb: 280.32g.
Breakfast: Diet Cranberry Juice, Truvia, Gluten Free Rolled Oats, Almond Milk, Smart Balance, Sugar in the Raw, Scrambled Egg, Coffee. Lunch: Dole Sliced Strawberries, Kraft Mayo, Purple Potatoes. Dinner: Natural Whole Grain Brown Rice, Swanson Low Fat Reduced Sodium Chicken Broth, Bush's Best Reduced Sodium Garbanzos, Uncle Ben's Natural Brown Rice, Diced Tomatoes No Salt Added, Pictsweet Deluxe Baby Broccoli Florets. Snacks/Other: Smart Pop, Velvet Red Wine, Smart Pop. more...
|
|
2540 kcal
|
Activities & Exercise:
Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 15 hours and 30 minutes, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 30 minutes. more...
|
|
 Comments
Ah, Johanne, what a nutty doctor. From what I've heard, really good surgeons are like that sometimes. My oncologist says the stupidest things. I dont know where you go to get better information, maybe the nursing staff or sometimes he nsurance companies have people who can help you with information. Definitely get a copy of your report to refer to, even if you dont undertand it all. Also, I'm sure the initial weight gin came from the surgery. I gained 14 lbs in my surgery. I wouldn't worry about that for now. Walking is the very best thing that you can do. It's time to take your health into your own hands. Just take small walks to get you stronger. Maybe use a pedometer so you can keep track of your steps, your progress and motivate yourself. Get outside if you can, and if the weather is good. Sunshine is great for recovery. And keep us updated when you can. It's good for you to talk and it's for us to know how you're doing. Big HUGS, girl.
30 Apr 12 by member: Helewis
|
Heather, I get the impression that he's eccentric and is probably very competent. Like "Sheldon", he probably thinks that if he gives me the info I'm seeking, I'm too ignorant to understand and it will stress me. After all, I'm a cute little old lady and we wouldn't want to worry me unduly. LOL. I'm probably going to get a copy of the report and, as I said, have my friend go over it with me. She's one of the top neurosurgeons in the Midwest and works and teaches at UMKC. She knows me well enough to know I prefer facts and won't panic. For me, ignorance is much more stressful than knowing. I so plan to start walking again. At first I may just make one circuit around the property once every hour. I have a replacement "fitbit" but haven't been able to sinc it with my computer yet. I have to get hold of tech support. My computer says I'm already running the fitbit uploader and won't let me upload for the new one. I also have a heart rate monitor. I'm spending as much time outdoors as possible. My herbs and plants are all moved out on the patio now along with my new tomato plants and they're all growing like weeds. I have lovely new cushions for my swing and my furbabies love it when I'm out with them. Love you lady. Big hugs back!
30 Apr 12 by member: Johanne
|
By the way, what are you doing up at 2:25 a.m.? :-)
30 Apr 12 by member: Johanne
|
LOL Johanne. I have to get up at 4:30 so I'm up a little early. Wonderful plans. You can still use the fit it, right, even though it's not synching? I'm not sure you need to do very hour for a walk, but just a conscientious walk when you feel up to it. The patio sounds wonderful!!
30 Apr 12 by member: Helewis
|
Ya know, I didn't think of that. I CAN use my fitbit like a regular pedometer. I just checked it out. I just have to give the battery a full charge, which I'm doing now. That just goes to show, I must be oxygen deprived. Thanks. LOL!
30 Apr 12 by member: Johanne
|
I hope you get some answers soon. I agree that not know is worse, how can you actively participate in your health care if you don't know what's going on? In this case ignorance is not bliss.
30 Apr 12 by member: fatoldlady
|
FOL, me too. I agree, ignorance is NOT bliss. like Bren said, it's like being in limbo and I don't like it.
30 Apr 12 by member: Johanne
|
Hi Johanne, sorry to hear you have been through so much. You seem to have been given good advise by your friends if not your doctor. Good idea to have the report looked at by your friend and then go back to see another doc in the practice if you still have unanswered questions. Slow and steady honey, slow and steady. Short slow walks at first. Be well. Get better and stronger. Hope you find 'you' soon.
30 Apr 12 by member: sarahsmum
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
Johanne's weight history
|