musicartlife7's Journal, 05 August 2016

Not sure how I managed this overnight loss... But I'm not going to complain. Hopefully moving in to my positive living environment will allow me to stick with my goals this time. My roommates all live fairly healthy, and they are so supportive. A strong start so far with 5.4 pounds down since Monday. We have a pool at the house, so I swim vigorously for 30-60 minutes as PT for my knee... Which popped out of place three weeks ago. I follow that up with some arm and ab exercises with one of my roommates. I'm already feeling better and more confident about this lifestyle change. Then again, that's how I usually start. Hopefully once my knee is back to usability I can start going to the gym again and doing my 2-3 hour workouts, which I miss.

My depression hopefully won't derail me this time. I need to remember to take care of myself, even when I don't feel like it.

I got pretty small once. The goal is now to exceed that and get down to my goal weight. Long way to go... But it's not going to lose itself. Hopefully when I start to lose track, one of the boys will snap me out of it and force me to stick to my goals, which is what I need sometimes. I hate having to lean on anyone, but it's been a rough year and I think asking them for help this time is something that I shouldn't feel shame in doing. They've offered it... Just need to actually utilize them.

We actually worked together on Wednesday and cleaned out the fridge. No more junk. We shopped together and got all healthy food. We cook at home instead of going out. They encourage my workouts, and even join me.

These boys are truly a blessing. It's wonderful living with my best friends and not having to worry about walking on eggshells, or that bills won't be contributed to. And every time I come home and want to crawl into bed, they encourage me to do an activity with one of them. Upside, I'm busy and WAY less depressed. Downside, I'm super tired all the time from not being in bed. Thinking of adding copious amounts of green tea back into my diet for that caffeine boost.

Either way, after being horribly depressed since February, and spending all of my time either asleep, or sad, or angry, it's nice to feel happiness again. Not confidence yet... That will come as I learn to love myself again. But at least I'm making progress.

3 years ago I had lost 60 pounds and felt great, and I thought I looked pretty good, comparatively. My depression kicked in, and a long trail of toxic people, and I put back on almost all of the weight again. I've always had issues with loving myself, and the time where I was taking care of myself and had lost all that weight was probably the closest I've ever gotten. I think I owe it to myself to try and find that girl again.

A lot of bad has happened over the last two years, the worst of it in February. But I am not the things that have been done to me. And I survived.

I was talking with Mikey (one of my roommates and someone I love dearly), and I told him that I was working on doing some of the things that made me love myself 3 years ago. He reminded me that maybe it's not the same path this time to get back there, or even exceed it.

He's right. I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I'm full of grief this time. Last time I was fiercely independent and confident and moreover, angry at my situation. I used that anger to fuel my goals. I don't feel that anger anymore. All I feel lately is despair and desperation. This time, I'm going to have to ask for help. I'm terrible at doing that, but I know this time I will need to.

It is nice to know that I have three people who are there to help me and just want to see me happy.

And in return, I want to make them proud of me. I think between them pushing me, and me wanting to make them proud, that I can not only find the girl I used to love, but also lose this weight and effectively battle the depression I've been coping with.

So far, so good.

Diet Calendar Entry for 05 August 2016:
1820 kcal Fat: 71.51g | Prot: 113.73g | Carb: 174.22g.   Breakfast: Chick-fil-A Chicken Biscuit, Chick-fil-A Hash Browns, Chick-fil-A Egg White Chicken Grill, Original Iced Coffee (Small). Lunch: Daisy Low Fat 2% Small Curd Cottage Cheese, Happy Farms Spirals String Cheese, Lunch Mate Finely Sliced Rotisserie Seasoned Chicken Breast, Red Leaf Lettuce, Great Value Romaine Lettuce, Dole Shredded Carrots, Kraft Fat Free Zesty Italian Dressing, Great Value Apple Cider Vinegar. Dinner: Enchilada-Stuffed Poblano Peppers. Snacks/Other: Kroger 100% Natural Green Tea. more...

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Good luck with all of it, and nice loss there! 
05 Aug 16 by member: warrenwinter


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