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I finally bought a new weighing scale. My previous one was new too but stopped working in just 6 months. Reeally hoping I don't have any issues with this one.
Alright, so I stayed on plan for 80 days after my scale stopped working, albeit more in maintenance mode. I didn't eat off plan but I cheated in small ways like eating less veggies and more peanuts, yoghurt, cottage cheese, etc. than I should've. All the slightly higher carb treats. So I didn't really lose much weight in those 80 days. Just about a kg (2.20 lbs).
So after staying endlessly on plan, I finally broke my diet for the last 3 weeks of November. Allowed myself a little bit of a lot of things I haven't TOUCHED since April. That's a LONG time to go without toast, or a slice of pizza, or MILK. Gosh, I missed milk. Anyway, it didn't feel great to be off plan...my skin did break out and I felt pretty physically and mentally bogged down a few times. But I did enjoy the break. Seriously appreciated small amounts of the food I've missed. I didn't go on a binge like I used to in the old days, which I'm proud of. I just started getting worried by the end of the third week that I'm starting to overdo the unhealthy food. I knew I it was time to re-start the diet.
My new scale finally came and I couldn't wait to get back on plan. Started on Monday, 30 November and it's been three days of back to packing lunch for work and planning ahead and ignoring all the junk around me.
However, I came home today to find my family had ordered pizza and a burger for me from this new place I had wanted to try while I was eating off plan for the last few weeks. I hadn't got around to ordering it then...and now here it was, all the food I had wanted to eat earlier but couldn't have now, just as I'd got home hungry from a long day at work.
It was just so hard to say no and yet I knew I've JUST got over the hardest part of re-starting the diet. So I did say no. But I was ANNOYED. It's not their fault, I know. Even though I DID tell them just yesterday that I have restarted the diet and have been off carbs and sugar for 2 days and the cravings had been killing me. But I guess they didn't listen/remember. It made me so angry at them but it's not their fault. My life choices can't be other people's problem.
So I cried a little to myself and then went back out to the kitchen and heated up some leftovers from the fridge. Ignored the gorgeous pizza and burger and ice cream and brownies they'd got all laid out and were eating. It's a bit of a special occasion because one of them just came back from a trip and I suppose I totally ruined the mood by coming home late from work and getting all pissy that they didn't remember I was on the diet again...so I tried apologising...but I know that I made them feel bad for ordering nice things for me, from a place they knew I wanted to try, so thoughtful of them, so I still felt bad.
And I was still feeling bad when I found myself alone in the kitchen a while later...so even though I'd eaten enough healthy food...I just gave in and ate one small sweet, one french fry and one small spoon of a brownie. I don't know, I was just feeling so confused and upset. And obviously, now I still am because I cheated also on top of everything else. I know it could've been worse. I could've eaten the entire burger. I did stare at it for a while...but I just took a fry and walked away. :(
I'm feeling bad that I made my family feel bad about getting food for me. And I'm feeling bad that I cheated on my diet even though I juuuust got myself back on the wagon for the last three days. It wasn't easy to get back on track and I owe it to the hard work I've put in, to the 20 kgs (45 lbs) I've lost, to NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED and slip into my old habits of eating.
I know I've become complacent even though I still haven't reached my goal of looking and feeling fit. I still haven't incorporated a regular exercise routine. That has to be my motivation. Swim everyday, reach dream goal of around 55-56 kgs (124-125 lbs) - a number I can't even IMAGINE right now - and only THEN consider going into maintenance and eating food I like every so often. I'm so close, I can NOT give up now. I've basically been willfully stalling my own progress for the last 3 months with the excuse of having no weighing scale to track...but no longer.
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