HerStrawberri's Journal, 01 June 2011

I am so proud of you today. :) I have a close family member who has struggled with anxiety issues & reading how you're talking it through shows a lot of courage. Acknowledging your anxiety & the things your anxious about is a good thing. The real test is pushing yourself to do what you know you need to do IN SPITE of that inner voice. Those are just feelings, & they will pass. Good luck with the testing, you will do GREAT! 

Thank you! I hope my resolve stays the same as the time I have to leave gets closer. I'm going to take some atkins bars with me as I KNOW I will go to the vending maching and get the first chocolate something or other I see when i get there. I have gone almost a month without ANY chocolate candy and it feels good. I'm just worried when i start getting ready to go my mirror 'horror' will really kick in. I know it prob sounds so stupid. I'm so freakin self conscious. I wish i could be like....this is me and I don't care what you people think. But I can't. I think THAT will be the hardest thing for me to overcome. BUT it is what it is. At least I'm not as big as I was a month ago. right? =(  

Just know that EVERYONE is struggling with something. Lord knows I have my demons, you are not alone. You can power through because the reward will be tremendous and you are worth it!  

My Mom told me something that stuck with me when I was 16 and in a "hormonally challenged" state of self conciousness. We were in the Atlanta airport and I was bothered by thinking people were staring at me. In an indignant voice she basically said, "No one is looking at you. They are all worried about who is looking at them." I gotta say, she was right. Just smile and you never know... someone just may smile back. (love doing that little experiment in stores! lol! ) Good luck today with school!! :)  

Oh yay good for you!!! "Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow." And nolechick's mother makes an excellent point! And yes...you do need to eat more to lose. I still think you should up your calories and re-evaluate every 10lbs you lose. Just my personal opinion... either way I think you're doing great and just think of how proud you will be of yourself when you've gone down there, done what you had to do and get home. I think working in the mental health field or with children seems like it would be great for you b/c you can empathize and bring a different level of compassion to the job. You're doing great hun!! Just some quotes you might like: “Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson .... “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher  

Sue~ I use to smile at people ALL the time. One of my biggest pet peeves is when you smile at someone and they don't smile back. i HATE that. The place I used to work was horrible with that. I worked for the electric/gas company here in Milwaukee and worked with a bunch of bitchy women. It really affected my self esteem. they were ALL about who had the most expensive coach purse and who wore the best clothes. UMmmm, i go to work to work not be in a freakin fashion show. NOT to mention we worked on the phone for 10 hrs a day so who wants to wear Jimmy Choo heals when you are sitting at a desk? Not me a tell ya. BUt they did. They talked about women behind there backs, made fun of women in the bathroom ( i happened to hear them making fun of me one time because I never really talked to them so they thought I was 'wierd' and how tall i was) So i stopped doing it. That job really set me into a depression tail spin. For lots of reasons really, not just because they all were superficial b*tches. People today don't smile back or say hi when you say hi for them. Or say excuse me if they run into you. I hate that. Anyway, I just went on a tangent. Sorry. I really likied what you said and you are prob right. I know I need to stop worrying so much. Its just hard. I have spent a life time being made fun of because of my height or weight. Ecen when i was much, much smaller. Inner demons I need to deal with. NoChubbymom~ I positively LOVEd those quotes. i shared them on my fb and would like to put them on my profile page here. Thank you for the encouraging words. I took the tests yesterday and did really well. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. =) Thank you again!  

Strawberri I applaud you, this is one of tje hardest things you may do but also one of the best. I love how you push yourself even if you are not comfortable. Give yourself a pat on the back bun. 

Thank you Pixi! And congrats on all of your interivews and the clothes!  

That's fantastic to hear. :) I'm really glad you went down there and proved to yourself (hopefully) that you CAN do this and you WILL do this. And I just have to say, I totally agree that ppl do NOT smile enough anymore. Unless, I'm dog tired I intentionally try and look friendly when I'm out in public...only downside is that random strangers are always talking to me lol sometimes I just don't want to but I can't be rude! haha I hope you have a great day and weekend hun!! 

Thank you so much! I DID prove to myself I could do it. I also realized all my anxiety was silly. I always realize that AFTER I make myself crazy. I never used to have such bad anxiety so sometimes it's hard for me to deal with it when it gets really bad. Especially if I'm alone. I thought for sure I would be the olderst person there, and I wasn't. It was also nice to see my scores. I have been out of school for a LONG time. My math sucked, but then I have never been a rocket scientist. =) You have a good weekend too!  

I gotta add... the funny thing is about people who strive to own high dollar things usually can't afford them (and the people who can usually are in higher societal places and don't work desk jobs for the utility company... ;) ). I also have to say that I have an $1800 Hugo Boss Orange Handbag. The only reason I do is that it was a Christmas present from my then employer who works as an executive for Hugo Boss ( I was the day/night care for his girl). I like my $20 TJ Maxx purse better. Shhhh!!! lol!