skinnymama40's Journal, 16 May 2011

Up again today at 151... I feel so frustrated. It feels this morning like every area of my life is unhappy. Except for my fiance it's all a mess.

My job is so difficult right now. I'm really not happy at work. I have just been struggling to make my numbers and I'm so sick of trying to deal with so many client issues and complaints. It wears on me so much! I feel trapped because I don't think there is another opportunity for me out there that offer the kind of flexibility that I have - and I really can't change my health insurance right now with my son's issues.

Which leads me to my next issue - and that's my son. I worry so much about his health and wellbeing. Now I do see that it's not healthy for him to sit home every day in the basement, but I don't know what else to do about it. I wish health and wellness for him - and happiness - and peace. He's so much like me and I really do empathize with him! He's such a bright, sweet kid. I just want him to get back into his normal life. He's so isolated now. I worry so much about him that I wake up almost every night at 4AM and can't get back to sleep. I think he probably was bullied at school and I just want to tell him that it's all going to be ok.

Saturday this week I have to go to Florida for my sister's birthday. I wish I didn't have to go. I've been so insecure about my body that I've actually been losing sleep about what I'm going to wear while I'm there - and how things will be with my sisters. They bring out the worst in me and I really do wish that I could just forget it all. I have so much to do around the house to get ready for my oldest son's graduation party - not to mention the expense of it all - and the fact that my sister's really don't even get along with each other and there is constant bitching all the time. The rest of them are all staying for the whole week - I'm just going through Tuesday but still. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday - is a long time time away from home and for what? So I can do something that I don't want to do but feel obligated to do. Ugh.

I feel such a strong need for a break from it all. I actually wish that I'd get the flu or something so that I could just have a break - and that makes me wonder if I'm suffering from depression. I wouldn't be surprised... with mom's death, son's illness, work stress, son graduating from high school and leaving home, fiance's stroke last fall, wedding planning, I feel overwhelmed at best and paralyzed at worst.

And what can I do to make it better? I can't quit my job. I can't make my son go back to school - obviously I've tried a million times - I can't keep my other son from graduating. I can't stop the party from happening. I can't cancel my sisters weekend. I can't change the wedding or the fact that my future step children don't know me and don't seem to want to get to know me at all.

I can change how I deal with my life and stress. I can try to eat right and be physically active - but I'm so tired of being obsessed with my food and exercise. It causes even more stress. I wish I could find balance all around. It feels like all of my time is spent doing things I don't enjoy. I need to find some joy in my life - get my mojo back! My only bright light is my relationship with my man and nobody else seems to really appreciate it the way that I do. I miss him so much. I hardly ever get to see him and now going away for an extended weekend if Florida isn't going to help. I need to go for my sister's birthday. She's important but DAMN! I'm tired.
151.0 lb Lost so far: 3.0 lb.    Still to go: 19.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
on diet skinnymama40's own diet   gaining 5.3 lb a week



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