|
Boo. The last two days have not went well for me in the eating realm. Husband wanted to surprise me with a dinner at Red Lobster after work. Much appreciated (and deserved..haha) but in retrospect I really didn't require three cheddar bay biscuits. The night before wasn't great either. The common theme with both days: Husband was off work. Hmm. I stick to routine better when he is working shifts, not that I don't miss him. I did not work out yesterday at all. This morning I had planned to attend an hour of Zumba but was unfortunately given two case files as I left work yesterday and told to report to court this morning. Court mornings interfere with Zumba class times. Oh to be financially independent... This career stuff really jacks up my workout schedule.
Received an email today from the American University of the Caribbean School of Medicine when I made it back to my office. Daydreaming. Yep, still daydreaming. Would require me to return to college for a year of classes first. Husband remarked again last night about how I should just leave my job, follow my heart and return to school. Ah yes. If only it were that easy.... He forgets we have two kids getting ready to leave for college themselves, a ton of medical debt that we owe, two mortgages, 17 horses and let's not forget I will be turning 40 in less than six months now. Ever kinda hope you would get laid off though? Ya know...not outright fired or anything that would make it difficult to find work in the future, but a nice, pleasant "laid off" due to lack of work so you can receive unemployment long enough to go back to school and find something new and challenging to do with your life. I know, "Be careful what you ask for." Le *sigh*. But, praying to hit the lottery hasn't really worked. Not that hoping for a "lack of work" would convince the local element to all refrain from committing crimes long enough for me to go on the government dole while secretly completing a year of pre-reqs for medical school.
In other events more relevant to this website: Tonight I will attempt to limit myself to one slice of pizza and one slice of birthday cake because that is really all I have left room for in my caloric intake. I will probably allow myself to glare at the teenagers as they down 2-3 slices of each in front of me. Or maybe I will be lucky enough to find a dog hair in the pizza and be too sickened to eat another slice anyway. I am afterall attending the party at my mom's house where I frequently find dog hair in the food she prepares. Gross, huh? I love dogs, but my poor mom's eyesight is really bad and there tends to be Bassett Hound hair in every dish she serves. I'm picking up the pizzas, but she made the cake herself. Macros for today are ridiculous. Only 8% of my anticipated CI is protein. Carbs are off the chart---which means I'm going to still feel hungry.
Exercise plan now: Going to the party right after work, so will not get a chance to work out. Tomorrow is Zumba though and that will be followed with the rest of the day spent boating and swimming. Hoping to burn through some extra calories swimming.
***I registered for a 10K for next Friday as did my running buddy. She hasn't ran with me since the marathon which was about 45 days ago. We are suppose to start running together again in the mornings a few days a week before work. I'm looking forward to it as it keeps the motivation going. I'm hoping she will want to do another marathon this fall. Right now we are just planning a few 10Ks and half marathons. I also have entered the sprint triathlon, for which I am pretty worried about the swimming portion.
The last few days I keep having this voice in my head asking "what if this is it" in reference to my size. I'm active, athletic even. My legs are solid and my arms are fairly toned. This gut though....woowweee. I am starting to wonder if I will ever lose it or if I am just destined to be potbellied. I toyed with the idea of a tummy tuck, but there is no way I am doing that until I weigh much less. It isn't just loose skin. It's more like an anterior jetpack strapped to my abdomen. Probably six or seven years ago when I was single and into clubbing, one of the bouncers had a *thing* with a girlfriend I would go with to clubs. My friend was quite a bit larger than me and had three young kids. The bouncer asked me how many kids I also had. I told him I had only one (keep in mind, I didn't acquire a daughter until I married) and his response was "Only one? Then what happened to you?" It was a shitty remark, but it was a remark that I have carried with me ever since. At the time he made the remark to me, I was about the same size I am presently. But, ever since, in the back of my mind I have this image of myself being this old broodmare with an enlarged gut that just sits out in the pasture. I don't know how to fix that self-image, or even how to fix the reality of my enlarged gut. I've had quite a few bad caloric intake days in the last month or two and I know I must get that under control better as that surely doesn't help fix the issue. But, I wonder what it would be like to not feel like the old broodmare out in the pasture. I know that the only person's opinion of me that should matter is that of my husband. But the truth is I still carry hurtful comments with me. I wish I had that serial-killer-memory where I could just compartmentalize and store memories in the "no longer useful" file so that they would not be accessed on a daily basis. I know that negative thoughts impede success. But I lack the ability to be able to flip that switch off. I wonder...am I the type who would just find something else wrong with me even if I had a tummy tuck? Maybe his comment wasn't even about my size. Maybe I just looked *rode hard, and put up wet*, if you will. "Only one? Then what happened to you?" I assumed all of these years he was referring to my looks. Maybe he just meant that I am an intemperate bitch as I've certainly seen women who have four or five children yet physically look great. I should have just asked him what he meant by that remark those years ago instead of still dwelling and letting it affect the way I view myself. I don't even remember the guy's name and he wasn't anyone I felt any need to impress at the time, or now. It was the words that have stuck with me, not who delivered them.
I'm still on track to weigh in on 6/30. After that I may go back to weighing in weekly. It is more of a curiosity thing as waiting out four to five weeks to gauge myself is just too long. Perhaps I will go back to every Monday morning or at least every other week. In any event, I will log my weight (and whatever damage I've done this month) on Monday. And, I will post an updated journal with my plan food-wise and exercise-wise for that week. Hope everyone has a great weekend.
2MC
Diet Calendar Entries for 27 June 2014:
|
1439 kcal
|
Fat: 66.33g | Prot: 43.42g | Carb: 185.13g.
Lunch: Light Mayonnaise, M&M's Pretzel M&M's, Subway 6" Black Forest Ham. Dinner: Pizza Hut 14" Large Supreme Hand-Tossed Style Pizza, Marble Cake. Snacks/Other: Mauna Loa Dry Roasted Macadamias. more...
|
|
 Comments
I'm looking forward to hearing about your upcoming weigh-in and plans for the week. You're not alone in the potbellied area. Mine is huge (at least, it seems that way to me) and it's not proportionate to the rest of my body. It bothers me daily. I mean, it's kinda hard to miss when I'm sitting down; it's in my peripheral vision! I catch a glimpse of it and look down, and I'm suddenly disappointed and saddened that I have a big belly. But we shouldn't berate ourselves for it, because it doesn't sound like it's our fault. We're doing all we can to be healthy. People are just built differently. We shouldn't hate our bodies, because it's like hating ourselves. I wanted you to know that I struggle with it too. I remember comments from people telling me "you're fat" (my grandmother), "do you think you should lose some weight?" (the nurse at the doctor's office when I was 15), and "you're fat!" (the short boy in junior high). I probably won't forget the comments, but I don't think about them all the time. They really don't bother me anymore, because I don't care so much what people think of me. I think if we come to a point of accepting ourselves, we won't care if others don't accept us. Good luck with your weigh-in and your goals.
27 Jun 14 by member: ChristyLA
|
Maybe the real problem here is that I still don't accept myself. You make a good point.
28 Jun 14 by member: 2ManyCurves
|
My belly :( lots of weight still left there, and I'm already having loose skin issues. I try to look at it this way though... I didn't look better 100lbs heavier, so at least I'm making progress. I'm hoping for a tummy tuck when I hit goal, that and the removal of these insane bingo flaps I've got going on, ugh. Not being dramatic, the arm flab is bad bad bad. Sorry that one jackasses comment has haunted you for so long. I have a list a mile long of negative comments that are often on repeat in my head. Unfortunately most of the negative comments I've got came from my own father and uncles. Assholes. You are beautiful, and in the elite group of people I greatly look up to and admire. Follow your dreams, you only get one go at this life so make the most of it.
28 Jun 14 by member: Annabelle3117
|
OMG... that bouncer would have been bounced. I identify though .. same here - lot of loose skin but some of it .. just there. Always has been, always will be. But you're healthy ... signing up for 10ks and things.. that's better than a flat stomach and sick any day in my book.
28 Jun 14 by member: FullaBella
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
2ManyCurves's weight history
|