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I'm ashamed of my behavior yesterday. I was a complete bitch. I verbally assaulted no less than three people that I hold near and dear to my heart. The day started with me stressing badly about my husband being able to pass an exam he had that morning. Granted, his schooling is on him, but it has a strong financial impact on us. I worried about his test score as if I had been the one taking the test.
That morning, my brother called to discuss his coming home at Christmas time. We had previously discussed him coming in on Christmas Eve to surprise our parents. my brother informed me that plans had changed and he would be coming home around December 9th. He wanted to surprise them at a restaurant close to his house. His house is about 2 hours away. I looked at my schedule and realized I would be oncall during that time and couldn't travel that distance. I asked if he would consider coming down closer to me and my parents rather than having the surprise 2 hours away. Of course, that wasn't going to work for him. And, then he went into a spill about our parents not showing up as they allegedly have a past of cancelling. I apparently do not have the same memory as my brother. In fact, I have seen my parents bend over backwards for him to accommodate him. He went on with the "poor me" and "My parents dont make me a priority" stint for so long that I wanted to hang up on him. I went on to tell him how proud mom is of him and his response was a negative "Is she? Is she really?" I was about at wits end with the coddling and reassurance. I love my brother, but I'm not sure I really like him.
Shortly thereafter, my son's girlfriend's mom texted me to see if she and my son's girlfriend could come run with me at 8pm. I agreed to the time thinking that would give me enough time to get home, fix dinner and for my son to get his homework done following his football practice. I really do like my son's girlfriend and her mother. But, the last time they came over to run with me they stayed until 11pm and just really didn't take a hint by 10pm that I needed to go to bed (as did my kids since it was a school night). Also, when they come over my son tends to want to hang with them naturally but he neglects his other responsibilities like getting his chores and homework completed.
Yesterday when I got home, I attempted to fix a healthy family dinner. Well, it sucked. I totally do not have a clue how to cook shrimp.
At 6pm, still no word from my son. I texted him and received no response. By 615 I was livid. We had already ate dinner and set his back. Finally he texted me back saying that his girlfriend's mom was with him at Walmart as she wanted help picking out Christmas presents. I had already planned for them to come over at 8pm and was thinking that I would have at least 2 hours so that my son could eat dinner with us, complete his chores and get his homework done. I was extremely agitated that the girlfriend and her mom infringed on that set time, knowing that they would also be here at 8pm and it would be like pulling teeth to get them to leave by 11pm. So I directed my son to come home immediately, in not that nice of terms. I then promptly cancelled the 8pm visit by gf and her mom. I voiced to her that I was annoyed that I was not asked about whether he could go Christmas Shop, that my family dinner was infringed upon and that there was zero priority placed on my son getting his school work and chores done. GF's mom has one child, who is extremely spoiled in my opinion. And while I really like GF, I don't approve of the way she is permitted to talk to her mother and, frankly, I just use a different parenting style. I'm a mother to my kids, not their best friend. I don't let them just rip and roar, do what they want and ignore their responsibilities. My teens still have chores...although frankly my son has been shirking his lately. And, school work is a number one priority here.
My husband saw that I was angry and asked what was wrong. To which I went into a tirade about how I felt son's gf's mother was infringing on my family as it wasn't enough for them to come over at 8pm tonight and then stay here for hours on end, not taking a hint when it was time to leave. But, also had to hog the only two hours out of the entire day that was scheduled for my son to eat dinner with his family, do his homework and get caught up on the chores. I also went on and on about my son not checking in with me and just deciding he would do his own thing after football practice. My husband responded by saying, "Well you've been letting him run the last two weeks, why should tonight be any different." I wanted to scream at that point. In fact, I think I did scream. The difference was in the last two weeks, my son would ask permission and I didn't already have plans...and I had learned my lesson about when son's gf and her mom come over, it takes an act of congress to get them to leave. Husband was not understanding at all. And, of course, all that built up stress from me worrying about husband's grade on the exam came forefront. I ripped into him and pointed out that he really wouldn't know what had occurred the last two weeks because I am the one who solely has to manage the kids. Probably not a completely fair statement. But, I do feel overwhelmed with the stress of balancing the kids alone while he is at school or studying constantly.
Minutes after I demanded my son come straight home, my daughter ran into the house to tell me that my horse was out of his field. It turned out that it wasn't just my horse...it was my husband's horse along with 9 other of our horses from our back field. My father had come over to deer hunt and had left in the evening. Unfortunately he didn't get the fence secure, so the horses in the back field pushed on it and then were able to meander into our front yard. The first 8 horses were fairly easy to round up, but the last two ran as if they're old, overweight butts were trying out for the Kentucky Derby. I was upset. Mad at the horses. Mad at my Dad for not locking the fence. Mad at my son for not being home for dinner. Mad at son's girlfriend's mom for infringing on the limited time period I wanted my son at home. Mad at my tenants for not paying the rent. Mad at myself for not being more frugal with my spending.
I texted my father and said something to the effect of "I don't mind you deer hunting, but you have to make sure the gate is locked. I have about 13 horses running loose right now." My father went all to pieces. I know he didn't mean not to get the gate locked well. Me texting him that didn't help get the horses up any faster. All I did was upset my poor, sweet dad. I still feel like a complete douche.
Son came home at 7pm while the rest of us were trying to round up horses that were still lose. He drove right by. Got out of his car and went inside without even offering to help. Nice. I was angered even more by his lack of concern for the herd that was running all over. He later would tell me that he simply didn't see the horses running lose and although he saw me and his dad, he thought that we were just taking our nightly walk. Plausible. But, at the time, all I thought was that he was ticked off for having to come home instead of being the object of his gf's clinging.
He finally came out of the house and tried to help round up the remaining two horses. With the excitement of the horses being out, I forgot about texting my dad. My dad called my husband to apologize. I called Dad back to tell him I got the horses all put back up and I could hear my mother in the background saying how I had my dad near to tears. I made him feel terrible over not locking the gate back. I shouldn't have sent him that text at all. It wasn't like he intended to leave it unsecured. He didn't make the last two horses hard to catch. I just took out my frustration and anger on the wrong person entirely.
With gf's mom, I feel like my boundaries are pushed quite a bit. She is a sweet lady. I do like her. But, she parents so differently than I do. She refers to my son as her future son in law. He is 17. While I am flattered she thinks so much of my son, at times I just want to scream that he is still just a kid and marriage is not on the table until after he completes college. I see how gf speaks to her mom and I think sometimes that if that was my daughter I'd knock her head off for talking to me like that. And, then I see how they don't really ever have sit down dinners, no emphasis on family time, and just...I don't know...I feel like GF's mom is just as clingy as GF. I like them both. I really do. Just in small doses.
I decided I needed to set a schedule for my son and be very clear to them so that they know the schedule and boundaries. So, the new rule is Mon-Thurs my son comes straight home after football practice to do his homework, chores and spend time with us. No dating on school nights. He can go out on dates on Friday nights. And, gf and gf's mom are obviously welcome to keep coming to my Sunday family dinners at my parent's house. I discussed this schedule with my son and he actually seemed a little relieved. I guess it is easier on him to blame me for not being able to see gf Mon-Thurs night because he has homework than having to explain it to the gf himself as if he is choosing not to see her.
In all this...I realized I need to not speak or text at all until I am calm. I feel I was very hurtful last night. And, for that I am very sorry. The last person in this world I would ever want to hurt is my dad. I feel awful about myself right now.
Diet Calendar Entries for 12 November 2013:
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1115 kcal
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Fat: 44.81g | Prot: 66.59g | Carb: 134.53g.
Breakfast: Great Value Maple & Brown Sugar Instant Oatmeal, Bacon (Cured, Pan-Fried, Cooked). Lunch: Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard, Private Selection Sliced Muenster Cheese, Prima Della Oven Roasted Turkey Breast, EarthGrains 35 Calorie Wheat Bread, Fruit Salad. Dinner: Lee Kum Kee Sriracha Chili Sauce, Nance's Hot Mustard, Sesame Oil, Roland Unseasoned Rice Wine Vinegar, Kikkoman Less Sodium Soy Sauce, Granulated Sugar, Waterchestnuts, Kroger Chopped Onions, Lettuce, Mushrooms, Perdue Ground Chicken. Snacks/Other: Cauliflower, Hidden Valley Fat Free Ranch Dressing, Twizzlers Twizzlers, Dippin' Stix sliced apples, peanut butter & chocolate. more...
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