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GIVE ME SPARTAN OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!
SO after reading the Spartan blogs from people who recently did the Spartan race (on MFP)..all I can say is WOW. After reading the first one, i was all...OH HELLL NO!! There is NO WAY I can do that. BUT then I read the second one....and everything changed. Now, I'm not friends with any of the people who wrote these blogs, but luckily I AM friends with their friends and let me tell you...I'm REALLY glad I was able to read this girls blog.
Parts of the blog could have been ME writing it. Obviously not the parts about doing the actual race, but the parts about her fears and holding herself back. It really resonated with me.
I REALLY want to do this race. I want to do it because it scares the holy hell out of me. I want to do it because I would have NEVER in a million years EVER thought I would be able to do something like this. I want to do it to prove to myself that I can actually DO something like this. That I'm NOT the 'fat' girl any more.
I hold myself back ALL the time. I sabotage myself with almost everything I do. I got really close to being under 200...and what did I do?? I got scared and gained 25 lbs. It's like I get so close and then just doubt myself and my strength and I turn back. i use my fat as my armour...because once it's stripped away...all that is left is ME. And I'm so scared once the real 'ME' is all out there for the world to see.....they will see just how messed up, insecure, weak and scared I really am.
I really don't want to be like this anymore. I'm really trying to push myself forward and push through all of my walls of insecurity and self doubt. i want to be a whole person again. I want to be PROUD if myself and not always think I'm going to fail or mess up.
I want to finally be strong mind, body and soul. I'm working on it. I'm really trying to FINALLY purge myself of all my 'crap' that I have let build up. I need to once and for all make peace with myself and forgive myself for all of my mistakes. I need to truly LOVE myself for all that I am. Yes, I have my dark stuff, but I have a lot of light too. I am dark and light all in one. My light can't live without my dark. And even though my dark can get pretty bad at times, I have to really believe that i WILL make it through and my light will show me the way when I get lost.
I'm scared of the Spartan. I'm scared that I won't be able to finish it. I'm scared i will use the excuse 'I have no one to do it with' and won't even try. I'm scared of the training i would need to accomplish in three months to even DO it. BUT I WANT TO DO IT.
I REALLY WANT THIS FOR MYSELF!!!
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