FullaBella's Journal, 21 November 2012

So here we are on the eve of Thanksgiving ~ that wonderful holiday built around feasting.

As I was shopping last night I continued the internal 'do I even TRY to record Thursday in the FS Food Diary or just skip it?'ongoing debate that has been swirling in my head for a week. Yes, I was the gal walking through Brookshires having a conversation with no one in particular and making ugly faces at the 'cheese & sausage' appetizer trays.

So as I do with all difficult questions, I decided to break down the 'why are you even debating this period?' question.

Is it because it's the day when we are expected to feast and will I feel deprived if I don't (feast)?

Do I really plan to stand in the kitchen and cook it all and not even nibble? Sure, you've managed to do that when baking those peanut butter cookies with the chocolate kisses for MH but do you think you're going to make giblet gravy and not need to TASTE ((( haha, if it really requires a whole cup to taste it, LOL )))

Am I going to drink a gallon of water every hour just to avoid the giblet gravy?

Is it because ignorance is bliss so if I don't record it, it didn't happen?

If that's the case, will I drive myself crazy wondering how badly I did exceed my RDI and be miserable making it worse in my head than it really was?

And finally: Am I afraid it will knock me off my path of healthy eating for life?


With that last question, I had my answer. Or my realization.

The reality is, this isn't a 'I want to lose 10lbs to fit into that fabulous outfit by Christmas' journey.

This IS my journey for the rest of my life so if I don't have a better PLAN this year, I'm going to be in trouble next year and the year after that once I've reached and want to maintain my goal weight.

I realized this IS how I've set myself up for failure and regained that weight four times in the past. Well, not necessarily Thanksgiving all by itself but the whole 'eat right on the way down and throw all caution and rules out the window and turn a blind eye to reality on the way back up the scale.'

So, I pulled out my FatSecret Food Diary and started listing ~ a 'what if' of the food I plan to prepare throughout the day to get a feel for 'what's it going to do to me' to taste, nibble or serve that food on my own plate.

If you decide to take a peek at my diary for tomorrow I listed everything under one single meal and even *I* know 'no way' I'd eat that much in one setting. I'm just 'what iffing' an entire day long 'grazing' effect though I seriously doubt after this point I'd eat all of what is listed throughout the entire day.

Then I learned a whole new skill here - printing it out. That was easy and pretty darn cool.

And when I LOOKED at the food in print - while I am a child of technology nothing hits home to me like the printed word ~ I had an epiphany. Excuse me :-)

Reviewing my 'fantasy' diary for the day I realized I had not added an appropriate (healthy) amount of fruits and vegetables. And where was a salad? After all, that's the point of healthy eating, right? So here I was compromising my healthy eating and I'm the one preparing the meal!!!

I read journals here of where some folks vent their frustration of going out (elsewhere) for dinner and feel compromised because the healthy food isn't on the menu or being served at someone elses home and here I am, in full control of my food and intake and I'm planning on doing to myself what I would RESENT this if I were going to someone's house for dinner and they didn't offer enough healthy variety!!

How stupid is THAT?? Very!

After all, I've been preparing 'two' different meals for 90 days now and will likely HAVE to continue for the REST of MY LIFE as MH is a 'meat & potatoes & pie' guy. And this is where I would fail in the past! I would get busy or rushed or just TIRED and would eat 'his' menu NOT mine! I would take the time to prepare 'HIS' food his way but put myself in second place as to my preference and needs.

The reality ~~ and no, this isn't a 'wow, did she ever drink the Koolaid' mantra ~~ the reality is, I really LIKE healthy foods. I like vegetables and fruit. I like the way I feel right now EVEN THOUGH it's disappointing whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror. I feel healthy and thin until I see me standing there at 240lbs and think 'Golly, you are still so obese. What were you thinking?'

But then I give myself a little chat that I'm 45lbs closer to my goal weight than I was 90 days ago and by golly I'll get there and with these long ranting type life lessons, I'll hopefully STAY there as long as I continue to pay attention rather than ignore the facts. Denial may more than a river but delusion is an ocean for me. And I need to get out of the wading pool.

So I went back through my bag of tricks and added some more vegetables and a fresh salad. I'm not so concerned about desserts; I know I'll be happy with the fresh fruit.

In the end, the net effect of food vs activity ( I feel bad saying exercise it feels like a lie as I consider exercise a concentrated effort to be physical versus my random activity of cooking and walking about the house) is 71 calories 'up'.

And again, that is if I eat ALL of that food I've listed and I know I probably won't even if I do spread it out all over the day grazing from 6am to 12am (am up that late giving MH his IV antibios) but if I do, I am not completely 'blowing it' forever.

The reality is not as bad as I could imagine and will help me avoid eating disorder behaviour ala stuffing it down and paying homage to the porcelin throne.

I may copy it all over to Friday as well as some of MH's family will be coming over for 'left overs & visits' ((why oh why they can't come ON the day I'm cooking it all I'll never know and because of that I actually hope Fri is a no show.))

So I've reprinted the revised menu and as I do practice my mindful eating, slow savoring, recognizing when I'm full VS craving and stuffing and just generally taking care of myself whether it's a holiday or not, I think I'll be able to make it through the day with a little bit of sanity and self respect.

I have to, you know. Because as soon as tomorrow is over, Santa Claus comes to town and it's another feasting day!

---

1196 kcal

Fat: 36.77g | Prot: 64.27g | Carb: 173.49g.   Breakfast: Raisins, Flax Seed, Creamer, Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal, Coffee. Lunch: Spicey Mustard, Spinach, Slice Tomato , Wheat Bread, Grapefruit, Hormel Deli Turkey, Turnip Greens (Solids and Liquids, Canned). Dinner: Granny Smith Apple, Dill Pickle, Stacey's Bagel Chips, Wholly Guacamole, Boiled Egg. Snacks/Other: Dannon Light Greek Yogurt. more...

3566 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Standing - 1 hour, Housework - 1 hour, Walking (slow) - 2/mph - 1 hour, Resting - 3 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 5 hours, Sitting - 5 hours. more...