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I did it, I mailed the letter to my mother. I waited three days, read and reread it over and over again. I shared it with my cousin, who is my biggest support in the family. And I put it in the mail. I can't tell you what those deep, dark family secrets were in my journal here. Some things are too personal for even me to share like this. But they had to be said. People advised me that just writing it should be cathartic enough. It's not. I have been writing letters and journals like that my whole life and never being brave enough to send them. Because I believed people that told me "They just won't change. Don't waste your energy. Don't expect people to react the way you want, on your terms. Just accept that people aren't perfect." So I never sent any letters. That's not good enough for me anymore. I don't expect people to be perfect or myself to be perfect, even though I have been accused of it my whole life. I just expect myself to be BETTER. And I expect the people, including my family, who want to be around me, to be BETTER. Or at least WANT to be better. And that will never happen unless I have the courage to tell the truth, push back, mail the letter and deal with the aftermath. Which I am fully prepared to do now.
On a lighter note, I have just lost 3 pounds in a week after 2 months of not losing at all. I have run 6.4 miles in the past 24 hours. I'm doing pretty good with the food. I am in the 160's now. That's amazing, after being so close in May when I weighed 172, then gaining ten pounds because of quitting smoking, and having to battle my way back to that all summer. I also sent a NASTY letter to my doctor and her nurse, because they wouldn't let me send an email - they claim liability, me I claim it is in their best financial interest to not let me have access to my doctor without going into the office, giving them my ten dollar copay, and then letting them bill my insurance company for the 10 minutes I would have spent with her, when I didn't even need to talk directly to her, I just needed her nurse to give her some information. I was sooooooo freaking pissed. I searched on the internet and found the fax number to the office. I then called up and verified it, casually stating that "I just need to fax something to Janet." And I sent that shit. Trust and believe. I think I am ready to turn a corner in my relationship with my doctor, too. In my fax, I basically told my nurse what I have been doing for the last 2 months - eating pretty much 1300 calories a day, working out 5 days a week, running a 5K, for the last 3 weeks running 10 miles a week, and still I weigh exactly the same as I did at the end of August. I kind of let her know in a polite, bitchy way that I wanted her to tell my doctor so my doctor would be prepared for my next visit that I wasn't going to post a big loss, and basically I didn't want to hear it. I also told her I felt that this did not merit an office visit. Then I told them thank you for their kind attention to my health and their excellent level of service. Heh!
Diet Calendar Entry for 25 October 2012:
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561 kcal
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Fat: 10.46g | Prot: 52.51g | Carb: 66.68g.
Breakfast: Oscar Meyer turkey bacon, strawberries, Oikos plain greek yogurt. Dinner: red delicious apples, red bell pepper, Sara Lee Delightful 100% Whole Wheat Bread, celery, egg whites, Miracle Whip Free, chicken breast. more...
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