|
I am starting again today. I don't know what is different about today, but hopefully this week I can resist temptation and the emotional eating. I need to focus on changing how I'm constantly thinking about food, about how I don't like my body, and about how I feel like I am denying myself by dieting when I know I am really not. I'm just eating the foods that I want to eat at the end of the day. I don't know if it's better to plan everything out, or do it more day by day. If I plan, and then I don't do it, or eat exactly what I am "supposed" to, then I feel like a failure. I think I need to just say it's two weeks, and then other stuff can come. I read the book again last night when I couldn't sleep and realize that I can do the two weeks--I have to do the two weeks to make the changes inside my body. I just look at and feel my middle and my back and just feel so gross. But I need to be honest with what I put in my mouth and my portions and instead of saying to myself "you have to eat like this" you're eating like this because you actually like this food, which is true. I know what I need to do but I just need to do it. It's like I can feel myself waiting to cheat again or to mess up again. I need to shift to feel myself waiting to look at the scale and see it below 170. I know I need to have a lot of things going on to be successful--I don't do to well when I have lot of free time and things I can't cross off a list or see accomplishments for. So that energy and those feelings are being used up by the job search--I don't have a lot left to fight the weight thing. As I write that, it sounds like an excuse. The lack of routine, the lack of my own space, blah blah blah, it's the same story that I've been waiting to change for the past 3 years. At least here I can control what I eat, and I can exercise. So I need to just do a little a day to start. Start my day by writing here to get out the negative thoughts and to note my progress and get out the emotional crap so I can just focus on getting in shape. I cannot wait until I am not thinking about food and my body and how I feel fat and how I look 24 hours a day.
|