Sunday - April 13th and I’ve decided I’m going to date myself. Not ‘date’ as in “Yes, I was a little girl the day Armstrong walked on the Moon” but if you know I meant Neil not Lance you just dated yourself as well.
I’m referring to dating ala
a form of courtship which may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of assessing each other's suitability as a partner. I copied that off Wikipedia and am so relieved they added the ‘typically two persons’ so I still feel semi sane.
I didn’t date that much before marriage so I’m basing this experiment on what I’ve read or seen on TV. That phase of a relationship where everything the other person does is cute and they are the most interesting person in the world and liked and accepted unconditionally. Moreover, you can’t wait to see them again.
I came to this decision last night. Friday I was horribly depressed and feeling self destructive though not really sure why. Survivor’s guilt? Some left over crap from the past? I don’t know. All I knew was after stupidly listening to sad music in the shop I wanted to go to some dark and dusty honky-tonk (that’s southern for bar) and have too many drinks while some cowboy pushed me around the floor (southern for dancing). I wanted to feel my sadness while being held in someone’s arms.
I didn’t - despite my wonderful accepting friend Kathy supporting and encouraging me. The bar within walking distance doesn’t have dancing and when I started crying just thinking about it in the kitchen I knew I needed to stay home and tend to myself.
So I googled ‘dating guidelines for widows’ and of course Match.com came up on the first page. I thought ‘well, can’t hurt to browse for free’ but quickly discovered *I* had to answer a few thousand ( or so it seems ) questions first. Even harder was drafting a headline.
I KNOW - ME? The FS Queen of endless rambling journals with writer's block? WTF? This was part ONE of me deciding I needed to date MYSELF for a while. If I can’t define myself online ~ how am I supposed to do it in person?
But I finally managed to get enough words to fulfill the mandatory word count without pulling that junior high school trick of repeating ‘really, really’ and ‘very, very’ every other sentence. I think my headline reads, “ I have NO idea What I’m Doing”.
IN the event you are on Match.com ~ bless you. That takes a lot of guts.
Surprisingly, it seemed every bio I read included “looking for a special lady to love.” Even more surprisingly as I found myself skipping thru them while responding out loud, “Sorry, kiddo, but I’m not looking for lo….”
What? NOT looking for LOVE? Who ISN’T looking for LOVE? What’s wrong with me?
My thoughts flashed to the current ‘Love Yourself’ challenge and faster than it takes to type this the pieces fell in place. I’m struggling to love myself right now because I still need to get to know myself again and that includes LIKING myself as if I’m dating me. Rather than pursuing another person to validate me with that unconditional ‘gee, every freaking thing you do is so darn cute and loveable you’re instantly forgiven’ emotion that usually shows up during the honeymoon of dating - I need to do that for myself for a while.
So I decided last night and woke this morning with a plan to date myself. I’m going to pamper and do nice things for no reason. I’m going to surprise myself by not over thinking the things I want. I am going to shut OUT that voice of reason that asks ‘really, another blouse.. don’t you have a closet of them already’ or questions my aptitude to do and try things. If I wake myself at 2am I’m going to be happy I did just for the joy of spending time with me. If I stand at a store and pick up then put down the same object ten times because I can’t make a decision, I’m going to think I’m just cute as a button. I’m going to smile even when I’m alone. And I’m going to express myself out loud even when it sounds silly.
And maybe with that ~ I will be open enough to love myself to the point the point that reading the bio’s that include ‘looking for love’ doesn’t make me flinch.
Thank you for stopping to visit with me. Happy Sunday.
Bella
PS - as this is FS I will add that ATF is going really well; no 3M and I haven’t stepped on the scale in two weeks now and I’m fine with that. I use my ‘snuggest’ jeans, the bracelet on my left wrist and the way I feel and move to measure that I’m still converting fat to muscle. I was going to take a ride on my bike today but it’s raining so Mushy and I are stretched on the bed with watching the rain thru the open back door. A pot of pork roast, bean and veggie soup is simmering in the kitchen. Life is good today.
