Mjgh06's Journal, 29 October 2013

I have been on both sides of the track - very skinny to obese.

In my teens to early 20's I suffered from hyperthyroidism and could never gain weight. I was 5'8 and 90-100lbs. Most people thought I had an eating disorder which I didn't. I wasn't bulimic or anorexic. In fact I hated being thin. I was healthy, very healthy, but I always felt insecure about my looks and being 'to thin'. I would overhear comments from others and that would make me feel even worse. Soon I began thinking everyone was talking about me whether I could hear them or not. (crying as I right this) Any remark became a personal insult to me whether it was meant that way or not. I stopped talking to people and became very isolated, hiding myself from the outside world. I had no friends and just hated well, being alive. No one really knew how depressed I really was because I just didn't go around family that often and when I did I didn't say much. They saw a skinny girl, that's it. Most people probably thought of me as a snob because to them I was this pretty young thing that was so skinny and someone who just didn't talk to them or make eye contact. My religious beliefs kept me from committing suicide, but if not for that I believe I would have gladly ended my life. I forced myself to eat ungodly amounts of food, fatty foods to try to gain weight to no avail.

In my 30's, after children and life, my hyperthyroidism turned into hypothyroidism and I took on a whole lot of other medical issues. I became very unhealthy and obese. In 2010, I had two strokes back to back and had gained to my highest weight of 243. And not because of my eating. By then I was eating only once a day at maybe 500 cals a day. My weight came on because of my medical issues and meds. But even though I was unhealthy and obese, I was happy for the first time in my life with how I looked. I was happy being fat. I felt comfortable. People no longer talked about me. I no longer worried all the time that people were whispering or making remarks about my weight. I felt comfortable around other people and was no longer afraid to talk to people or try to make friends. I actually looked people in the eyes and said hello to everyone. In my mind, my overweight opened a door to other people where they felt comfortable around me, so I could feel comfortable around them.

I hate the idea of losing weight. I don't want to lose the weight. I don't want to become that skinny person again who others look down upon. I don't want to hear the remarks behind my back. (crying again) I do want to be healthy, but I want to be fat and healthy. I wish we lived in a world where people were not judged by their looks, but unfortunately that is how it is. I know I am a good person and I have a lot of good qualities about me. That has never been my insecurity. My issues are based solely on the outer appearance and how I feel people treat you (think of you) because of it. I know so many overweight people feel like I did when I was skinny. I fully understand that feeling.

But to be honest, how many of you look at someone skinny even if they are healthy and think they are to skinny or they have an ED. Or think they are snobs or whatever. When you someone overweight or even obese, what is your first thought? Do you feel 'bad' for them because they are overweight? Do you think they eat too much? Do you judge them based on their appearance, even though you hate being judged on yours?

Judging a person simple on how they look on the outside is so detrimental to everyone - the person judging and the person being judged.

I was healthy when I was skinny. I was not bulimic or anorexic. I was not a snob. I was shy and insecure. I had medical issues that kept me from gaining weight. I wanted to have friends.

I was unhealthy when I was overweight. I did not overeat. I ate too little. I was happy with my weight. I wasn't shy or insecure. I had medical issues that caused the weight gain. I wanted to have friends.

Hopefully this will help someone reading this to stop judging a person based on their appearance.

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1118 kcal

Fat: 84.57g | Prot: 73.05g | Carb: 8.78g.   Breakfast: Kroger Heavy Whipping Cream, Fried Egg, Chicken Dark Meat (Roasting), Borden Shredded Gouda Cheese, lC Gravy. Lunch: LC Greek Salad. Dinner: lC Gravy, Kroger Heavy Whipping Cream, Fried Egg, Kroger Pork Rinds, 365 Shredded Mild Cheddar Cheese, LC Greek Salad, Tyson Foods Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts, Cauliflower. more...