rwaller7483's Journal, 16 November 2017

I do think you're onto something, in terms of how you feel about yourself vs losing weight. I used to wonder this: "Do I hate myself because I'm too big, or am I too big because I hate myself?" - and truth be told, I still think it was some mixture of both. I don't know what I can say in a forum that can even remotely help with something as personal, and as all-encompassing, as how to build up your self-worth if you feel you've not had it (or lost it). I can say that after decades of being overweight/obese, the turnaround for me only really came late in my 40s - when it finally hit me, when I could honestly say "I'm not losing weight because I hate myself. I'm losing weight because I don't." My father eventually died of diabetes. I will likely outlive my younger brother because of his. For whatever reasons, I was spared that fate - and I decided then and there, instead of hating my body, that I would apologise to it, for all the times I treated it like a dumpster for my bad emotions, regrets, old memories, self-loathing. It wasn't my body's fault, and it had put up with my shite for decades, without a voice, without a way to tell me to knock it off. I can't say I just love myself now, but I can say I came to a point of peace and reconciliation that - for whatever time left I have on this planet, I will do my best to enjoy it in good health, to try to keep a decent amount of strength and healthy weight on me, so that I can do, see, and be whatever I want while I'm still here. For you? Hard questions ahead. Why is your life worth so little to you? Why don't you like yourself - what can you change? What can't you change? What will it take to find some peace - if not "Happy Clappy Love Hearts and Unicorns"...maybe just...a quiet kind of peace that says, "ok, well, I don't f***ing love everything, but you know what, I don't have to. Balls to that, let's just do the best we can and get on with it.".....the value in that, being - eventually - it becomes habit. When it does - when the "new normal" is that sort of balance in your mind about yourself (You're not an angel, nor a devil - none of us are!) - then it WILL be easier. But no lies, I know, it's a rough road to get there. I really wish you luck, man. I do. I wish I knew how to just input that gear into everyone. I can only tell you that you have every right to be happier, but only you can reach out and make that happen. 

I don't know what it is to be honest, it's not like I've had people telling me my whole life how useless I am etc. Whether I've been unemployed or working, single or in a relationship, 300lb or 220lb, or whatever, the one constant has always been my brain. I get the guilt too, my parents have a lot of health problems too but I can't say they've really contributed to those problems themselves. Not that it'd be any less shitty if they had.. So the fact that I'm not really looking after myself, and people who've looked after themselves better than I do are in worse shape than me.. It does bring guilt... Ah, will see what happens anyway cheers.