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“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.”
- Dalai Lama
I am looking through pictures of times gone by, of a woman that I used to know.
I realize now that I probably didn't know her as well as I thought I did at the time. We spent so much time together, but I never knew how much was below the surface for her. She is significantly overweight, but smiling, in all the pictures. When I look at these pictures, I see her smile, but I know now that she is not nearly as happy as she looks. She's making goofy faces in some of them, hiding behind a friend or family member in others. In so many of these pictures, she is hiding not just her body, but herself. Her smile is big and bright, but I see now how much brighter it could have been, should have been. There is an insecure person behind that smile. There is someone who needs a strong person to take her by the hand and show her how much potential she really has, and show her that she really is worthy of the time and attention it would take to reach that potential. I wonder how I didn't see all of that back then. I wonder how the rest of the people in these pictures didn't see all of that back then. Did they see it, and were just too kind to say anything? Or did they love this woman enough that they didn't want to say anything to hurt her? Or did she just do such an effective job of covering up her underlying insecurity and sadness that nobody, even her, really noticed it?
Now, as is so often the case for us imperfect humans, I wish I could roll back the clock, and talk to her. What would I say? Would I berate her for her bad choices? Would I reinforce for her what I know now that she already thought of herself? Would I tell her how fat she is, how much weight she needs to lose, how sad it makes me to look at her? Would I ask her who she thinks she is fooling, pretending to be "normal," pretending there is nothing wrong, pretending she is not as unhealthy and overweight as she really is? No. Why not? Because I love her. Maybe I didn't realize then how much I loved her, or how much she deserves that love, but I know now. I know that she was already saying those ugly, hurtful things to herself, and would not need to hear them from anybody else. So, in the absence of all of those mean, destructive things I could say to her in an effort to get her moving and make a change, words that would tear her down instead of building her up, what would I say to her?
"You do know you are worthy of all the love you have, right? You deserve it. Not just from your friends and family, but yourself. That love is the one that counts the most, and it will make a world of difference for you. By loving yourself, and being kinder to yourself, you will have more love to give your family and friends. Nobody is thinking as harshly of you as you are thinking of yourself. You would be so much happier if you put your health first. It would be worth it for you to take the time and thought to put good food into your body. Exercise really isn't as bad as you think. Sure, it is hard, but it is also much better stress relief than eating a pint of ice cream, and ultimately, much more satisfying. That sense of accomplishment takes you so much further than candy bars. Even little changes make a big difference. Everyone will still love you just as much as they do now, if you make some changes. You will love yourself more. You will be more able to enjoy life, and love life, and really live your life, instead of just watching the days tick by. If you give yourself that love that you deserve, you will find a whole new side of yourself who can accomplish things you have never even dreamed of. You will have to work for it, but you will be so proud of yourself if you do. Just try. Give yourself that chance, and believe that you can do it. Believe in yourself and the possibilities that are inside you, whether you know it or not."
I would tell her that I am there for her, one hundred percent, for every step of her journey, and that she has my utmost support and a million heartfelt wishes for her success and happiness. Then I would give her a hug, a firm pat on the back, and tell her to get out there and help herself, instead of staying in one place, saying mean, degrading things to herself. There is one last thing I would say to that woman in the pictures from years ago: "Challenge yourself. Push yourself. But above all, be kind to yourself, because it will get you farther than all the unkind words in the world."
It took me too long to say those supportive, kind, positive words to myself, and to stop tearing myself down with the thoughts I directed at myself. I look at current pictures, pictures of me with my family, and I see a happy woman that I know through and through. She is smiling in all of the pictures, a genuine smile that radiates from a heart that is proud, and happy to be who she is. She isn't hiding from anything. She knows how strong she is, both inside and out. She knows how far she has come, and how far she can still go. She knows that she has limitless potential, if she pushes herself through the tough times, and challenges herself. She is excited about the possibilities for the life ahead of her, knowing that she can push herself beyond what she ever thought possible before. She loves herself, and she knows that she is loved, not for what she looks like, but who she is.
Diet Calendar Entry for 12 August 2011:
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1312 kcal
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Fat: 23.98g | Prot: 67.35g | Carb: 230.71g.
Breakfast: LeanWay Crunch, Whole Ground Flaxseed Meal, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Cream (Half & Half, Fat Free), Organic Blue Agave Sweetener, Nonfat Raspberry Greek Yogurt (Chobani). Lunch: Creamy Peanut Butter, Healthfull 10 Grain Bread, All Fruit With Fiber - Strawberry. Dinner: Reduced Fat 4 Cheese Mexican Cheese, Sweet Potato and Black Bean Burritos, Light Original Wrap. Snacks/Other: Nonfat Frozen Yogurt, Organic Blue Agave Sweetener, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Cream (Half & Half, Fat Free), Pink Lady Apples, LeanWay Crunch. more...
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