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I was talking to my son yesterday as he was sorting and tagging pictures on his computer. He kept eyeing me a little funny and finally he said, Want to see some pictures of you, Mom? I said sure, and he had probably a dozen pictures - trips we'd taken or things here and there. And oh my Lord I was big. I knew I was way out of control, and knew I felt fat. But actually seeing the pictures... it was disturbing. I say PLEASE DON'T TAG ME IN THESE! He laughed and said I should be proud of myself, not embarrassed. And I get that, I do. But the truth is I am way more embarrassed about where I was than proud of where I am now.
Does that even make sense? I think it shows how twisted and convoluted the mind gets when we are struggling with issues like weight. And it got me thinking about how it is that I still feel fat more often than not. When I was at 122, I didn't feel fat. But I had more sag in a couple places on my body and my PS suggested I add a few pounds to fill those areas out (as IF we can control where the weight lands!) Truthfully, it did help a little bit, but also lost some of that awesome waistline definition, as well. And since I added the five pounds suggested, it's been an ongoing struggle to keep my weight at 127. More often than not lately, I'm over that mark and that's when I begin to feel so fat and frumpy again.
NOW I know a number on a scale is just that - a number. But the truth is, once you know how your body looks at a particular number, and you have arrived there through proper eating and exercise, then that number DOES become important and it IS a reflection of how you look. I know I'm rambling here, more like writing down the thought pattern going on inside my head! lol...
I guess what it boils down to for me is this. Yes, the scale is only ONE measurement of "success". But I now know how I look (and feel) at a certain number and that's what I will continue to strive toward and eventually learn to maintain.
I am shocked at the difficulty in maintaining. So much more difficult in many ways than losing. I know that I should be doing all the things I did before - the things that enabled me to reach my goal: counting calories, regular, hard exercise, planning meals ahead of time, severely limiting the snacks and processed foods. In general, paying close attention to my HEALTH. Eating good, wholesome, healthy foods in moderation. Weighing myself daily, recording those weights whether I like them or not, journaling regularly. THOSE are the tools that helped me arrive and I know (intellectually) these are the tools that will enable me to remain within a weight range.
So WHY is that so difficult to actually DO??!!
That said, I am going to record my calories so far, then get my butt in there and workout.
later... still recording my food intake, but did not work out today. *sigh*
Diet Calendar Entry for 05 August 2011:
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1934 kcal
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Fat: 66.23g | Prot: 70.75g | Carb: 259.08g.
Breakfast: greek style yogurt, fiber gummies, English Walnuts, organic flax pumpkin granola, Almonds, celsius, Strawberries, Blueberries, Sugar Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer. Lunch: bing cherries, grapes, sunflower seeds, Ken's light caesar dressing, spring mix, gorgonzola cheese. Dinner: Jams and Preserves, Organic Raw Almond Butter, Sara Lee bread. Snacks/Other: Baked BBQ Chips, Sugar Free Chocolate Pudding Snack Pack, Total 0% Greek Yogurt (Fage) blueberry acai, fiber one brownie, nectarine. more...
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